Financial Woes Spelled Out in a Frenzied Attempt at Catharsis.

Being an adult is terrifying. I am terrified. I am terrified because I literally cannot afford to eat, and I cannot afford gas to get from point A to point B.

I work 3 jobs. My rent is $395/mo. My student loans are $240/mo. I do not go out unless I can absolutely afford it, and I don't buy clothing unless I'm positive I can afford it or I ABSOLUTELY need it (as in, my jeans have bit the dust or I need new work shoes). I've been seeing new doctors, and I don't know how to read my statements to know when I've reached my deductible. I had to hold off on paying my deposit for my new apartment. I haven't bought groceries in over a month. You'd think I'd be thinner by now.

I don't know what to do anymore, and I just want to cry. This isn't stressed out crying from anxiety or depression. This is I have $950 to my name, $395 is promised to rent, $246 to student loans, $300 to my security deposit. I have $9 to live off of until my next meager paycheck in two weeks, no gas in my car, nothing to eat in my house. One doctor will be taking $40 out of my account for co-pay, $40 that isn't there and just doesn't exist. I see another doctor next week, one I've needed to see for the past two years, and he's going to charge me $135. I was paid today and am already in the red. I can't ask for more money from family; I've borrowed too much already and resources are thin all around as it is.

I work three jobs, and still can't get ahead. I'm terrified. And very, very tired.

Newtown, CT. I need to get this out.

I just...I don't know how to comprehend this tragedy in Connecticut  I mean, children. Children just slaughtered and gunned down and I don't understand why someone could do this. I want to cry and crawl back into bed because I don't know what else to do.

I mean, this Onion article basically sums me up right now. Just. Fuck. Everything.

But at the same time, it makes me want to be a better person and lead my example and fix this.

Schools shouldn't have to be fortresses, my dad, who was a district superintendent for 15 years, said.

He is absolutely correct. Giving guns to teachers? Armed guards? No. Nonononononono.

I went to Honduras. I saw armed guards everywhere in this third world country. I saw gates around schools (if the school was even fortunate enough to have a roof, much less walls). We should be better than that. Every child deserves to be safe, and every child, especially in a nation that believes itself to be the best in the world, should be able to have a childhood in a child-friendly school. And as much as it broke my heart to see these circumstances in Honduras, it pains me just as much that this is where we are as an industrialized "world leader".

When I went to elementary school, the doors were left open in the warmer months to let air circulate. My best friend's dog once got out of their yard and came running into the school and into the halls. It was pretty funny.

Now, all the doors are locked and you have to speak to someone in the office outside of the building via camera or intercom just to get in to the building.

The answer can't be to arm teachers, or faculty, or students or get rid of gun-free zones. That is a stupid fucking idea. It's the prelude to an arms race for fear and paranoia and safety and we are better than that, I cannot stress that enough.

I don't want to politicize the day, but dammit Cracked, your arguments are compelling  The Second Amendment didn't account for guns that destroy entire communities in a blink of an eye. The Constitution is meant to be changed. Framers. Our fore-fathers were known as the Framers because they were merely framing things out for us to change at a later date should we feel it necessary. Justice Scalia is wrong; the Constitution is more like a living organism than a legal document - but, in which 46% of Americans would deny, that means you'd have to admit that it evolves. The Constitution evolves as the America evolves as a nation and society. Why is this a hard thing to understand? Is your gun collection really worth it? To see shit like this happen?  Oh, here's another article about it; EVERY DAY is the day to talk about gun control and gun safety. (If you read only one link I posted, please read that last one).

But. Then again. Today in China, a man knifed 22 children. I don't know what to make of that either, and maybe regulations aren't the answer (and yes I know China isn't our concern but holy shit these were just babies, too!) but I don't know how else to concentrate my rage.

Someone on twitter pointed out "if only access to mental healthcare was as available as firearms".
My brother pointed out the problems stemming from angry young men. Why, as a society, can we not recognize and lift these people up to the help they need? I'm not talking about "red flags". I'm talking about retooling our society to encourage seeking help, encourage constructive behavior instead of frustration, apathy, and anger.

I. Don't. Understand.

Why are the ONLY websites that are making sense and not just blasting images of children in our faces the comedy websites? Why are we okay with feeling awful and fucked up about it now while at the same time we just accept that it's going to happen again? Why do we put the responsibility of contingency in every horrible situation on the would-be victims?

