Sorrow, Fear, and Batman.

Note: I didn't really organize my thoughts here. I just can't seem to make my mind make sense today and focus, so I apologize if none of this makes sense or seems to be composed weird.

Many of you know that at the midnight premier of the Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, Colorado, a gunman entered through the emergency exit of the theater and opened fire. 12 people were killed and many others injured.

 Immediately after the events came to light I saw an outpouring of grief, fear, love, and even a little hope. After all, such a tragedy could happen to anyone, anywhere, and maybe a little bit of our perceived safety net was taken away. However, following tumblr, pinterest, facebook, reddit, and other major internet strongholds I realized something - people were coming together in the spirit of Batman. Some were using his anti-gun stance as a call for stricter gun control, others were posting ribbons with the famous Bat signal emblem on them, but many were talking it out about how the tragedy affected them personally. I don't necessarily mean personally as in they were there or had loved ones involved - but they may as well have. Who can't empathize with victims who were excited to view a long awaited film, a time of great anticipation and joy and almost serenity. This is a tragedy that tugs the heart strings of every film lover, every fan of any kind, every human being simply because of the senselessness of the action. My brother, Andrew, wrote a very eloquent post about that aspect - what the movie-going experience means to him (and many others) and how that magic being turned into the unimaginable is something that strikes us all. I watched on tv last night Anderson Cooper interviewing some of the people who were in the theater as well as some family members of the victims. It was important to all of them that the victims should be remembered and not the man who killed them (whose name I won't mention here as well). Anything less is inappropriate. It is also inappropriate to ignore the people who helped one another out in the midst of the chaos - One man even took a bullet for his girlfriend. That is Level Batman bravery and badass-ery.

Personally, I'm heartbroken for the victims and their families but I don't fear public spaces any moreso. When I was blossoming into a teenager I had a lot of irrational anxieties - one time, while on vacation with the family, we saw the Phantom Menace in theaters. For some reason I was really scared that the theater was going to blow up. I thought about that yesterday. Although that fear doesn't seem so irrational given the circumstances, I've come to terms with something since. There will always be risks. There will always be danger, and we will never be certain if we're completely safe or not - no matter how many metal detectors or measures we take. There will always be psychos out there who plan on hurting people. I'm not saying this to be some kind of depressing realist, but because it means we have to balance our fear with rationality. Statistical probability versus situational empathy.We can't cower behind extensive security measures because in doing so we give up a little of our freedom; to privacy, to live as we please, to live confidently with the knowledge that yes, something bad might happen, but that shouldn't stop us from living and loving.

 There's an odd but fitting parallel in this tragedy. Like Anderson Cooper, I don't want to dwell on the crazy guy who did this...but I find it strange that this man would make his point, or take his mental break-down out, or whatever, during a Batman film. It's terrifying to think that he planned such an opportune moment to open fire and instill such chaos and fear in a packed theater on a night that was much awaited. Today people are afraid. I've seen several people post how uneasy they are in public spaces, how we need more gun control, less gun control, how nowhere is safe anywhere. This is where the parallel comes in, but first I want to speak my mind on Batman himself.

 I'm just going to go right out and say it; I don't really care for Nolan's Batman trilogy. I don't dislike it, but I don't think it's the end-all be-all trilogy (I found myself realizing that the Dark Knight was dragging on as I kept checking the time, whereas I still find myself swept up completely in other movies with similar runtimes, for instance). I like the movies but don't get the hype. There is nothing wrong with that and it isn't necessarily relevant to this post - I just figured I should get that out of the way in case my points contradict Bale's brooding motives and people want to nerd fight over it. Personally I preferred Burton's take on Batman, where Gotham was a weird, almost whimsical place with a grim reality at its core. It made the ridiculousness of the villains and a grown man in bat suit more appropriate. It doesn't matter which version of the story I prefer because bottom line I still love Batman. He was always my preferred superhero because he represented ingenuity, not god-given talent, to influence his environment. Of course the massive inheritance helps his endeavor, but even unlike Tony Stark who was, to an extent, born a genius Bruce Wayne must train and work and build through trial and error and drive. Depending on how grimdark you want to delve into the psyche of Batman, you could also say a sick obsession with vengeance drives him. I'm going to ignore that point and focus on campy Batman (the one who hangs out with Superman a lot and makes unintentional double entendres at Robin). Batman is a human being who feels a lot of hate and angst but chooses to be brave instead. The character in spirit, why we love him and connect with him, isn't because of his call for vigilante justice - but a call for bravery in the face of cowardice, teamwork in the face of loneliness, and small but important victories in the face of a seemingly endless internal war.

