So this is going to be a rant. Let's just say what it is; a rant about my pissy situation that I feel helpless against. Some of it is going to be vague. That's okay - I don't believe in vaguebooking but I'll sure as hell vagueblog all day long. Some of you clever folks may have actually pieced together what's going on, but only if you stalk my facebook. (As such, it may be up for a week or so since I'll probably get paranoid and take it down. Regardless, writing in a public "forum" is cathartic for me when I'm upset - in case you couldn't tell- so here goes).
I am a pariah in my own "house". This internship was supposed to be amazing. I was supposed to learn. I was supposed to make friends and have fun and do all the things I never had time to do in Tampa. None of that has happened. I took for granted the fact that every other thing I've done like this has been mostly positive experiences.
I don't know where it begins; I wasn't properly trained to do anything. Another intern, one who would leave in 3 weeks, was in charge of showing me the ropes. It was easier for her to say "I'll do it" rather than show me. I put up with it because I figured "hey, I'm an intern, they won't let me slip through the cracks. I'll learn this". Nope. And then I messed up. I don't have common sense nor do I apparently love animals as much as anyone else working there because then I wouldn't have made a mistake. I've owned up to my mistakes, and I've apologized for them. I've worked twice as hard.
The people I work with, a few volunteers and coworkers aside, haven't even tried to get to know me. Nobody, except for one person (one whom I get along with, in fact) has asked what is up with my hair. This is usually the first thing people ask. Really? You don't notice it getting shorter and more sparse? I'm sure you know birds pluck out their feathers when their living situation is stressful. Did you know humans do it, too? Oh, you didn't? That's because you'd rather talk about me when I'm not around rather than just ask me. Thanks. I really appreciate that.
When I enter a room, I'm just ignored. Just glided past, or tersely told "I'll do it". "I'll take care of it later". When I try to do something, I'm undermined. Not corrected, just flat out undermined - if the thing in question is even acknowledged in the first place. It's hostile. And the stupid thing? I like my coworkers. I like my boss. They're good people. I just don't understand what is going on. Our vibes don't mesh or somesuch.
I've never had trouble making friends. Seriously. Never. In school, even during the worst days, I had friends I could count on at least in some capacity. At Disney, I had my roommates, Caite, Tony, Nick, Pete, and everyone else in a matter of weeks. In St. Louis, Eli, Lindsey, Kristan, EB, and I started our own bowling/drinking club. We were awesome and I still love those guys (I had to miss Lindsey's wedding, in fact, yesterday!). Then I made even more friends instantly in St. Louis when I got a summer job at the zoo - Matt, Nicki, Tammi, Kim...hell...EVERYONE in the IN Room. In Tampa I had Georgetta, Danielle, Melissa, Lauren, Adam, Kara, Kaia, Jessica, Andrea, Rachel, etc etc. Even though they came around at different times, I still had at least one person I could hang out with at college. Hell, even in Honduras, when I was there for only a week, I met a ton of amazing people who I would consider to be my friends.
Here? Nobody has tried to be my friend. No one has said "hey Erin, you're new around here...let's go get a drink!" or "let's watch a movie!" and I realize I may be a hypocrite for never offering myself, but I've tried to start conversations and I just. get. shut. down. Every time.
So I've taken refuge in my room, counting down the days til I return to a place that doesn't make me miserable every single second of every single day. Tonight, I leave my room to find ant traps all around my door. Odd. There aren't any ants coming from under my door into the hallway, so what's going on? And I was told I needed to work on MY communication.
Here's the thing - at this point, yes, I'd rather be left alone. I would have quit by now, but I love my job, and quitting means one less person to help around the Sanctuary and with the birds. I don't quit. If they ask me to leave, on the other hand...I'll have my things out of here within a couple hours max. Besides, only four more weeks left.
I can't help but feel, and I know this is what losers say to console themselves, but it's true - that they are the ones missing out.
I'm awesome. I have my ups and downs, and I get really boring when I'm depressed, but if you extend just a little effort to make me feel welcome, a part of the group, even just smile at me once in awhile, you'd find that I'm funny. I'm personable. I'm smart and I can be witty. I like a lot of things, and I bet I like a lot of the things you also like. I'm a great listener and a hard worker. I literally do not hate anyone. I'm helpful to a fault. I am a great friend, and whenever I start to doubt this, I'm reminded that I am because in return I have amazing friends from every chapter of my life. I have had amazing adventures and will continue to do so because I am an incredible person. If you don't see that, or don't bother to, then why should I waste any of my energy and time trying to get you to come around? I also know how to choose my battles. I will continue to work hard and give my all, but any pretenses of learning and living from this internship have dissolved.
Again, the people I work with are truly wonderful, compassionate, capable people, and I don't resent them for not being my super BFFs. I would have appreciated the effort, though. The thing that irks me is when I'm flat out not told anything or even acknowledged as a human being. I deserve better. In a month I am gone. After I get home, I'm going to St. Louis. I'm going to have coffee at my favorite places, walk around Forest Park, and hang out with my best friend. I'm done with Florida. I believe in signs, and I believe this entire experience is one giant "DEAD END" sign being shoved into my face. Don't stay here, turn around, go the other way. This is not where you belong.
Message received loud and clear. I was worried that I was broken - that whatever knack I have with people was gone. But then I've gotten into contact with people I haven't spoken to in months, maybe longer, and I realize that no, it's not gone. Whomever I'm speaking with....we always pick up right where we left off. So I don't need to worry - wherever I go next (whether it's the Peace Corps, or grad school, or another temporary job) I know I'll meet like-minded individuals who are just as exceptionally amazing as I am. That's what I'm looking forward to. That's what keeps me motivated and optimistic even though this feels like the longest month of my entire life.