Right before the Holidays, too. I mean, it's not okay ANY time of the year, but these kids, these babies, they had so much ahead of them and they had hopes and dreams and Christmas lists and probably wanted to see the Hobbit and for God's sake I don't know how to stop thinking about it, and part of me doesn't want to stop thinking about it because it means I've stopped thinking about these children who were robbed of their lives.

The adults killed, people trying to keep their students safe - it's so senseless. These are the people that should be revered in our society. They shouldn't have to be human shields for when shit like this goes down. God bless those people. God bless teachers and school staff everywhere.

And this family, the shooter, killing his mother....I don't....I'm at a loss for words. And I hate him for killing himself before he could give us answers and at least tell us wtf made him do something so unspeakable. Draw us a fucking timeline.

My mouth is so dry. I just can't even....and this year has been crazy violent. So much madness. It's sick. But how do we stop these things? How do we keep things pure and FREE without locking down schools and homes and living in a world where kids can never leave their mother's side?

I just want to scream as loud as I possibly can.

Adventures in the North Georgia Mountains

My first excursion to Springer Mountain (southern terminus of the Appalachian Trail) nearly ended in disaster.

Well...that's a bit of an exaggeration. I was 85% sure everything was going to be fine, but the remaining 15% was disaster. Like, all out survival mode. 

Brudda and I got up late this morning to go hiking. We drove down to Georgia for the weekend and today was to be our last day of outdoor fun. After hiking up Springer mountain, running into some South-Bounders (all the way from Maine!) enjoying their victory along the way, and then heading down the Benton Mackeye trail to loop around back to the parking lot....well...that's when things got tricky. 

After a frustrating, never ending descent towards a road we were starting to believe didn't exist, I ended up turning my ankle just after we made the decision to hike the rest of the 1.5 miles on the other side of the road we finally found. 

Brudda was getting pretty worn out (we hadn't been out hiking in a long time) and my near boundless energy was the only thing that kept me from falling over in pain as my ankle started to swell. Brudda sent me on ahead with his car keys because the sun was beginning to set. I had hoped we would make it back to the car before then. 

I was starting to get nervous as I walked ahead (I have a naturally fast gait) - I like to have contingency plans and when I come up with one it usually takes over. Just a bit. 

"Okay I still haven't met the parking lot...well I guess I could find where the AT meets back up with the BMT and wait for Brudda there and then head back together since it'll be dark out by then....but maybe I'm LOST. And I don't know where I am and Brudda has the map. Oh, here's the AT sign...I must have to go this way...wait why am I still walking? I'm lost. I'm DEFINITELY lost. Okay. If I stay on the trail I'll be good - I can even stay here all night and at daybreak I can find my way to the road. I have my sweatshirt and some food and water. But what about Brudda? What if he comes looking for me? What if something happened to him? WHAT IF AN ARMY OF BEARS HAVE AMBUSHED HIM?"

Then I came to the road. 

"Well, I'm on a road now. Better go right, I bet the parking lot is like right there. Wait, where is it? Shit, the sun is setting. It's dark out now. I better run."

I ran about a mile down this gravel mountain road in the backwoods of the North Georgia mountains before I figured out I should have taken a left. I then walked as fast as I could back up the road UPHILL and went about .5 mile from where I met the road originally to the -  finally - parking lot.

"Well shit. It's dark out. Really dark. Brudda has his headlamp but...I know! I better take the car and drive it to where I met the road. Then I'll backtrack with the spare water (that was in the car) and find him and walk out with him."

I was getting really upset at this point. I've never hiked in the dark alone, let alone in an unfamiliar area filled with large territorial animals and lots of things to fall on or off of. Overreacting? Yeah probably. But better to be worried and serious than be found lying in a ditch the next morning, I've never said but should probably say because it's good common sense dammit. 

So there I am, about hysterical enough to drive the car off the side of the mountain (nt rly). At this point it is pitch black out, my ankle really hurts (but I could still run on it, so not horribly hurt). I was able to use my phone as a flashlight but the battery was dying.

"Brudda's probably got two broken legs and a raccoon gnawing on him as he lies helplessly in the stream (I get E.T. mixed up with reality a lot.). I must get to him!"