 Gotham City is a place filled with chaos and fear. Its very citizens are slaves to the reality that psychos crawl among them, manifesting their sick and twisted desires in the most flamboyant and deadly manner. It is a grim, strange place where sometimes nothing makes sense. Batman fights to change all that; of course he has his own tragedies and his own flaws, but at the end of the day Batman represents a notion that we shouldn't live in absolute fear, that we can be repressed just as much by our fear as we are by the villains who instill it and that we don't have to be that way. Batman looks at cowardice and fights back. There are lessons to be learned from this tragedy. If we give in to fearing every possible situation at every moment in time, then the villains of the world win.

The man who shot up the theater thought of himself as the Joker. Let's all be Batman.

Reflections on My Own American Dream.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone! Now, before I get into the nitty-gritty of my post, I want to give a disclaimer. I'm writing this as a reflection of the meaning of the day as it pertains to me. I realize my viewpoints may not line up with those of anyone who reads this, and that is okay. It's one aspect that does make America great. I'm also NOT writing this as a super smug liberal-hipster (libster?) who wants to condemn flag waving and red-white-and-blue party plates...if I was I would have said "Happy Fourth of July, everyone! Have you hugged any French today?". That being said, I would like to share this video.

America Is Not The Greatest Country in the World (the Newsroom, HBO)

The above clip is from HBO's new series, the Newsroom, starring Jeff Daniels as a cynical anchor of an all news network. He is speaking at a university with two other pundits (one liberal, one conservative) and was reluctant to give a serious viewpoint concerning political alignment. Although the first episode deals primarily with the aftermath of his tirade (which he blames on vertigo medication), there is something that just resonates with the audience and, of course, with the audience watching the show at home. It is not fair to just show the first half and leave out his lamenting yet hopeful call for true American greatness. As Sorkenesque as the writing may be, I felt the above clip summarized very much what I feel about the United States as it stands today....not just because I feel that America is not the greatest country in the world (I think it's on par with other first world nations) but because of that second half.

"Sure used to be. We stood up for what was right. We fought for moral reasons. We passed laws, struck down laws, for moral reasons. We waged wars on poverty, not poor people. We sacrificed. We cared about our neighbors. We put our money where our mouths were. And we never beat our chest.

We built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases, and we cultivated the world’s greatest artists and the world’s greatest economy...We reached for the stars. Acted like men.

We aspired to intelligence. We didn’t belittle it—it didn’t make us feel inferior.

We didn’t identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election, and we didn’t, oh, we didn’t scare so easy. Ha. We were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed. By great men. Men who were revered. First step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. America is not the greatest country in the world anymore."

I am an American patriot.

A lot of people may disagree with this sentiment. "You don't think America is the greatest? How can you be patriotic?". That's easy. How do you love another person despite all of their inherit flaws? Or dark spots in their history? How can you love something even though sometimes things don't work out the way you want them? That, for me, is patriotism. It is not Nationalism, the blind idea that one's country is the best and can do no wrong (and for the record, EVERY nation has citizens with this belief. Please don't think I'm trying to ruffle my own countrymen's feathers with that statement). And yes, Will's statement is a little white-washed in and of itself and the kind of call to "a simpler time" that usually makes me roll my eyes...

...On the other hand, in school, I always loved hearing about the Great Depression and World War II. Not so much because I have a macabre fascination with history and suffering (which I do, but that's beside the point), but because things were done because they were right. I'm not talking about the mess that led us to the economic nightmare that was the Great Depression; I'm talking about the aftermath. The Civilian Conservation Corps, part of the New Deal, gave jobs to millions of out of work young men and helped make our country not only more beautiful but more accessible to every citizen. Relief and recovery were given to EVERYONE in need and no one batted an eye about helping those less fortunate because everyone was in the same boat together. Government handouts weren't considered a Marxist wet-dream so much as the government serving it's people. Then the United States became involved with World War II, and despite my personal disgust at isolationists for taking so long in getting involved, one must still feel a sense of pride at seeing those old posters for the war efforts. Victory gardens, rationing, reminding every citizen that they had something to sacrifice - by giving up these new found comforts that come with a booming economy, we were helping our boys overseas. World War II was fought with a clear directive, an almost too perfect "good vs. evil" (gray areas such as Stalin aside) scenario that literally everyone in the world could get behind. This is why I have a hard time taking people's word on supporting wars today and comparing it to the WWII war effort. Nothing is that clear cut, and motives are much more rooted and covered. Maybe it was then, too. I don't know.


