Newtown, CT. I need to get this out.

I just...I don't know how to comprehend this tragedy in Connecticut  I mean, children. Children just slaughtered and gunned down and I don't understand why someone could do this. I want to cry and crawl back into bed because I don't know what else to do.

I mean, this Onion article basically sums me up right now. Just. Fuck. Everything.

But at the same time, it makes me want to be a better person and lead my example and fix this.

Schools shouldn't have to be fortresses, my dad, who was a district superintendent for 15 years, said.

He is absolutely correct. Giving guns to teachers? Armed guards? No. Nonononononono.

I went to Honduras. I saw armed guards everywhere in this third world country. I saw gates around schools (if the school was even fortunate enough to have a roof, much less walls). We should be better than that. Every child deserves to be safe, and every child, especially in a nation that believes itself to be the best in the world, should be able to have a childhood in a child-friendly school. And as much as it broke my heart to see these circumstances in Honduras, it pains me just as much that this is where we are as an industrialized "world leader".

When I went to elementary school, the doors were left open in the warmer months to let air circulate. My best friend's dog once got out of their yard and came running into the school and into the halls. It was pretty funny.

Now, all the doors are locked and you have to speak to someone in the office outside of the building via camera or intercom just to get in to the building.

The answer can't be to arm teachers, or faculty, or students or get rid of gun-free zones. That is a stupid fucking idea. It's the prelude to an arms race for fear and paranoia and safety and we are better than that, I cannot stress that enough.

I don't want to politicize the day, but dammit Cracked, your arguments are compelling  The Second Amendment didn't account for guns that destroy entire communities in a blink of an eye. The Constitution is meant to be changed. Framers. Our fore-fathers were known as the Framers because they were merely framing things out for us to change at a later date should we feel it necessary. Justice Scalia is wrong; the Constitution is more like a living organism than a legal document - but, in which 46% of Americans would deny, that means you'd have to admit that it evolves. The Constitution evolves as the America evolves as a nation and society. Why is this a hard thing to understand? Is your gun collection really worth it? To see shit like this happen?  Oh, here's another article about it; EVERY DAY is the day to talk about gun control and gun safety. (If you read only one link I posted, please read that last one).

But. Then again. Today in China, a man knifed 22 children. I don't know what to make of that either, and maybe regulations aren't the answer (and yes I know China isn't our concern but holy shit these were just babies, too!) but I don't know how else to concentrate my rage.

Someone on twitter pointed out "if only access to mental healthcare was as available as firearms".
My brother pointed out the problems stemming from angry young men. Why, as a society, can we not recognize and lift these people up to the help they need? I'm not talking about "red flags". I'm talking about retooling our society to encourage seeking help, encourage constructive behavior instead of frustration, apathy, and anger.

I. Don't. Understand.

Why are the ONLY websites that are making sense and not just blasting images of children in our faces the comedy websites? Why are we okay with feeling awful and fucked up about it now while at the same time we just accept that it's going to happen again? Why do we put the responsibility of contingency in every horrible situation on the would-be victims?

Right before the Holidays, too. I mean, it's not okay ANY time of the year, but these kids, these babies, they had so much ahead of them and they had hopes and dreams and Christmas lists and probably wanted to see the Hobbit and for God's sake I don't know how to stop thinking about it, and part of me doesn't want to stop thinking about it because it means I've stopped thinking about these children who were robbed of their lives.

The adults killed, people trying to keep their students safe - it's so senseless. These are the people that should be revered in our society. They shouldn't have to be human shields for when shit like this goes down. God bless those people. God bless teachers and school staff everywhere.

And this family, the shooter, killing his mother....I don't....I'm at a loss for words. And I hate him for killing himself before he could give us answers and at least tell us wtf made him do something so unspeakable. Draw us a fucking timeline.

My mouth is so dry. I just can't even....and this year has been crazy violent. So much madness. It's sick. But how do we stop these things? How do we keep things pure and FREE without locking down schools and homes and living in a world where kids can never leave their mother's side?

I just want to scream as loud as I possibly can.

Adventures in the North Georgia Mountains

My first excursion to Springer Mountain (southern terminus of the Appalachian Trail) nearly ended in disaster.

Well...that's a bit of an exaggeration. I was 85% sure everything was going to be fine, but the remaining 15% was disaster. Like, all out survival mode. 

Brudda and I got up late this morning to go hiking. We drove down to Georgia for the weekend and today was to be our last day of outdoor fun. After hiking up Springer mountain, running into some South-Bounders (all the way from Maine!) enjoying their victory along the way, and then heading down the Benton Mackeye trail to loop around back to the parking lot....well...that's when things got tricky. 

After a frustrating, never ending descent towards a road we were starting to believe didn't exist, I ended up turning my ankle just after we made the decision to hike the rest of the 1.5 miles on the other side of the road we finally found. 

Brudda was getting pretty worn out (we hadn't been out hiking in a long time) and my near boundless energy was the only thing that kept me from falling over in pain as my ankle started to swell. Brudda sent me on ahead with his car keys because the sun was beginning to set. I had hoped we would make it back to the car before then. 

I was starting to get nervous as I walked ahead (I have a naturally fast gait) - I like to have contingency plans and when I come up with one it usually takes over. Just a bit. 

"Okay I still haven't met the parking lot...well I guess I could find where the AT meets back up with the BMT and wait for Brudda there and then head back together since it'll be dark out by then....but maybe I'm LOST. And I don't know where I am and Brudda has the map. Oh, here's the AT sign...I must have to go this way...wait why am I still walking? I'm lost. I'm DEFINITELY lost. Okay. If I stay on the trail I'll be good - I can even stay here all night and at daybreak I can find my way to the road. I have my sweatshirt and some food and water. But what about Brudda? What if he comes looking for me? What if something happened to him? WHAT IF AN ARMY OF BEARS HAVE AMBUSHED HIM?"

Then I came to the road. 

"Well, I'm on a road now. Better go right, I bet the parking lot is like right there. Wait, where is it? Shit, the sun is setting. It's dark out now. I better run."

I ran about a mile down this gravel mountain road in the backwoods of the North Georgia mountains before I figured out I should have taken a left. I then walked as fast as I could back up the road UPHILL and went about .5 mile from where I met the road originally to the -  finally - parking lot.

"Well shit. It's dark out. Really dark. Brudda has his headlamp but...I know! I better take the car and drive it to where I met the road. Then I'll backtrack with the spare water (that was in the car) and find him and walk out with him."