So I run. And I call for him. Five times. The fifth time, as I'm near tears and have already passed the AT/BMT intersection (where I notice a suspicious 4th path that one could take)...

"WHAAAT?"

Well then I calmed the fuck down. Sure enough, Brudda was nearing the last incline, using his trusty headlamp like a champ. And I felt like an idiot. I can't even convey the frantic panic I felt (but I kept my head and I guess if there was a real emergency then I probably did the right things...so there's that I guess.)

I ran to him and hugged him and spewed out an incomprehensible "IGOTLOSTANDTOOKTHEWRONGTRAILANDIGOTLOSTANDWENTTHEWRONGWAYANDIWASSCAREDBECAUSEITWASDARKANDIDIDN'TKNOWWHEREYOUWEREANDWESHOULDUSETHEBUDDYSYSTEMBECAUSEIT'SSODARKANDTHEREMIGHTBEBEARSORCOUGARSMAYBEORSERIALKILLERS"

Welp. So the rest of the story is I hike with him a ways, we discover I hiked at least an extra mile more than I need to, and I go get the car and bring it back to the parking lot. Everyone was found and we kicked that trails ass. 

Also I found a lot of milky quartz. 

I'm Gonna Write It!: A Wreck-It Ralph Review

HOORAY FOR ALLITERATION! (Also, thar be spoilers!)

And true to my word, here is my immediate review of Disney's Wreck-It Ralph.

OMGSOGREAT

I love video games. If you don't know me, let's get that out of the way. If you DO know me then I shouldn't have even had to mention that I love video games. Some of my earliest memories in life involve video games; I remember watching my brothers play some weird biblical game in which Joseph had to keep jumping over waterfalls (for some reason). I remember getting home from church and wanting to play Road Rash on the Genesis (ya rly....you make your own conclusions there). I don't remember birthday parties much, but I sure as hell remember when my oldest brother beat Sonic 2. I loved Goldeneye multiplayer and I mastered Soul Calibur. Some of my best memories from when I was in high school involved escaping to Vvardenfell or Hyrule.

Wreck-It Ralph is a movie for everyone, but I honestly believe it is lovingly crafted for people like my brothers and I - not just an homage here or a convenient joke there, but a love letter to the culture and icons that have become a part of our own identities in a way. Not just the volume of games and characters mentioned (I need to watch again to see what all I can pick out) but little things that a gamer can notice and identify with.

For instance, the self-aware fact that one needs a magical hammer (given by one's father) to actually repair the damage done as no contractor could do the same job in the same time given the accumulated destruction. Ryu and Ken from Street Fighter going to grab a couple brews after a hard day of beating the bejesus out of one another, and the exclamation point from Metal Gear Solid in the lost and found box. The not-so-subtle nod that "hey, remember that Q*bert exists?". King Candy's use of the infamous Konami Code to open the code vault. The "Sonic Sez" segment in Central Station (a personal favorite, although they went with, to my chagrin, "skinny" Sonic as opposed to his stouter original design). Quite possibly the greatest; the part where the race starts in Sugar Rush and the last racer skids in place trying to accelerate - we've all been there trying to time the boost juuuust right in Mario Kart  and missing it only to be the last to start the race.

By the way, WTF kind of name is "Rancis", anyway?

While I can see how many people could quickly tire of the Sugar Rush segments (with its Candyland-esque setting and saccharine puns) but honestly...I could see Sugar Rush as being the kind of game I'd be (or would have been at some point) all about, what with it's Jpop fusion. I think Sugar Rush would have worked better had it incorporated something like random robots or dinosaurs (ultra-kawaii, of course) roaming around to fit the over-the-top yet edgy cuteness that is so pervasive in every nook and cranny of the land.

Also..."assorted fans!....with nuts!" Why was that so funny? I have no idea. But I was dying in the theater.

As for the precocious and somewhat tragic character of Vannelope...I'm not going to lie. She was on screen for like 15 minutes and I was already weighing on what I would need to do for my next Halloween costume (the hoodie and the skirt would be pretty easy...I'd just need the boots, leggings, and wig complete with candy barrettes). Eeeyup.

While the plot could be seen as somewhat predictable (or as some would probably perceive it, unoriginal or lame)I think the beauty lies in the simplicity. It gives the spotlight to fleshing out the characters themselves; does programming make the character? Although similar in concept with Toy Story, I believe the similarities are fundamentally necessary to tell a story like this - what happens when the arcade closes? Why can't a villain be the hero for once?