What I do know, though, even if hindsight is 20-20; for every dark spot on our record as a nation we have spots of genuine goodness, integrity, and innovation. One of my favorite essayists, Sarah Vowell (really, check out her books, she's amazing) said in her book the Partly Cloudy Patriot that "The true American patriot is by definition skeptical of the government". I agree with this statement, as I find myself agreeing with many things Ms. Vowell has to say. However, it's not the government itself that I find myself being skeptical about. So many other things factor in.


People who believe others can't be true "Americans" because they disagree. People who twist the Constitution to support their own agenda, partisanship in general, historical white-washers, people who couldn't even pass an American history course yet are speaking and acting in office as though history does not repeat itself, people who don't understand how taxes work or what socialism really is. But if anything, today is not a day to dwell on all that. Not for me. 


Today is a day when we celebrate the crazy notion that the will of the people are what make a nation and not the government; that the government must serve it's people. Today is the day where we remember that sometimes the underdogs who want it more (and yes, with help from a boatload of French guys), can come out on top. Today is the day where we get to pat ourselves on the back for all the amazing things America has accomplished, that Americans have contributed to the global community. Today should also be the day that we look to the future for upcoming accomplishments, to not say "remember when things were simpler?", but to instead say "what can we accomplish as a nation in the next 100 years?". Today is the kind of day where I hope that the promise of an easier, better tomorrow, where science is not feared but celebrated, where civil rights and basic freedoms can be upheld, and where every child really can follow their ambitions because they received the education and community support they needed. That, to me, is the American dream. I am fortunate to live in this country because it can change hats and become greater than it ever has before. I love this entire world dearly, but I will always be an American. 

Tomorrow, let's not pat ourselves on the back anymore and instead start doing again. We live in a beautiful country filled with natural wonders and amazing cultural diversity found nowhere else on the planet. We should be celebrating the promise of our future every other day of the year. As citizens, we should all work on being kinder, being more open minded, and learn to really research what's going on around us. We shouldn't ride the coat-tails of our past success but instead observe and create. 


So yeah, I don't think that the United States is the greatest country in the world. We are not the only ones who enjoy freedom. We're a little behind in accepting progress when we built our entire foundation on progress, but things can always change. My American dream is what I believe in, why I love this country because it CAN happen, and why I am an American patriot. 

Avengers: Stray Observations

Tonight I watched the Avengers...again. The wonderful thing about watching a movie for the second, third, fourth, etc. time is finding new things to look at and analyze. My attention, while still on the film, was free to notice little things and imagine scenarios playing out that the movie missed out on. I had so many of these moments that I decided to compile them. WARNING: Spoilers ahead. Like majorly. 

• Thor captures Loki and fights with Tony and Steve in what looks like Yosemite. If so, the National Park Service is going to be PISSED when they find the damage. I imagine the ghost of John Muir coming out of the woods and being all like "what the hell, guys?". I would also pay to see a sequel in which the ghost of John Muir is an Avenger...since apparently Ant-man, Wolverine, and Spidey can't get no love (granted the latter two were only recent additions). 

• There are so many squee moments during the movie (you know, the kind of fangirlish - or boy, I'm not gonna judge - moments that make you go omgomgomg!) but my favorite, aside from the slow zoom on Chris Evans' butt, is probably the moment during the climactic battle where the camera shows the Avengers coming together as a team and working as a unit (Thor jumping on the thing's back to assist the Hulk, Iron Man and Cap's super cool laser beam trick). I love it when things come together. 

• I don't care if you think Whedon's dialogue is bad (I'm looking at you, Eli, you crazy person)...he has a strong sense of character development. That is why I've found it odd when people's complaints with the movie include "hurrr hurrr its nothing but action sequences and no development". Whedon is a master of telling a backstory and creating a sense of a character's being in a short amount of time; the trick is you have to pay attention to nuances and not just spoken dialogue. This is why I can't multitask while watching Buffy, Angel, or Firefly - I'd miss out on critical information in a split second. 

• Iron Man, after completing his Jonah and the Whale escapade, landed next to the Shawarma place he described soon after. 

• Was that an engagement ring on Pepper Potts' finger at the end of the movie? IT WAS, WASN'T IT??? Squeeee! 

• There is clearly a populated area directly below the carrier in the scene where Tony is fixing the engine. They probably aren't a fan of all the debris falling from the sky. 

• I still like to imagine that Peter Parker and the Fantastic Four were sitting in their respective locales in New York City and watching the events unfold on TV...first reacting all like "what the hell is going on?" and then "eh....these guys seem to have it under control."  Meanwhile, the X-Men are just glad they are upstate in Rochester..."oh man, sorry you guys...we were TOTALLY going to come help but, ya know, taking the X-Jet just wasn't fuel efficient and by the time we rented a van you guys pretty much had it taken care of..."