I was getting really upset at this point. I've never hiked in the dark alone, let alone in an unfamiliar area filled with large territorial animals and lots of things to fall on or off of. Overreacting? Yeah probably. But better to be worried and serious than be found lying in a ditch the next morning, I've never said but should probably say because it's good common sense dammit. 

So there I am, about hysterical enough to drive the car off the side of the mountain (nt rly). At this point it is pitch black out, my ankle really hurts (but I could still run on it, so not horribly hurt). I was able to use my phone as a flashlight but the battery was dying.

"Brudda's probably got two broken legs and a raccoon gnawing on him as he lies helplessly in the stream (I get E.T. mixed up with reality a lot.). I must get to him!"

So I run. And I call for him. Five times. The fifth time, as I'm near tears and have already passed the AT/BMT intersection (where I notice a suspicious 4th path that one could take)...

"WHAAAT?"

Well then I calmed the fuck down. Sure enough, Brudda was nearing the last incline, using his trusty headlamp like a champ. And I felt like an idiot. I can't even convey the frantic panic I felt (but I kept my head and I guess if there was a real emergency then I probably did the right things...so there's that I guess.)

I ran to him and hugged him and spewed out an incomprehensible "IGOTLOSTANDTOOKTHEWRONGTRAILANDIGOTLOSTANDWENTTHEWRONGWAYANDIWASSCAREDBECAUSEITWASDARKANDIDIDN'TKNOWWHEREYOUWEREANDWESHOULDUSETHEBUDDYSYSTEMBECAUSEIT'SSODARKANDTHEREMIGHTBEBEARSORCOUGARSMAYBEORSERIALKILLERS"

Welp. So the rest of the story is I hike with him a ways, we discover I hiked at least an extra mile more than I need to, and I go get the car and bring it back to the parking lot. Everyone was found and we kicked that trails ass. 

Also I found a lot of milky quartz. 

I'm Gonna Write It!: A Wreck-It Ralph Review

HOORAY FOR ALLITERATION! (Also, thar be spoilers!)

And true to my word, here is my immediate review of Disney's Wreck-It Ralph.

OMGSOGREAT

I love video games. If you don't know me, let's get that out of the way. If you DO know me then I shouldn't have even had to mention that I love video games. Some of my earliest memories in life involve video games; I remember watching my brothers play some weird biblical game in which Joseph had to keep jumping over waterfalls (for some reason). I remember getting home from church and wanting to play Road Rash on the Genesis (ya rly....you make your own conclusions there). I don't remember birthday parties much, but I sure as hell remember when my oldest brother beat Sonic 2. I loved Goldeneye multiplayer and I mastered Soul Calibur. Some of my best memories from when I was in high school involved escaping to Vvardenfell or Hyrule.

Wreck-It Ralph is a movie for everyone, but I honestly believe it is lovingly crafted for people like my brothers and I - not just an homage here or a convenient joke there, but a love letter to the culture and icons that have become a part of our own identities in a way. Not just the volume of games and characters mentioned (I need to watch again to see what all I can pick out) but little things that a gamer can notice and identify with.

For instance, the self-aware fact that one needs a magical hammer (given by one's father) to actually repair the damage done as no contractor could do the same job in the same time given the accumulated destruction. Ryu and Ken from Street Fighter going to grab a couple brews after a hard day of beating the bejesus out of one another, and the exclamation point from Metal Gear Solid in the lost and found box. The not-so-subtle nod that "hey, remember that Q*bert exists?". King Candy's use of the infamous Konami Code to open the code vault. The "Sonic Sez" segment in Central Station (a personal favorite, although they went with, to my chagrin, "skinny" Sonic as opposed to his stouter original design). Quite possibly the greatest; the part where the race starts in Sugar Rush and the last racer skids in place trying to accelerate - we've all been there trying to time the boost juuuust right in Mario Kart  and missing it only to be the last to start the race.

By the way, WTF kind of name is "Rancis", anyway?

While I can see how many people could quickly tire of the Sugar Rush segments (with its Candyland-esque setting and saccharine puns) but honestly...I could see Sugar Rush as being the kind of game I'd be (or would have been at some point) all about, what with it's Jpop fusion. I think Sugar Rush would have worked better had it incorporated something like random robots or dinosaurs (ultra-kawaii, of course) roaming around to fit the over-the-top yet edgy cuteness that is so pervasive in every nook and cranny of the land.

Also..."assorted fans!....with nuts!" Why was that so funny? I have no idea. But I was dying in the theater.

As for the precocious and somewhat tragic character of Vannelope...I'm not going to lie. She was on screen for like 15 minutes and I was already weighing on what I would need to do for my next Halloween costume (the hoodie and the skirt would be pretty easy...I'd just need the boots, leggings, and wig complete with candy barrettes). Eeeyup.

While the plot could be seen as somewhat predictable (or as some would probably perceive it, unoriginal or lame)I think the beauty lies in the simplicity. It gives the spotlight to fleshing out the characters themselves; does programming make the character? Although similar in concept with Toy Story, I believe the similarities are fundamentally necessary to tell a story like this - what happens when the arcade closes? Why can't a villain be the hero for once?

As my brother pointed out, whoever was in charge of casting certainly deserved their paycheck. Every character was spot-on and even the peripheral characters were taken care of. Mindy Kaling as the bitchy Taffyta was a fitting stroke of genius, for instance. And seriously? Nobody could have brought Ralph to life like John C. Reilly. The actors cast weren't just cast because of their status in Hollywood like other hackney'd productions tend to do. In fact, the only semi- surprise was Jane Lynch as the no-nonsense Sgt. Calhoun - a rough and tumble action hero on par with Samus Aran who leads a team of commandos a la Halo meets Call of Duty. In hindsight, Lynch was the perfect choice, actually. While I found Jack McBrayer essentially reprising his role as Kenneth the page from 30 Rock in his channeling of Felix, Jr. (of Fix-It Felix, Jr. fame) I did find his mannerisms and voice on par with what one would expect from a humble contractor-with-a-magical-hammer. Aaaand then there's Sarah Silverman. I will never have a bad thing to say about Silverman. She can pull off anything - everyone knows she can get away with saying some of the most unbelievably tasteless things simply because she is some kind of magical witch comedienne (or maybe it's because she also has fooled the world into believing she is perpetually 10 years old, a skill that works brilliantly in her favor as Vannelope). She can do obnoxious and insufferable and still be endearing. Brava, Silverman.

The movie does have its flaws, and I have to say that because I can't be the Peter Travers of my own blog and say that every movie I write about is the best movie I've ever seen in my entire life (that's not fair to the Muppets and the Avengers). I'd love to see what a sequel could bring.