As my brother pointed out, whoever was in charge of casting certainly deserved their paycheck. Every character was spot-on and even the peripheral characters were taken care of. Mindy Kaling as the bitchy Taffyta was a fitting stroke of genius, for instance. And seriously? Nobody could have brought Ralph to life like John C. Reilly. The actors cast weren't just cast because of their status in Hollywood like other hackney'd productions tend to do. In fact, the only semi- surprise was Jane Lynch as the no-nonsense Sgt. Calhoun - a rough and tumble action hero on par with Samus Aran who leads a team of commandos a la Halo meets Call of Duty. In hindsight, Lynch was the perfect choice, actually. While I found Jack McBrayer essentially reprising his role as Kenneth the page from 30 Rock in his channeling of Felix, Jr. (of Fix-It Felix, Jr. fame) I did find his mannerisms and voice on par with what one would expect from a humble contractor-with-a-magical-hammer. Aaaand then there's Sarah Silverman. I will never have a bad thing to say about Silverman. She can pull off anything - everyone knows she can get away with saying some of the most unbelievably tasteless things simply because she is some kind of magical witch comedienne (or maybe it's because she also has fooled the world into believing she is perpetually 10 years old, a skill that works brilliantly in her favor as Vannelope). She can do obnoxious and insufferable and still be endearing. Brava, Silverman.

The movie does have its flaws, and I have to say that because I can't be the Peter Travers of my own blog and say that every movie I write about is the best movie I've ever seen in my entire life (that's not fair to the Muppets and the Avengers). I'd love to see what a sequel could bring.

At the end of the day, though, I stick with my assessment that Wreck-It Ralph was made with a lot of love for gamers by gamers (or by people who did a toooon of research). Even if you have never played a game in your life, never fed a quarter to an arcade machine, or even know the finer points of Nintendo v. Sega (not that it matters now, anyway) the movie offers a lot on what it means to be left out without feeling like an after school special. Oh, and in case you forgot, the Konami Code is Up, Up, Down, Down, Left ,Right, Left, Right, B, A, START. 


P.S. Paperman, the short that was shown before the feature....so cute. I'm in love. 

P.P.S. Know what else was a good movie? Argo. Go see that one, too. Seriously. 

It's Your Loss Because I AM AWESOME

So this is going to be a rant. Let's just say what it is; a rant about my pissy situation that I feel helpless against. Some of it is going to be vague. That's okay - I don't believe in vaguebooking but I'll sure as hell vagueblog all day long. Some of you clever folks may have actually pieced together what's going on, but only if you stalk my facebook. (As such, it may be up for a week or so since I'll probably get paranoid and take it down. Regardless, writing in a public "forum" is cathartic for me when I'm upset - in case you couldn't tell- so here goes).

I am a pariah in my own "house". This internship was supposed to be amazing. I was supposed to learn. I was supposed to make friends and have fun and do all the things I never had time to do in Tampa. None of that has happened. I took for granted the fact that every other thing I've done like this has been mostly positive experiences.

I don't know where it begins; I wasn't properly trained to do anything. Another intern, one who would leave in 3 weeks, was in charge of showing me the ropes. It was easier for her to say "I'll do it" rather than show me. I put up with it because I figured "hey, I'm an intern, they won't let me slip through the cracks. I'll learn this". Nope. And then I messed up. I don't have common sense nor do I apparently love animals as much as anyone else working there because then I wouldn't have made a mistake. I've owned up to my mistakes, and I've apologized for them. I've worked twice as hard.

The people I work with, a few volunteers and coworkers aside, haven't even tried to get to know me. Nobody, except for one person (one whom I get along with, in fact) has asked what is up with my hair. This is usually the first thing people ask. Really? You don't notice it getting shorter and more sparse? I'm sure you know birds pluck out their feathers when their living situation is stressful. Did you know humans do it, too? Oh, you didn't? That's because you'd rather talk about me when I'm not around rather than just ask me. Thanks. I really appreciate that.