• I realize I'm asking too much from a movie whose sole purpose is to mash together superheros, but the thing I love most about Marvel is the comprehensive sense of awareness (yes, I know D.C. also does it, yadda yadda Supes and Batman are BFFs forever, but Marvel has always made their universe come alive better, IMO)...but I would have liked to seen an acknowledgement thrown to the other big wigs in the Marvel Universe. I don't need a cameo, and I understand red tape nightmares even within their own franchise, but it would have been pretty sweet to at least acknowledge that the Avengers weren't the only superheroes. And yes, I DID take note of Fury's offhand comment about "others out there that we can't control". I just like to ask a lot in terms of fandom. 

• I teared up at the part where Tony calls Pepper while he was routing the nuke into space. Deep inside I knew Whedon wouldn't (couldn't, or else Iron Man 3 would be pretty short) kill off Iron Man, but....you never know. Props to Whedon for keeping his character killing to a minimum -only poor Coulson felt his wrath. I imagine Agent Coulson is in Whedon heaven playing dinosaurs with Wash. 

• Uh....Mr. Policeman...how do you not know who Captain freaking America is? If a man that fabulously handsome wearing a ridiculous suit that only he can manage to pull off, you do not wait for him to punch a bunch of aliens in the face. He clearly is the real deal. 

• It's already been said by everyone ever, but Mark Ruffalo really did a spot on job with Bruce Banner.  Not that I found Edward Norton bad - I believe he would have done just as well with Whedon directing, but considering things fell through with him Ruffalo really stepped up. I loved how awkward he was in a true science nerd fashion. 

• Sprecking of which, characterization really shone through with Banner and the Hulk. One question (and criticism) I've seen come up is why didn't the Hulk rationalize his thoughts aboard the carrier like he did in NYC? I've decided that Banner's story arc was about control and acceptance. During the course of the movie he makes it clear that he resents "the other guy", that he is very aware of the danger of letting the Hulk loose, and is resentful of him for stealing his life away. Tony even lectures him on how such a burden becomes a part of someone, and they must accept it. Banner shows up in NYC on his little motorbike (which for some reason I find adorably hilarious) ready for action and voluntarily turns into the Hulk - by accepting this other part of him, he finally has control of him. That's what I got out of it, anyway. 

• For funsies, I'll go into my other character arc observations since that argument that the movie lacks it really pisses me off. Steve, still upset about his future robbed from him and lost in a time he doesn't quite understand, or even want to understand, feels lost. From receiving orders to discovering the the intention behind Phase 2 and Tony's snide comment about "everything that's special about you came from a bottle", all he feels like is a soldier in a battle he has no control of. Coulson's idealism as well as his own initiative to step up during the NYC battle puts him in his rightful place as not only the personification of courage, kindness, and strength but also as the leader of the Avengers. Tony's selfless act of putting the nuke through the portal, knowing he was probably going to die doing so, negated his previous bad habit of making things about him and how these things affected him. He realized there was no way out and couldn't just "cut the wire" this time, and yet he did it anyway. He also had a prime opportunity to take a cheap shot at Loki with an expected witticism once he rose from the streets in his new suit, but instead made it abundantly clear that Loki would be held accountable for Coulson's death. Natasha and Clint didn't really have much of an arc so much as a look into their already formed characters - what they mean to each other, how their pasts have affected their current situation. It was clear, though, that despite how she played it off some of what Loki said got to Natasha and that is why she was ready to become a soldier. I found out recently that Clint is, in the comics, mostly deaf...so, ya know, I guess that's interesting. Thor didn't really have much development but considering all the growing up he did in his own movie I guess it could slide. He did, as Loki pointed out, retain a constant sense of sentimentality that kept him trying to reason with his brother instead of straight up murdering his ass. It is implied that this will always be the case. How sweet. 

• You guys, how friggin sweet was Natasha's jump off of Cap's shield onto that flying thingy? It looked like fun. 

• If you work for S.H.I.E.L.D. and are a female (or Hawkeye, apparently) you MUST wear the standard uniform catsuit. Caleb said any organization that Natasha is a member of that doesn't require a catsuit should be burned to the ground. Psh. 

• Those fly-y thingies that shot out the alien troopers is clearly a living thing, or at least a weapon made up of organic matter - when the Hulk causes one to explode, you see viscera and things flying about. So do the alien soldiers live inside them, or are those umbilical cords on the soldiers when they come shooting out of it onto the buildings? 