At the end of the day, though, I stick with my assessment that Wreck-It Ralph was made with a lot of love for gamers by gamers (or by people who did a toooon of research). Even if you have never played a game in your life, never fed a quarter to an arcade machine, or even know the finer points of Nintendo v. Sega (not that it matters now, anyway) the movie offers a lot on what it means to be left out without feeling like an after school special. Oh, and in case you forgot, the Konami Code is Up, Up, Down, Down, Left ,Right, Left, Right, B, A, START. 


P.S. Paperman, the short that was shown before the feature....so cute. I'm in love. 

P.P.S. Know what else was a good movie? Argo. Go see that one, too. Seriously. 

It's Your Loss Because I AM AWESOME

So this is going to be a rant. Let's just say what it is; a rant about my pissy situation that I feel helpless against. Some of it is going to be vague. That's okay - I don't believe in vaguebooking but I'll sure as hell vagueblog all day long. Some of you clever folks may have actually pieced together what's going on, but only if you stalk my facebook. (As such, it may be up for a week or so since I'll probably get paranoid and take it down. Regardless, writing in a public "forum" is cathartic for me when I'm upset - in case you couldn't tell- so here goes).

I am a pariah in my own "house". This internship was supposed to be amazing. I was supposed to learn. I was supposed to make friends and have fun and do all the things I never had time to do in Tampa. None of that has happened. I took for granted the fact that every other thing I've done like this has been mostly positive experiences.

I don't know where it begins; I wasn't properly trained to do anything. Another intern, one who would leave in 3 weeks, was in charge of showing me the ropes. It was easier for her to say "I'll do it" rather than show me. I put up with it because I figured "hey, I'm an intern, they won't let me slip through the cracks. I'll learn this". Nope. And then I messed up. I don't have common sense nor do I apparently love animals as much as anyone else working there because then I wouldn't have made a mistake. I've owned up to my mistakes, and I've apologized for them. I've worked twice as hard.

The people I work with, a few volunteers and coworkers aside, haven't even tried to get to know me. Nobody, except for one person (one whom I get along with, in fact) has asked what is up with my hair. This is usually the first thing people ask. Really? You don't notice it getting shorter and more sparse? I'm sure you know birds pluck out their feathers when their living situation is stressful. Did you know humans do it, too? Oh, you didn't? That's because you'd rather talk about me when I'm not around rather than just ask me. Thanks. I really appreciate that.

When I enter a room, I'm just ignored. Just glided past, or tersely told "I'll do it". "I'll take care of it later". When I try to do something, I'm undermined. Not corrected, just flat out undermined - if the thing in question is even acknowledged in the first place. It's hostile. And the stupid thing? I like my coworkers. I like my boss. They're good people. I just don't understand what is going on. Our vibes don't mesh or somesuch.

I've never had trouble making friends. Seriously. Never. In school, even during the worst days, I had friends I could count on at least in some capacity. At Disney, I had my roommates, Caite, Tony, Nick, Pete, and everyone else in a matter of weeks. In St. Louis, Eli, Lindsey, Kristan, EB, and I started our own bowling/drinking club. We were awesome and I still love those guys (I had to miss Lindsey's wedding, in fact, yesterday!). Then I made even more friends instantly in St. Louis when I got a summer job at the zoo - Matt, Nicki, Tammi, Kim...hell...EVERYONE in the IN Room. In Tampa I had Georgetta, Danielle, Melissa, Lauren, Adam, Kara, Kaia, Jessica, Andrea, Rachel, etc etc. Even though they came around at different times, I still had at least one person I could hang out with at college. Hell, even in Honduras, when I was there for only a week, I met a ton of amazing people who I would consider to be my friends.

Here? Nobody has tried to be my friend. No one has said "hey Erin, you're new around here...let's go get a drink!" or "let's watch a movie!" and I realize I may be a hypocrite for never offering myself, but I've tried to start conversations and I just. get. shut. down. Every time.

So I've taken refuge in my room, counting down the days til I return to a place that doesn't make me miserable every single second of every single day. Tonight, I leave my room to find ant traps all around my door. Odd. There aren't any ants coming from under my door into the hallway, so what's going on? And I was told I needed to work on MY communication.

Here's the thing - at this point, yes, I'd rather be left alone. I would have quit by now, but I love my job, and quitting means one less person to help around the Sanctuary and with the birds. I don't quit. If they ask me to leave, on the other hand...I'll have my things out of here within a couple hours max. Besides, only four more weeks left.

I can't help but feel, and I know this is what losers say to console themselves, but it's true - that they are the ones missing out.

I'm awesome. I have my ups and downs, and I get really boring when I'm depressed, but if you extend just a little effort to make me feel welcome, a part of the group, even just smile at me once in awhile, you'd find that I'm funny. I'm personable. I'm smart and I can be witty. I like a lot of things, and I bet I like a lot of the things you also like. I'm a great listener and a hard worker. I literally do not hate anyone. I'm helpful to a fault. I am a great friend, and whenever I start to doubt this, I'm reminded that I am because in return I have amazing friends from every chapter of my life. I have had amazing adventures and will continue to do so because I am  an incredible person. If you don't see that, or don't bother to, then why should I waste any of my energy and time trying to get you to come around? I also know how to choose my battles. I will continue to work hard and give my all, but any pretenses of learning and living from this internship have dissolved.

Again, the people I work with are truly wonderful, compassionate, capable people, and I don't resent them for not being my super BFFs. I would have appreciated the effort, though. The thing that irks me is when I'm flat out not told anything or even acknowledged as a human being. I deserve better. In a month I am gone. After I get home, I'm going to St. Louis. I'm going to have coffee at my favorite places, walk around Forest Park, and hang out with my best friend. I'm done with Florida. I believe in signs, and I believe this entire experience is one giant "DEAD END" sign being shoved into my face. Don't stay here, turn around, go the other way. This is not where you belong.

Message received loud and clear. I was worried that I was broken - that whatever knack I have with people was gone. But then I've gotten into contact with people I haven't spoken to in months, maybe longer, and I realize that no, it's not gone. Whomever I'm speaking with....we always pick up right where we left off. So I don't need to worry - wherever I go next (whether it's the Peace Corps, or grad school, or another temporary job) I know I'll meet like-minded individuals who are just as exceptionally amazing as I am. That's what I'm looking forward to. That's what keeps me motivated and optimistic even though this feels like the longest month of my entire life.

Go West, Young Lady, Go West

Uh...so I'm thinking about going west. I'm not sure if I've made that clear or not.