When I enter a room, I'm just ignored. Just glided past, or tersely told "I'll do it". "I'll take care of it later". When I try to do something, I'm undermined. Not corrected, just flat out undermined - if the thing in question is even acknowledged in the first place. It's hostile. And the stupid thing? I like my coworkers. I like my boss. They're good people. I just don't understand what is going on. Our vibes don't mesh or somesuch.

I've never had trouble making friends. Seriously. Never. In school, even during the worst days, I had friends I could count on at least in some capacity. At Disney, I had my roommates, Caite, Tony, Nick, Pete, and everyone else in a matter of weeks. In St. Louis, Eli, Lindsey, Kristan, EB, and I started our own bowling/drinking club. We were awesome and I still love those guys (I had to miss Lindsey's wedding, in fact, yesterday!). Then I made even more friends instantly in St. Louis when I got a summer job at the zoo - Matt, Nicki, Tammi, Kim...hell...EVERYONE in the IN Room. In Tampa I had Georgetta, Danielle, Melissa, Lauren, Adam, Kara, Kaia, Jessica, Andrea, Rachel, etc etc. Even though they came around at different times, I still had at least one person I could hang out with at college. Hell, even in Honduras, when I was there for only a week, I met a ton of amazing people who I would consider to be my friends.

Here? Nobody has tried to be my friend. No one has said "hey Erin, you're new around here...let's go get a drink!" or "let's watch a movie!" and I realize I may be a hypocrite for never offering myself, but I've tried to start conversations and I just. get. shut. down. Every time.

So I've taken refuge in my room, counting down the days til I return to a place that doesn't make me miserable every single second of every single day. Tonight, I leave my room to find ant traps all around my door. Odd. There aren't any ants coming from under my door into the hallway, so what's going on? And I was told I needed to work on MY communication.

Here's the thing - at this point, yes, I'd rather be left alone. I would have quit by now, but I love my job, and quitting means one less person to help around the Sanctuary and with the birds. I don't quit. If they ask me to leave, on the other hand...I'll have my things out of here within a couple hours max. Besides, only four more weeks left.

I can't help but feel, and I know this is what losers say to console themselves, but it's true - that they are the ones missing out.

I'm awesome. I have my ups and downs, and I get really boring when I'm depressed, but if you extend just a little effort to make me feel welcome, a part of the group, even just smile at me once in awhile, you'd find that I'm funny. I'm personable. I'm smart and I can be witty. I like a lot of things, and I bet I like a lot of the things you also like. I'm a great listener and a hard worker. I literally do not hate anyone. I'm helpful to a fault. I am a great friend, and whenever I start to doubt this, I'm reminded that I am because in return I have amazing friends from every chapter of my life. I have had amazing adventures and will continue to do so because I am  an incredible person. If you don't see that, or don't bother to, then why should I waste any of my energy and time trying to get you to come around? I also know how to choose my battles. I will continue to work hard and give my all, but any pretenses of learning and living from this internship have dissolved.

Again, the people I work with are truly wonderful, compassionate, capable people, and I don't resent them for not being my super BFFs. I would have appreciated the effort, though. The thing that irks me is when I'm flat out not told anything or even acknowledged as a human being. I deserve better. In a month I am gone. After I get home, I'm going to St. Louis. I'm going to have coffee at my favorite places, walk around Forest Park, and hang out with my best friend. I'm done with Florida. I believe in signs, and I believe this entire experience is one giant "DEAD END" sign being shoved into my face. Don't stay here, turn around, go the other way. This is not where you belong.

Message received loud and clear. I was worried that I was broken - that whatever knack I have with people was gone. But then I've gotten into contact with people I haven't spoken to in months, maybe longer, and I realize that no, it's not gone. Whomever I'm speaking with....we always pick up right where we left off. So I don't need to worry - wherever I go next (whether it's the Peace Corps, or grad school, or another temporary job) I know I'll meet like-minded individuals who are just as exceptionally amazing as I am. That's what I'm looking forward to. That's what keeps me motivated and optimistic even though this feels like the longest month of my entire life.

Go West, Young Lady, Go West

Uh...so I'm thinking about going west. I'm not sure if I've made that clear or not.

I've really overstayed my welcome with Florida....and although I like where I am, I like where I'm working, and I like the people I've met in the Keys...it still feels off. I'm not functioning correctly. Some things just aren't meshing the way they should. Then again, I've also had a history of bad luck (and relapses, come to think of it) with the Keys in the first place. Hmm.