• Alexis Denisof as the Other. It didn't even sound like him (modulation aside). I honestly had a hard time paying attention to those scenes because I kept reciting his lines in my head as said by my favorite loser rogue demon hunter turned badass Wesley Wyndam-Pryce.

• Speaking of Buffyverse, Whedon looooooves those shots of a giant area being engulfed into a pit of doom while a vehicle full of people drive away, barely missing the destruction. Also, the "you lack conviction" speech Coulson gives to Loki was TOTALLY in an episode of Angel. Like, nearly verbatim. 

• The S.H.I.E.L.D. bosses can't be taken seriously. Why? Because it looks like they're trying to recreate the Guild of Calamitous Intent. Just throw David Bowie as the Sovereign in there and suddenly this becomes a Venture Brothers vehicle. Which I would watch forever, especially considering Rusty Venture is definitely Tony Stark in the darkest timeline. 

• Suiting up for the major battle! Hell yeah! Wait...is Natasha putting on a Nintendo Power Glove?

• The "tink" sound when Loki tries to corrupt Tony's heart is the icing on the hilarity cake. 

• WTF is "dark power", Loki? Quit making up things. But no, really, Thor...you're not even going to take a second to pop on over to Jane and tell her hello? I mean it was pretty well established at the end of Thor that she was never going to stop looking for him. That's cold, man. 

• Directed by Joss Whedon. Screenplay by Joss Whedon. Produced by Joss Whedon. A Joss Whedon film. Starring: Joss Whedon. Music by Joss Whedon. Catering by Joss Whedon Problematic Foods Inc. Visual Effects by Joss Whedon. No Joss Whedons were harmed in the making of this Joss Whedon. 

Lastly, look at this picture. LOOK AT IT! Tom Hiddleston Loki Squee! 

This "list" might be updated as I think over other stuffs...but please, feel free to add your own observations! 

Storybrooke! Y U NO MAKE SENSE?

Finally, finally, I'm catching up on Once Upon a Time. It was one of the few shows I actually watched in Tampa (that's really saying something) and there's a certain irony that I haven't kept up with it now that I have literally every hour of every day free. Because I made this blog post like, the most popular status of all time on facebook, I figured I better follow through and jot my concerns down. Also, for the record, I'm fairly certain I could have written a post on how I just sprouted wings and it wouldn't have gotten nearly as many likes. I'm just sayin.

A few things about Storybrooke, the town in Maine where all the story book characters live in modern day, have been on my mind. I'd like to bring up some of these points because, honestly, I can't be the only one who's wondered wtf is going on with this town. 

And yes, I'm taking into consideration that I should repeat to myself "it's just a show, I should really just relax"...but, ya know, free time and all that. 

The first thing that strikes me is the obvious; the characters of Storybrooke can't leave their town or else horrible things happen. No one ever comes to Storybrooke. Okay fair (and ominous) enough. However, 

where are the shops getting their supplies? The people their clothes?The episode with Hansel and Gretel clearly showed a modern day convenience store and not some little old timey general store. Do they have their own self sustaining community with power plants and water treatment facilities? I understand the town has been in some sort of stasis since the curse began, but how long ago was that? How are they keeping up on current trends? Who is supplying the town with gasoline? WHO IS DISTRIBUTING PRODUCT TO THIS PLACE? I know it's relatively minor given the plot, but honestly - if you're going to have the whole secrecy and captivity thing going on, at least be more subtle about modern globalization and distribution of goods. Or, ya know, magic. Whatever. 

This led to a whole host of other questions. If Storybrooke is a town conceived from a curse (again, at an indeterminate time), then has Storybrooke always existed before Maine was even a thing, or was it just kinda dropped there? I feel like the State of Maine isn't even aware of it's existence (most likely due to all the vampires and aliens and whatnot Stephen King always writes about - I'm certain that takes up a good deal of attention with the state government). So if that's the case, because the whole nobody leaves and nobody comes, did the Curse take into account government records? If not, then Storybrooke isn't even legally recognized as a part of the United States of America. Think about it. Regina's empty threats at legal action against whatever is pissing her off that week are laughable when you realize that the attention on the town drawn from said action will cause an uproar warranting further investigation. Did the Curse plan to cover it's tracks with the whole no one enters, no one leaves thing? Good job, Rumpelstiltskin...didn't count on the power of bureaucracy, did you? When things get really heated and shit goes down that simply can't be ignored, I'd like a cutaway scene of some very confused government officials going "Holy shit...has that place always been there?" 