I've really overstayed my welcome with Florida....and although I like where I am, I like where I'm working, and I like the people I've met in the Keys...it still feels off. I'm not functioning correctly. Some things just aren't meshing the way they should. Then again, I've also had a history of bad luck (and relapses, come to think of it) with the Keys in the first place. Hmm.

I can't help but feel it's time for a change of scenery and climate.

Know what else is west of here? St. Louis. There's this part of me that keeps reminding me, like my own personal Navi, that Heeeey Lissssstteeeeeeen remember when you lived in St. Louis and it was freaking awesome and you loved every minute of it? Remember how much you loved walking around Forest Park? Remember how it was so damn easy to make friends there? I do remember. And honestly, I think I would be just as happy if I moved back (although my best friend is moving away from the City! boooo) - unlike with Disney, St. Louis happiness isn't situational. I feel good whenever I visit. I feel at home. I walk around the zoo and meet up with old friends and actually make plans to hang out because that's what friends do. I don't feel hollow whenever I visit Disney or Tampa - like a time traveler who suddenly wound up in the future and there's no place for them anymore. Finding an ecology job in the city would be a real task, though.    I'm not sure I want to do keeping anymore. I mean, I think I would love it, but I also think that if I stick with science and conservation I need to be in the field.

....Which brings me back to the West. Like west West. Like West Coast...although Colorado and Wyoming don't sound so bad, either. But then there's Yosemite, which I instantly fell in love with....and of course it all comes back to employment. It seems NPS jobs are few and far between right now, and few places are hiring research techs. I've bookmarked some natural history museums so I can check their job pages periodically but nothing has turned up yet.

And then there's the issue with Linkedin because I don't even have a professional enough picture to use and I'm kind of scared to network (I'm really bad at it) because I'm afraid people won't remember me or some other irrational fear.

Oh yeah I need to finish my Peace Corps application. I think JET might be out of the picture now - I just don't have the heart to apply like I once did.

So yeah, West. I'm going to send all my positive vibes out that something turns up because at this point that's all I can do.

To offset any unnecessary bitching in this post:

• My friends are freaking amazing. I was thinking about this today - I have 359 friends on facebook and the only reason I can't pare it down more is that every single person, at any given moment, has the possibility that they post something I like or that sparks a conversation or vice versa. I don't collect friends - I keep in touch with them, even if it's something as mundane as a "like". Caring about that many people reminds me how blessed I am to have traveled and met so many wonderful people. 
• I had a dream about Drosophila (fruit flies) last night. Genetics still haunts my dreams, apparently. 
• George the cat is adorable but he drives me crazy what with his escaping shenanigans and his tendency to paw and cry at my door (to be let into my room) at like 3:00 am every night. 
• I made friends with a baby raccoon. 
• I think a Wes Anderson marathon may be in my immediate future
• I'm thinking of joining that there twitter machine...even though I LITERALLY have no idea how it works. (I get the concept, the website confuses me)
• Being really absent minded means I'm a genius, right? 

My Only Marketable Skill is to Occupy Space

If you're cool, you know that the title of this blog is a Futurama quote (and one of my favorite ones to use in self-deprecating humor). If you're not cool, and you didn't know that, now you do.

Don't worry, this blog isn't going to be about how I'm not good at anything. You all know that (haha!). No, this post is just gonna be about where I'm going from here.

I have no friggin clue.

Mere hours ago I submitted my final draft shark manuscript to the International Journal of Comparative Psychology for a special issue on animal behavior in zoos and aquariums. IF they decide to publish it then I can officially start my CV (I mean, I could now, but where's the fun in that?). Still doesn't mean a whole lot if I don't have a job, though.

And I don't just want "a job". I don't want to start a career that I'm half excited about. I want a career that becomes a lifestyle - that makes me think I'm the luckiest person in the world because I get to do that everyday. More and more I find myself questioning what, exactly, that dream job is.

Wildlife photography still looks pretty glamorous even though I'm in no way qualified for it. Research....research and I are in a rocky relationship right now. Something happened in college that...well, for lack of a better term, made me fall out of love with science.

I love natural history. I love the idea of going to a place where few have gone before and just observing my surroundings; discovering things that can't,or shouldn't have to be, quantified with a million different statistical tests. I like the idea that Adventurer or Explorer could be put on a resume or business card. I don't think those jobs exist, however...at least not now. I know, I could be super ambitious and find a way to do these things that involve struggling to keep things together just to fulfill a mockery of a dream - but it would be just that; a random assortment of temporary jobs and means to pay bills in order to possibly do something I find fun - learning for curiosity's sake.

I don't want that. I want consistency. I don't want to have to struggle for my passion because for all the things I romanticize I am practical about how hard one should have to work when there could be a better way of doing so.

Example: I could join the Peace Corps, and then do the Jet Program. Both are things I've wanted to do, both would be extremely fulfilling in their own right, both would allow me to see the world. Both also mean I would be barely scraping by, and both assuredly mean I would spend a few more years having to make new friends, leave them, not be in one place long enough or in the right environment to settle down and start a life of my own. Even if I could become a Professional Adventurer, that means I would have to sacrifice routine. I need a little bit of routine.

The past six years, I haven't stayed in one place consecutively for more than 11 months. People come and go, my schedule changes, my circumstances change, my environment itself changes. And in many ways I love this; I love being filled with wanderlust. I believe...I KNOW I'm living an amazing life. But at the same time I have my own ideas about what it means to finally grow up - and having a place of my own to call home is one of those things.

Part of me wonders if, subconsciously, I'm just stalling.

But I still love nature; I love animals, I love the Earth, I love learning new things and new skills and experiencing different ways of life. I love the idea that what I'm doing with my life at any given moment is making the world better - I need to pursue a career in something that matters. That makes a difference. Because otherwise, what's the point? Conservation will always be a part of my life.

If I could get a job where, like, someone said "hey, Erin, we know absolutely nothing about this ecosystem in this remote location....we need you to go out there and observe. Just sit there and figure it out. How everything interacts, why they interact like that. Do that and we'll pay you so you can buy groceries and pay bills and whatnot." That would be great.

I want to make it clear, boys and girls, that I'm not turned off by science because of icky statistics. No, I'm turned off by the idea that before you do the fun stuff, you not only have to form your hypothesis but also model how you're going to study something. I understand the Scientific Method. I understand the reasons behind controlling variables and bias. I just think that personally I would much prefer to discover something, observe it, and draw my studies on it based around it - not making one facet of said observation fit neatly into my structured study. I feel that way of doing science has become antiquated (for many good reasons, actually). I'm not turned off by the fact that it's hard work and sometimes the work sucks but it's worth it in the end - no, actually, I love a good challenge - I guess I can't put into words what exactly has disillusioned me.