I can't help but feel it's time for a change of scenery and climate.

Know what else is west of here? St. Louis. There's this part of me that keeps reminding me, like my own personal Navi, that Heeeey Lissssstteeeeeeen remember when you lived in St. Louis and it was freaking awesome and you loved every minute of it? Remember how much you loved walking around Forest Park? Remember how it was so damn easy to make friends there? I do remember. And honestly, I think I would be just as happy if I moved back (although my best friend is moving away from the City! boooo) - unlike with Disney, St. Louis happiness isn't situational. I feel good whenever I visit. I feel at home. I walk around the zoo and meet up with old friends and actually make plans to hang out because that's what friends do. I don't feel hollow whenever I visit Disney or Tampa - like a time traveler who suddenly wound up in the future and there's no place for them anymore. Finding an ecology job in the city would be a real task, though.    I'm not sure I want to do keeping anymore. I mean, I think I would love it, but I also think that if I stick with science and conservation I need to be in the field.

....Which brings me back to the West. Like west West. Like West Coast...although Colorado and Wyoming don't sound so bad, either. But then there's Yosemite, which I instantly fell in love with....and of course it all comes back to employment. It seems NPS jobs are few and far between right now, and few places are hiring research techs. I've bookmarked some natural history museums so I can check their job pages periodically but nothing has turned up yet.

And then there's the issue with Linkedin because I don't even have a professional enough picture to use and I'm kind of scared to network (I'm really bad at it) because I'm afraid people won't remember me or some other irrational fear.

Oh yeah I need to finish my Peace Corps application. I think JET might be out of the picture now - I just don't have the heart to apply like I once did.

So yeah, West. I'm going to send all my positive vibes out that something turns up because at this point that's all I can do.

To offset any unnecessary bitching in this post:

• My friends are freaking amazing. I was thinking about this today - I have 359 friends on facebook and the only reason I can't pare it down more is that every single person, at any given moment, has the possibility that they post something I like or that sparks a conversation or vice versa. I don't collect friends - I keep in touch with them, even if it's something as mundane as a "like". Caring about that many people reminds me how blessed I am to have traveled and met so many wonderful people. 
• I had a dream about Drosophila (fruit flies) last night. Genetics still haunts my dreams, apparently. 
• George the cat is adorable but he drives me crazy what with his escaping shenanigans and his tendency to paw and cry at my door (to be let into my room) at like 3:00 am every night. 
• I made friends with a baby raccoon. 
• I think a Wes Anderson marathon may be in my immediate future
• I'm thinking of joining that there twitter machine...even though I LITERALLY have no idea how it works. (I get the concept, the website confuses me)
• Being really absent minded means I'm a genius, right? 

My Only Marketable Skill is to Occupy Space

If you're cool, you know that the title of this blog is a Futurama quote (and one of my favorite ones to use in self-deprecating humor). If you're not cool, and you didn't know that, now you do.

Don't worry, this blog isn't going to be about how I'm not good at anything. You all know that (haha!). No, this post is just gonna be about where I'm going from here.

I have no friggin clue.

Mere hours ago I submitted my final draft shark manuscript to the International Journal of Comparative Psychology for a special issue on animal behavior in zoos and aquariums. IF they decide to publish it then I can officially start my CV (I mean, I could now, but where's the fun in that?). Still doesn't mean a whole lot if I don't have a job, though.

And I don't just want "a job". I don't want to start a career that I'm half excited about. I want a career that becomes a lifestyle - that makes me think I'm the luckiest person in the world because I get to do that everyday. More and more I find myself questioning what, exactly, that dream job is.

Wildlife photography still looks pretty glamorous even though I'm in no way qualified for it. Research....research and I are in a rocky relationship right now. Something happened in college that...well, for lack of a better term, made me fall out of love with science.

I love natural history. I love the idea of going to a place where few have gone before and just observing my surroundings; discovering things that can't,or shouldn't have to be, quantified with a million different statistical tests. I like the idea that Adventurer or Explorer could be put on a resume or business card. I don't think those jobs exist, however...at least not now. I know, I could be super ambitious and find a way to do these things that involve struggling to keep things together just to fulfill a mockery of a dream - but it would be just that; a random assortment of temporary jobs and means to pay bills in order to possibly do something I find fun - learning for curiosity's sake.