Finally, and this has been increasingly annoying since I first noticed this, does Regina even KNOW what a mayor is supposed to do? She butts into everyone's business and then threatens with this and that - all under the principle "I'm the mayor hurr hurr". Her mayoral plot device (which no one questions, ever) has made her  character not so much antagonistic as just plain obnoxious. I want to punch her in her stupid face every time I see her in a scene because she clearly disregards local government (seriously? Didn't think about getting that $40,000 playground budget approved?) but also common decency. She's that friend that every popular girl in jr. high had that would get into everyone else's business and defend her friend's honor by provoking confrontation...despite the fact she literally has nothing to do with it. Corruption charges alone (using local police for frivolous tasks while on duty) should have her resignation and arrest. Emma, if she was even a real sheriff and not one in the wild west cowboy sense, would have noticed this if she was actually trained at her job. Which she's not, because she's upholding questionable laws in a town not even legally recognized itself. Facepalms for everyone! Unless that was Regina's plan all along; kill off Graham not because he is turning loyalties but instead take the risk of putting someone grossly incompetent on the job. 

Wait, jk on the finally, I just had a new thought. Clearly people can die in Storybrooke (Graham, possibly Kathyrine) but is it limited to intentional death or does life continue and end naturally? If Granny kicked the bucket, would it affect the Curse? Also, lol wut Lewis Carroll characters? Next they'll have Dorothy and Toto showing up. Throw in a few of Tolkien's hobbits while you're at it. That was just an observation to the fact that this town is small as hell - how do these people not know one another??

I know this seems like a lot of meaningless questions but honestly these all run through my mind every episode in about the span of a minute. Anyway, I'm not really criticizing the show but thought I'd get these important matters off my mind. 

Tales from Unemployment

Three months already? Good gracious - that's like 3 months spent doing nothing. A fourth of a year. No wonder I'm going insane. 3 months, that is, since I graduated. Slacking off is not as awesome as I thought it would be.

I mean, I knew it wouldn't be easy finding a job after graduation and 3 months is a drop in the bucket for a lot of people. So, count my blessings and all that. It's not so bad living at home. So instead of complaining about how none of the 50 or so applications I've thrown out have gotten a bite I'll just fill everyone in on the life and times of Erin (post graduation edition).

I never expected I would travel as much as I did. Already in 2012 I've been to Houston, vacationed twice in Tampa, took an impromptu weekend in the Smokies, and spent an amazing week in Honduras. I've already outlined most of my trip to El Progreso on Facebook (that's a hint to look at my damn photos. Or, you know, you could ask me about it yourself) but if you REALLY want to be awesome, check out the Students Helping Honduras website (and donate to my page!!). Met some really awesome kids, too. The most surreal thing, actually, is how much I learned to love Tampa when I was there as a visitor. I actually walked downtown and enjoyed the sites. Gasparilla was actually eventful. I actually got to see my friends and hang out with them! Man, I had been missing out.

I've also had a lot of time for introspection. Tonight, I'm cooking some fancy foodstuffs - chicken with garlic and caper sauce and cauliflower and broccoli casserole. Look at me being fancy! I've even thought about breaking out the sewing machine and trying my hand at that again. And, of course, in the meantime I've been applying for anything that catches me eye; jobs at national parks, jobs at zoos, internships - I'd really like to get involved with some research, but there's that childhood dream that is insistent on husbandry. I miss St. Louis a lot; I really wish I could just get my foot in the door in an animal program down there. In the mean time, I've done the one thing I vowed I would not - substitute teach in the meantime. Not that I'm against teaching but ah hell, I'm watching Trading Places right now and forgot about the scene where Dan Akroyd is in black face and now I've lost my train of thought. Anyway, also have been looking into the Illinois Department of Resources for volunteer stuffs.

That was a weird paragraph.

And hey! Been catching up on my reading list, too. I finally read the Hunger Games. At the risk of being burned alive, I have to say that it was great but not amazing. The writing style really took me out of the experience (granted, it's supposed to be a young adult novel) but honestly, for a book that was touted to be a great story of dystopian unrest I found the tributes very complacent with their fate. Too many awkward sentences about kissing and not enough dialogue between characters setting a stage for revolution. Thankfully, the plot was intriguing enough that these were only minor complaints. Could have used more exploding collars, maybe a tribute who won the games before but was competing again for fun, and a disgruntled gym teacher. I also realized that by and large most kids today are going to grow up without knowing or at least understanding Calvin and Hobbes.