Maybe it'll come back to me, though, if the right job, the right grad program, the right whatever, comes to me. I need to keep my eyes peeled. I've been checking various natural history museums for openings in this and that - seems as good a place as any to start.

So....what is it I'm trying to say? What's the point that I'm making? That I don't know what I want to do with my life? That I don't even know where I belong, or what should come next? That maybe sometimes all I want is to meet Tom Hiddleston a nice boy and settle down before I turn 40 and realize my interpersonal relationships suck because I can't stay in one spot for X amount of months? Yeah I guess...but also maybe I need to push myself a little harder, try everything that I can, to get to the place I need to be.

Or maybe, I need to figure out how to live in this moment, to stop planning ahead and planning my next step because I'll only wind up going somewhere and leaving as I plan beyond that. Let pieces fall where they may, let things come to me. I need to make my mind stop over-thinking. I don't know how. I don't know how to enjoy right now. Instead, I plan ahead and envision tons of different scenarios and timelines and lifestyles and things to come - I indulge in escapism, and end up disappointed.

Life is weird, you guys.


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Bonus! Proof that this is not a self-deprecating post: I made a list of things that I'm good at and that I like about me:

I dream big.

I type fast.

I’m empathetic and compassionate.

I’m very good at pop culture and trivia.

I love to sing, even when I sing badly

I like almost everything and am easy to get along with

I’ve learned that I can always try again tomorrow.

I learn from my mistakes.

I have a cute nose.

My eyes are beautiful.

I am loveable.

I am funny.

I have a good incidental memory when it comes to conversations.

I love to love.
I am a good hugger.
My toes are not gross looking. 
I am good at portmanteaus. 
Cats like me.
I do not get hangovers from beer
I will never spend more than $15 for a t-shirt (I'm looking at you, Gwyneth Paltrow!)
I would probably make a good actress because I can memorize lines and I make funny faces and if I try really hard I can make myself cry on cue. At least community theater. (I'm kidding, you guys. Anyone can do community theater...kidding again!) 
I recognize humorous context is hard to convey in a written format. 
I can wiggle my ears.

Insight into a Relapse.

So for those of you just now joining us from home: I pull my own hair out. It's pretty much my biggest problem in life. Which, really, doesn't sound too bad. I mean, I'm well aware of how blessed I am, that I could have things so much worse.

But I am human. I am narcissistic, and although I love that my life is unique and extraordinary in many ways, I still want some things to just be normal.

That's why it endlessly frustrates me that after I graduated, I fell into a several month long relapse. It's bad. It's not been this bad since jr. high. I thought after I graduated, I'd be okay. Maybe I'd get as close to completely better as I possibly can. Fate tends to troll me whenever I have absolute hope like that, though. LOLOLOLOL NO! Turns out wasting away with nothing to do while feeling like my life and my youth are passing before my eyes is a major stressor. Who knew, right?

Now, before I continue, I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party here. I just need to get this out, write it down, and maybe, if anyone reads this, get them to understand a little bit more about me. Even if I do get into pity territory, it's my blog and SHUT UP THOR! I DO WHAT I WANT!

The odd thing about relapsing is how EVERYTHING changes. Not just in me - people treat me differently. I used to wonder if it was because I wasn't appearing as confident as before, but no, there's definitely a change in other people's actions towards me. People are colder, more offput than usual (I believe I have a pretty offputting personality as it is), close me out more. Small talk is already hard for me, and it's even harder to make when I look and feel like a weirdo Sometimes it feels like "maybe if we just ignore the patchy bald girl, she'll go away". It hurts. When my hair looks cute, people interact with me more. They try to get to know me, and their first impressions are usually more positive. Human behavioral evolution sure is strange. Hair has been, in many cultures for thousands of years, a sign of healthiness, after all.

The worst is when you know people are staring, or wondering, but they just don't out and out ask the question. Really, you think I would prefer you wondering (and not hiding it well) and imagine you thinking horrible things rather than just asking me? I've always worn my heart, and my brain, on my sleeves. I'll tell you exactly what I'm thinking - if you ask the right questions.

The sad thing about hair, and trichotillomania, is that supposedly once you rip out the roots too many times, the hair follicle will never grow back. That's been a constant fear of mine for over a decade, and ironically also another stressor. This time I'm afraid it's happened. After my relapse let up, I did my usual damage control routine - lots of green tea, lots of water, lots of exercise, lots of soy, lots of biotin and multivitamins. It doesn't seem to be working, My hair just isn't growing.

I don't understand.

I had to euthanize a bird today

It had Avian pox and a large grape sized abscess on its wing. 

When I was in high school, I worked for a veterinarian. I loved that job; cleaning out the cages, walking the dogs, playing with the cats, helping with small tasks around the hospital. One day, I came in to work in the morning, switched on the light, and found that a dog had passed away during the night - from Parvo. Parvo is extremely contagious and extremely deadly for dogs. Sanitizing its cage was heartbreaking and I remember crying while I did it. Worse still, though, was euthanasia - I mean, it was necessary in every case, and I never partook in those appointments. Doc is great and treats the occasion, every time, with the dignity that pet deserves. It doesn't make it any easier, though, and a few years later when I went to Doc to put down my childhood cat, a black ball of fluff named Wisper, it was one of the saddest things I've ever experienced. Wisper had been clinging to life as it was, only 10 years old (not young but not terribly old for a cat) due to malignant tumors and necrosis on her side that would not heal. Even though I knew it was for the best, that making her linger until she passed on her own was cruel, I vowed I wouldn't make a good Vet because its just too much to deal with.

I'm an empathetic person. I know my limits emotionally, and especially as an introvert I know when to pay attention to certain red flags that scream "caution! I extremely emotional situation ahead!". I know I would never get desensitized to it. No, and that's what stopped me from pursuing being a veterinarian. 

On the other hand, as an ecologist (yes, I consider myself one...biologist is too vague), I understand the natural cycle of life. It doesn't faze me to see a lioness take down a gazelle or what have you. I understand that every species of animal, aside from humans, inherently struggle with survival every single second of every single day. 

Maybe that's why I didn't cry. This was a wild animal that had the unfortunate fate of catching a serious disease -even if it recovered, it would still be a carrier and could infect hundreds of other birds over a course of a few years. But it still tore at me a bit, doing it myself (I was on call tonight). I'm not terribly sad, but I don't think I'll forget it. 