I don't want that. I want consistency. I don't want to have to struggle for my passion because for all the things I romanticize I am practical about how hard one should have to work when there could be a better way of doing so.

Example: I could join the Peace Corps, and then do the Jet Program. Both are things I've wanted to do, both would be extremely fulfilling in their own right, both would allow me to see the world. Both also mean I would be barely scraping by, and both assuredly mean I would spend a few more years having to make new friends, leave them, not be in one place long enough or in the right environment to settle down and start a life of my own. Even if I could become a Professional Adventurer, that means I would have to sacrifice routine. I need a little bit of routine.

The past six years, I haven't stayed in one place consecutively for more than 11 months. People come and go, my schedule changes, my circumstances change, my environment itself changes. And in many ways I love this; I love being filled with wanderlust. I believe...I KNOW I'm living an amazing life. But at the same time I have my own ideas about what it means to finally grow up - and having a place of my own to call home is one of those things.

Part of me wonders if, subconsciously, I'm just stalling.

But I still love nature; I love animals, I love the Earth, I love learning new things and new skills and experiencing different ways of life. I love the idea that what I'm doing with my life at any given moment is making the world better - I need to pursue a career in something that matters. That makes a difference. Because otherwise, what's the point? Conservation will always be a part of my life.

If I could get a job where, like, someone said "hey, Erin, we know absolutely nothing about this ecosystem in this remote location....we need you to go out there and observe. Just sit there and figure it out. How everything interacts, why they interact like that. Do that and we'll pay you so you can buy groceries and pay bills and whatnot." That would be great.

I want to make it clear, boys and girls, that I'm not turned off by science because of icky statistics. No, I'm turned off by the idea that before you do the fun stuff, you not only have to form your hypothesis but also model how you're going to study something. I understand the Scientific Method. I understand the reasons behind controlling variables and bias. I just think that personally I would much prefer to discover something, observe it, and draw my studies on it based around it - not making one facet of said observation fit neatly into my structured study. I feel that way of doing science has become antiquated (for many good reasons, actually). I'm not turned off by the fact that it's hard work and sometimes the work sucks but it's worth it in the end - no, actually, I love a good challenge - I guess I can't put into words what exactly has disillusioned me.

Maybe it'll come back to me, though, if the right job, the right grad program, the right whatever, comes to me. I need to keep my eyes peeled. I've been checking various natural history museums for openings in this and that - seems as good a place as any to start.

So....what is it I'm trying to say? What's the point that I'm making? That I don't know what I want to do with my life? That I don't even know where I belong, or what should come next? That maybe sometimes all I want is to meet Tom Hiddleston a nice boy and settle down before I turn 40 and realize my interpersonal relationships suck because I can't stay in one spot for X amount of months? Yeah I guess...but also maybe I need to push myself a little harder, try everything that I can, to get to the place I need to be.

Or maybe, I need to figure out how to live in this moment, to stop planning ahead and planning my next step because I'll only wind up going somewhere and leaving as I plan beyond that. Let pieces fall where they may, let things come to me. I need to make my mind stop over-thinking. I don't know how. I don't know how to enjoy right now. Instead, I plan ahead and envision tons of different scenarios and timelines and lifestyles and things to come - I indulge in escapism, and end up disappointed.

Life is weird, you guys.


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Bonus! Proof that this is not a self-deprecating post: I made a list of things that I'm good at and that I like about me:

I dream big.

I type fast.

I’m empathetic and compassionate.

I’m very good at pop culture and trivia.

I love to sing, even when I sing badly

I like almost everything and am easy to get along with

I’ve learned that I can always try again tomorrow.

I learn from my mistakes.

I have a cute nose.

My eyes are beautiful.

I am loveable.

I am funny.

I have a good incidental memory when it comes to conversations.

I love to love.
I am a good hugger.
My toes are not gross looking. 
I am good at portmanteaus. 
Cats like me.
I do not get hangovers from beer
I will never spend more than $15 for a t-shirt (I'm looking at you, Gwyneth Paltrow!)
I would probably make a good actress because I can memorize lines and I make funny faces and if I try really hard I can make myself cry on cue. At least community theater. (I'm kidding, you guys. Anyone can do community theater...kidding again!) 
I recognize humorous context is hard to convey in a written format. 
I can wiggle my ears.