Oh yeah, and I turned 25. Spent most of the day at a wedding so that was kind of a bust (for me, not for them. It was really a lovely wedding and reception). People forgetting my birthday aside, I went out that night with some old friends from high school, my brudda, and my cousins for some drinks and all was right with the world. Discovered that wearing high heels makes me a slave to men (according to the bar bathroom), and that there is a beer called a Flying Dog Double Dog with an 11.5% alcohol content. But no, really, if you forgot my birthday, I'm not bitter or anything. Really.

Did you make it through all of that boring catch up? Awesome. Anyway, the point is I guess I'm struggling to find a way to make every day count while literally, LITERALLY having nothing of real importance to do. I'm struggling to figure out what exactly my next moves are and figuring out why I'm so damn stressed because I feel like one wrong move will ruin my chances for - I don't know what. What am I trying to do again? Aside from checking my e-mail obsessively every 5 minutes (no lie) hoping for even an acknowledgement that someone has read an application, waiting for "real life" is agonizing. I'm 25 and I still feel like this can't be it. Words of advice are greatly appreciated. Job offers even more so.

Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success...flat stretches of boring routine...and valleys of frustration and failure.

Here's to hoping tomorrow will be fruitful!

Gone the Way of the Amity 3: A goodbye letter to Jaws.

I can't believe I forgot today (well, yesterday) was the 2nd of January already. Upon realization, I went into mourning as I remembered a place, an entity, I loved so dearly would be closing it's docks forever.

Jaws (the attraction at Universal Studios) is no more (unless you go to Japan). As unweildy as that sentence was, it's the truth.

Jaws was saved once in 2005 despite the cost of fueling the attraction. Not long after, I began the "theme park" era of my life, and Jaws played a small, but still significant, role in those memories. The times I had ridden as a guest on Captain Jake's boat tours as a child I had been somewhat scared of the shark; as I got older and especially as I became a local I grew to love its dated but endearing demeanor. Word must have gotten out about the fish episode or else Captain Jake and all the other businesses wouldn't be closing up shop. I'm sorry I wasn't there to say goodbye. Whenever I pretend to be in fake shock, I will remember Jaws fondly.

The funny thing about Jaws closing is that actually I've decided to completely, finally, put my theme park life behind me. Most of my friends have moved on -despite the ferverent promises of keeping in touch - and we've all sort of drifted apart. Things change, and that includes places where our realites and disbeliefs are suspended on a daily basis. It's fitting that I can mark this time in my life with such an occasion...even if it is a bit melodramatic (also appropriate). I can almost bookmark that part of my life with the resurrection and final death of a theme park attraction in which a fake shark is shot at multiple times with a grenade launcher. Give me awhile and see if I can work that into some kind of metaphor.

Of course I can't say much else on how it changed my life. I can't say that its closing has affected me the way other attractions closings have (Wonders of Life! NOOOOOO!), and I certainly can't speak for the Skippers who worked there. Most of the Skippers that had the pleasure of my captive attention were excellent, even if they were obvious veterans of the attraction, and for them I say thank you. For funsies I post the below video (made in honor of the re-opening of the attraction in 2005).
I know a lot of the Skippers, past and present, through good and bad, must be looking back on the time they spent there. Unless they didn't know it was closing, then they probably aren't. I mean, it didn't really make national headlines or anything. I digress. Thanks, Skippers, for being funny and putting energy into making the ride enjoyable for guests. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever comes next.

Sadly, Jaws closing also means there will be plenty of ladies who will never be proposed to by their deadbeat boyfriends stuck in the 1990s. The great thing is, though, that if you got the reference in the previous sentence then it's easy to understand the cultural impact of Jaws as an attraction. To say it was no longer relevent I believe is a total lie and I swear if some other Harry Potter attraction or whatever crap Dreamworks is spewing out ends up filling the void that is Amity, I will be so pissed.

I don't really know how to make this blog drop into gear and go anywhere, so I will close on my promised goodbye letter.

Dear Jaws,

When I first heard you were closing down for good I was angry. Then I was sad, and then reasoned that surely more time will be bought, just like for Back to the Future, for fans to say goodbye. Then I graduated and left Florida and kinda forgot and I know that makes me a really bad person and I apologize. Then I also forgot that today was the 2nd and I had this great plan to change my facebook to something fitting and...yeah, that fell through.
I will miss your cheesy wonderfulness, and your hokey yet hilarious queue video. I will always cringe in terror whenever I see a barrel full of water tipping precariously. I will still recite various quotes whenever I see fitting. I will rue the fact that I never got one of those Amity Swim Team t shirts because dammit I love things with details like that. Most of all, on cold, cold days in Illinois, I will fondly remember the warmth of hundreds of dollars of fuel burning my face. I will miss you, Jaws, and I pray your burnt, lacerated,corpse (I mean that in the most loving way possible) will find peace as a relic somewhere public so that others will reflect. Thanks for taking something so silly so seriously, and thanks for bringing me and my friends and family lots of joy. You have become a legend in your own time.