I'll enjoy the rest of my evening with a cat curled up at my side (his name is George), some milk and poptarts (smore's, although I usually prefer cinnamon and brown sugar), and a movie (Lilo and Stitch). 

Sorrow, Fear, and Batman.

Note: I didn't really organize my thoughts here. I just can't seem to make my mind make sense today and focus, so I apologize if none of this makes sense or seems to be composed weird.

Many of you know that at the midnight premier of the Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, Colorado, a gunman entered through the emergency exit of the theater and opened fire. 12 people were killed and many others injured.

 Immediately after the events came to light I saw an outpouring of grief, fear, love, and even a little hope. After all, such a tragedy could happen to anyone, anywhere, and maybe a little bit of our perceived safety net was taken away. However, following tumblr, pinterest, facebook, reddit, and other major internet strongholds I realized something - people were coming together in the spirit of Batman. Some were using his anti-gun stance as a call for stricter gun control, others were posting ribbons with the famous Bat signal emblem on them, but many were talking it out about how the tragedy affected them personally. I don't necessarily mean personally as in they were there or had loved ones involved - but they may as well have. Who can't empathize with victims who were excited to view a long awaited film, a time of great anticipation and joy and almost serenity. This is a tragedy that tugs the heart strings of every film lover, every fan of any kind, every human being simply because of the senselessness of the action. My brother, Andrew, wrote a very eloquent post about that aspect - what the movie-going experience means to him (and many others) and how that magic being turned into the unimaginable is something that strikes us all. I watched on tv last night Anderson Cooper interviewing some of the people who were in the theater as well as some family members of the victims. It was important to all of them that the victims should be remembered and not the man who killed them (whose name I won't mention here as well). Anything less is inappropriate. It is also inappropriate to ignore the people who helped one another out in the midst of the chaos - One man even took a bullet for his girlfriend. That is Level Batman bravery and badass-ery.

Personally, I'm heartbroken for the victims and their families but I don't fear public spaces any moreso. When I was blossoming into a teenager I had a lot of irrational anxieties - one time, while on vacation with the family, we saw the Phantom Menace in theaters. For some reason I was really scared that the theater was going to blow up. I thought about that yesterday. Although that fear doesn't seem so irrational given the circumstances, I've come to terms with something since. There will always be risks. There will always be danger, and we will never be certain if we're completely safe or not - no matter how many metal detectors or measures we take. There will always be psychos out there who plan on hurting people. I'm not saying this to be some kind of depressing realist, but because it means we have to balance our fear with rationality. Statistical probability versus situational empathy.We can't cower behind extensive security measures because in doing so we give up a little of our freedom; to privacy, to live as we please, to live confidently with the knowledge that yes, something bad might happen, but that shouldn't stop us from living and loving.

 There's an odd but fitting parallel in this tragedy. Like Anderson Cooper, I don't want to dwell on the crazy guy who did this...but I find it strange that this man would make his point, or take his mental break-down out, or whatever, during a Batman film. It's terrifying to think that he planned such an opportune moment to open fire and instill such chaos and fear in a packed theater on a night that was much awaited. Today people are afraid. I've seen several people post how uneasy they are in public spaces, how we need more gun control, less gun control, how nowhere is safe anywhere. This is where the parallel comes in, but first I want to speak my mind on Batman himself.

 I'm just going to go right out and say it; I don't really care for Nolan's Batman trilogy. I don't dislike it, but I don't think it's the end-all be-all trilogy (I found myself realizing that the Dark Knight was dragging on as I kept checking the time, whereas I still find myself swept up completely in other movies with similar runtimes, for instance). I like the movies but don't get the hype. There is nothing wrong with that and it isn't necessarily relevant to this post - I just figured I should get that out of the way in case my points contradict Bale's brooding motives and people want to nerd fight over it. Personally I preferred Burton's take on Batman, where Gotham was a weird, almost whimsical place with a grim reality at its core. It made the ridiculousness of the villains and a grown man in bat suit more appropriate. It doesn't matter which version of the story I prefer because bottom line I still love Batman. He was always my preferred superhero because he represented ingenuity, not god-given talent, to influence his environment. Of course the massive inheritance helps his endeavor, but even unlike Tony Stark who was, to an extent, born a genius Bruce Wayne must train and work and build through trial and error and drive. Depending on how grimdark you want to delve into the psyche of Batman, you could also say a sick obsession with vengeance drives him. I'm going to ignore that point and focus on campy Batman (the one who hangs out with Superman a lot and makes unintentional double entendres at Robin). Batman is a human being who feels a lot of hate and angst but chooses to be brave instead. The character in spirit, why we love him and connect with him, isn't because of his call for vigilante justice - but a call for bravery in the face of cowardice, teamwork in the face of loneliness, and small but important victories in the face of a seemingly endless internal war.

 Gotham City is a place filled with chaos and fear. Its very citizens are slaves to the reality that psychos crawl among them, manifesting their sick and twisted desires in the most flamboyant and deadly manner. It is a grim, strange place where sometimes nothing makes sense. Batman fights to change all that; of course he has his own tragedies and his own flaws, but at the end of the day Batman represents a notion that we shouldn't live in absolute fear, that we can be repressed just as much by our fear as we are by the villains who instill it and that we don't have to be that way. Batman looks at cowardice and fights back. There are lessons to be learned from this tragedy. If we give in to fearing every possible situation at every moment in time, then the villains of the world win.

The man who shot up the theater thought of himself as the Joker. Let's all be Batman.

Reflections on My Own American Dream.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone! Now, before I get into the nitty-gritty of my post, I want to give a disclaimer. I'm writing this as a reflection of the meaning of the day as it pertains to me. I realize my viewpoints may not line up with those of anyone who reads this, and that is okay. It's one aspect that does make America great. I'm also NOT writing this as a super smug liberal-hipster (libster?) who wants to condemn flag waving and red-white-and-blue party plates...if I was I would have said "Happy Fourth of July, everyone! Have you hugged any French today?". That being said, I would like to share this video.

America Is Not The Greatest Country in the World (the Newsroom, HBO)

The above clip is from HBO's new series, the Newsroom, starring Jeff Daniels as a cynical anchor of an all news network. He is speaking at a university with two other pundits (one liberal, one conservative) and was reluctant to give a serious viewpoint concerning political alignment. Although the first episode deals primarily with the aftermath of his tirade (which he blames on vertigo medication), there is something that just resonates with the audience and, of course, with the audience watching the show at home. It is not fair to just show the first half and leave out his lamenting yet hopeful call for true American greatness. As Sorkenesque as the writing may be, I felt the above clip summarized very much what I feel about the United States as it stands today....not just because I feel that America is not the greatest country in the world (I think it's on par with other first world nations) but because of that second half.