Calling off the Marines,

-Erin

Early Resolutions

Haha oh man, I totally wrote out this great blog and WHOOPS forgot I can't post to blogspot using Chrome (yeah, go figure). So that didn't get saved. Boy do I feel stupid.

What a fitting twist though with how . I guess this isn't really a full disclosure blog (as I'm trying to do here normally) but more of a pseudo-associative exercise in working out some thoughts. Just roll with me here.

In a nutshell, 2011 was a horrible, ridiculous, stupid year (yes, I recognize blaming a calender year as bad luck is silly, but it just seemed so perfectly planned against me). I faced my own mortality, let go of some important people, and wrestled with new facets of my depression while fritzing around with new medications (Super serious aside you guys, suicidal thoughts are nasty business - it's like a really persuasive voice in your head and you just keep seeing it or thinking about it over and over again so...ya know...if you have a friend that seems a bit down you should probably talk to them about it. It helps to get that nonsense out.). I was also a really grumpy bitch to people for absolutely no reason and I'm not proud of that and oh my god the crying. I dealt with some deep-seeded issues with bullying and felt the frustration of not being able to comfort family and friends during a tragedy. I learned the let down of a goal half a decade in the making first hand, and I realized that maybe the place I had been trying to make my home isn't where I belonged at all. I came to the horrifying realization that somewhere in the last year I lost the capacity to dream - to reach out for future goals and ambitions. Where did all my ambition go? Have I accomplished everything I'm going to? Is this a product of some mental disturbance or do I need to just suck it up and grow a backbone? I mean, I get it how whiny this post sounds. I hate incessent whining and I hate being a hypocrite but dammit this does not feel normal. Did all of this happen after the wreck, or was it slowly creeping beforehand? I don't even remember.

I was really hurt in ways I hadn't thought possible by two people I had loved and trusted, even if we weren't the best at keeping in contact. In reading a message today in which I was told I was no longer considered a friend for reasons that really don't even make sense to me, I felt sad. I boohoo'd and wondered the how-could-theys and what's-going-ons and the usual thought process in hearing that a long time best friend wanted nothing to do with you. I wanted to feel really bitter, and I still do a bit. But what good will that do? Maybe people don't want to associate with me for a reason (see super bitch grumpus). Where is the after-school learning experience in just throwing a pity party? How would thinking that people are only out there to hurt you solve anything? Is that what I'm going to believe, that people are just a bunch of selfish assholes?

Nope. Steeled my resolve to be obnoxiously optimistic yet annoyingly cynical in all the right ways instead.

In all fairness, 2011, the year of the Rabbit (it was supposed to be my year) wasn't ALL bad. Yeah I gained weight and relapses and all that personal nonsense but there was some amazing stuff too. I spent a week camping in one of the most beautiful, unique places on earth. I spent another week with family in a place that someday I might call home, even for a year or two. I graduated (finally), and that's pretty awesome. Also, ya know, Skyrim. My family and friends are, for the most part, happy and healthy and living out their own dreams. I have a roof over my head and clothes to wear and food to eat. I will probably never, ever suffer the way many people in this world will, and I recognize that. But man this year sucked (full disclosure: this post does not give full disclosure on wtf went on this year). Hell, I can even rationalize that all of the trials and tribulations over the year, caused by my own shortcomings or otherwise, was all a crash course in rectifying my emotional growth. Dude, becoming so sure that the world is out to get you - man, that is not cool. But letting a bad run of events get you down - not only is that not cool, but kinda lame. I'm lame.

So here's to 2012 and the rest of my life. Time to peace out 2011 and make all those resolutions: get more sleep, eat better, meditate more, grow a backbone and take more risks. Most importantly, keep believing that things will work out even if it means just believing that someday I'll actually believe it (does that even make sense?). And here's the thing - why wait for a few days for midnight? Why tell  myself that I'll start tomorrow? Nothing is stopping me from starting right this very second, and I'm ashamed to say nothing was stopping me in April, or in June, or November, or earlier today. I'm starting right now to undo all the damage this year has caused. Starting right. this. minute.

Ah, ah see what I did there? It started all like "oh bitchy bitch whine fest" and then ended up resolving to be awesome. But no, seriously. LET'S DO THIS!