"Sure used to be. We stood up for what was right. We fought for moral reasons. We passed laws, struck down laws, for moral reasons. We waged wars on poverty, not poor people. We sacrificed. We cared about our neighbors. We put our money where our mouths were. And we never beat our chest.

We built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases, and we cultivated the world’s greatest artists and the world’s greatest economy...We reached for the stars. Acted like men.

We aspired to intelligence. We didn’t belittle it—it didn’t make us feel inferior.

We didn’t identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election, and we didn’t, oh, we didn’t scare so easy. Ha. We were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed. By great men. Men who were revered. First step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. America is not the greatest country in the world anymore."

I am an American patriot.

A lot of people may disagree with this sentiment. "You don't think America is the greatest? How can you be patriotic?". That's easy. How do you love another person despite all of their inherit flaws? Or dark spots in their history? How can you love something even though sometimes things don't work out the way you want them? That, for me, is patriotism. It is not Nationalism, the blind idea that one's country is the best and can do no wrong (and for the record, EVERY nation has citizens with this belief. Please don't think I'm trying to ruffle my own countrymen's feathers with that statement). And yes, Will's statement is a little white-washed in and of itself and the kind of call to "a simpler time" that usually makes me roll my eyes...

...On the other hand, in school, I always loved hearing about the Great Depression and World War II. Not so much because I have a macabre fascination with history and suffering (which I do, but that's beside the point), but because things were done because they were right. I'm not talking about the mess that led us to the economic nightmare that was the Great Depression; I'm talking about the aftermath. The Civilian Conservation Corps, part of the New Deal, gave jobs to millions of out of work young men and helped make our country not only more beautiful but more accessible to every citizen. Relief and recovery were given to EVERYONE in need and no one batted an eye about helping those less fortunate because everyone was in the same boat together. Government handouts weren't considered a Marxist wet-dream so much as the government serving it's people. Then the United States became involved with World War II, and despite my personal disgust at isolationists for taking so long in getting involved, one must still feel a sense of pride at seeing those old posters for the war efforts. Victory gardens, rationing, reminding every citizen that they had something to sacrifice - by giving up these new found comforts that come with a booming economy, we were helping our boys overseas. World War II was fought with a clear directive, an almost too perfect "good vs. evil" (gray areas such as Stalin aside) scenario that literally everyone in the world could get behind. This is why I have a hard time taking people's word on supporting wars today and comparing it to the WWII war effort. Nothing is that clear cut, and motives are much more rooted and covered. Maybe it was then, too. I don't know.


What I do know, though, even if hindsight is 20-20; for every dark spot on our record as a nation we have spots of genuine goodness, integrity, and innovation. One of my favorite essayists, Sarah Vowell (really, check out her books, she's amazing) said in her book the Partly Cloudy Patriot that "The true American patriot is by definition skeptical of the government". I agree with this statement, as I find myself agreeing with many things Ms. Vowell has to say. However, it's not the government itself that I find myself being skeptical about. So many other things factor in.


People who believe others can't be true "Americans" because they disagree. People who twist the Constitution to support their own agenda, partisanship in general, historical white-washers, people who couldn't even pass an American history course yet are speaking and acting in office as though history does not repeat itself, people who don't understand how taxes work or what socialism really is. But if anything, today is not a day to dwell on all that. Not for me. 


Today is a day when we celebrate the crazy notion that the will of the people are what make a nation and not the government; that the government must serve it's people. Today is the day where we remember that sometimes the underdogs who want it more (and yes, with help from a boatload of French guys), can come out on top. Today is the day where we get to pat ourselves on the back for all the amazing things America has accomplished, that Americans have contributed to the global community. Today should also be the day that we look to the future for upcoming accomplishments, to not say "remember when things were simpler?", but to instead say "what can we accomplish as a nation in the next 100 years?". Today is the kind of day where I hope that the promise of an easier, better tomorrow, where science is not feared but celebrated, where civil rights and basic freedoms can be upheld, and where every child really can follow their ambitions because they received the education and community support they needed. That, to me, is the American dream. I am fortunate to live in this country because it can change hats and become greater than it ever has before. I love this entire world dearly, but I will always be an American. 

Tomorrow, let's not pat ourselves on the back anymore and instead start doing again. We live in a beautiful country filled with natural wonders and amazing cultural diversity found nowhere else on the planet. We should be celebrating the promise of our future every other day of the year. As citizens, we should all work on being kinder, being more open minded, and learn to really research what's going on around us. We shouldn't ride the coat-tails of our past success but instead observe and create. 


So yeah, I don't think that the United States is the greatest country in the world. We are not the only ones who enjoy freedom. We're a little behind in accepting progress when we built our entire foundation on progress, but things can always change. My American dream is what I believe in, why I love this country because it CAN happen, and why I am an American patriot. 

Avengers: Stray Observations

Tonight I watched the Avengers...again. The wonderful thing about watching a movie for the second, third, fourth, etc. time is finding new things to look at and analyze. My attention, while still on the film, was free to notice little things and imagine scenarios playing out that the movie missed out on. I had so many of these moments that I decided to compile them. WARNING: Spoilers ahead. Like majorly. 

• Thor captures Loki and fights with Tony and Steve in what looks like Yosemite. If so, the National Park Service is going to be PISSED when they find the damage. I imagine the ghost of John Muir coming out of the woods and being all like "what the hell, guys?". I would also pay to see a sequel in which the ghost of John Muir is an Avenger...since apparently Ant-man, Wolverine, and Spidey can't get no love (granted the latter two were only recent additions). 

• There are so many squee moments during the movie (you know, the kind of fangirlish - or boy, I'm not gonna judge - moments that make you go omgomgomg!) but my favorite, aside from the slow zoom on Chris Evans' butt, is probably the moment during the climactic battle where the camera shows the Avengers coming together as a team and working as a unit (Thor jumping on the thing's back to assist the Hulk, Iron Man and Cap's super cool laser beam trick). I love it when things come together. 

• I don't care if you think Whedon's dialogue is bad (I'm looking at you, Eli, you crazy person)...he has a strong sense of character development. That is why I've found it odd when people's complaints with the movie include "hurrr hurrr its nothing but action sequences and no development". Whedon is a master of telling a backstory and creating a sense of a character's being in a short amount of time; the trick is you have to pay attention to nuances and not just spoken dialogue. This is why I can't multitask while watching Buffy, Angel, or Firefly - I'd miss out on critical information in a split second. 

• Iron Man, after completing his Jonah and the Whale escapade, landed next to the Shawarma place he described soon after. 

• Was that an engagement ring on Pepper Potts' finger at the end of the movie? IT WAS, WASN'T IT??? Squeeee! 

• There is clearly a populated area directly below the carrier in the scene where Tony is fixing the engine. They probably aren't a fan of all the debris falling from the sky. 

• I still like to imagine that Peter Parker and the Fantastic Four were sitting in their respective locales in New York City and watching the events unfold on TV...first reacting all like "what the hell is going on?" and then "eh....these guys seem to have it under control."  Meanwhile, the X-Men are just glad they are upstate in Rochester..."oh man, sorry you guys...we were TOTALLY going to come help but, ya know, taking the X-Jet just wasn't fuel efficient and by the time we rented a van you guys pretty much had it taken care of..."

• I realize I'm asking too much from a movie whose sole purpose is to mash together superheros, but the thing I love most about Marvel is the comprehensive sense of awareness (yes, I know D.C. also does it, yadda yadda Supes and Batman are BFFs forever, but Marvel has always made their universe come alive better, IMO)...but I would have liked to seen an acknowledgement thrown to the other big wigs in the Marvel Universe. I don't need a cameo, and I understand red tape nightmares even within their own franchise, but it would have been pretty sweet to at least acknowledge that the Avengers weren't the only superheroes. And yes, I DID take note of Fury's offhand comment about "others out there that we can't control". I just like to ask a lot in terms of fandom. 

• I teared up at the part where Tony calls Pepper while he was routing the nuke into space. Deep inside I knew Whedon wouldn't (couldn't, or else Iron Man 3 would be pretty short) kill off Iron Man, but....you never know. Props to Whedon for keeping his character killing to a minimum -only poor Coulson felt his wrath. I imagine Agent Coulson is in Whedon heaven playing dinosaurs with Wash. 

• Uh....Mr. Policeman...how do you not know who Captain freaking America is? If a man that fabulously handsome wearing a ridiculous suit that only he can manage to pull off, you do not wait for him to punch a bunch of aliens in the face. He clearly is the real deal. 

• It's already been said by everyone ever, but Mark Ruffalo really did a spot on job with Bruce Banner.  Not that I found Edward Norton bad - I believe he would have done just as well with Whedon directing, but considering things fell through with him Ruffalo really stepped up. I loved how awkward he was in a true science nerd fashion. 

• Sprecking of which, characterization really shone through with Banner and the Hulk. One question (and criticism) I've seen come up is why didn't the Hulk rationalize his thoughts aboard the carrier like he did in NYC? I've decided that Banner's story arc was about control and acceptance. During the course of the movie he makes it clear that he resents "the other guy", that he is very aware of the danger of letting the Hulk loose, and is resentful of him for stealing his life away. Tony even lectures him on how such a burden becomes a part of someone, and they must accept it. Banner shows up in NYC on his little motorbike (which for some reason I find adorably hilarious) ready for action and voluntarily turns into the Hulk - by accepting this other part of him, he finally has control of him. That's what I got out of it, anyway. 

• For funsies, I'll go into my other character arc observations since that argument that the movie lacks it really pisses me off. Steve, still upset about his future robbed from him and lost in a time he doesn't quite understand, or even want to understand, feels lost. From receiving orders to discovering the the intention behind Phase 2 and Tony's snide comment about "everything that's special about you came from a bottle", all he feels like is a soldier in a battle he has no control of. Coulson's idealism as well as his own initiative to step up during the NYC battle puts him in his rightful place as not only the personification of courage, kindness, and strength but also as the leader of the Avengers. Tony's selfless act of putting the nuke through the portal, knowing he was probably going to die doing so, negated his previous bad habit of making things about him and how these things affected him. He realized there was no way out and couldn't just "cut the wire" this time, and yet he did it anyway. He also had a prime opportunity to take a cheap shot at Loki with an expected witticism once he rose from the streets in his new suit, but instead made it abundantly clear that Loki would be held accountable for Coulson's death. Natasha and Clint didn't really have much of an arc so much as a look into their already formed characters - what they mean to each other, how their pasts have affected their current situation. It was clear, though, that despite how she played it off some of what Loki said got to Natasha and that is why she was ready to become a soldier. I found out recently that Clint is, in the comics, mostly deaf...so, ya know, I guess that's interesting. Thor didn't really have much development but considering all the growing up he did in his own movie I guess it could slide. He did, as Loki pointed out, retain a constant sense of sentimentality that kept him trying to reason with his brother instead of straight up murdering his ass. It is implied that this will always be the case. How sweet. 

• You guys, how friggin sweet was Natasha's jump off of Cap's shield onto that flying thingy? It looked like fun. 

• If you work for S.H.I.E.L.D. and are a female (or Hawkeye, apparently) you MUST wear the standard uniform catsuit. Caleb said any organization that Natasha is a member of that doesn't require a catsuit should be burned to the ground. Psh. 

• Those fly-y thingies that shot out the alien troopers is clearly a living thing, or at least a weapon made up of organic matter - when the Hulk causes one to explode, you see viscera and things flying about. So do the alien soldiers live inside them, or are those umbilical cords on the soldiers when they come shooting out of it onto the buildings? 

• Alexis Denisof as the Other. It didn't even sound like him (modulation aside). I honestly had a hard time paying attention to those scenes because I kept reciting his lines in my head as said by my favorite loser rogue demon hunter turned badass Wesley Wyndam-Pryce.

• Speaking of Buffyverse, Whedon looooooves those shots of a giant area being engulfed into a pit of doom while a vehicle full of people drive away, barely missing the destruction. Also, the "you lack conviction" speech Coulson gives to Loki was TOTALLY in an episode of Angel. Like, nearly verbatim. 

• The S.H.I.E.L.D. bosses can't be taken seriously. Why? Because it looks like they're trying to recreate the Guild of Calamitous Intent. Just throw David Bowie as the Sovereign in there and suddenly this becomes a Venture Brothers vehicle. Which I would watch forever, especially considering Rusty Venture is definitely Tony Stark in the darkest timeline. 

• Suiting up for the major battle! Hell yeah! Wait...is Natasha putting on a Nintendo Power Glove?

• The "tink" sound when Loki tries to corrupt Tony's heart is the icing on the hilarity cake. 

• WTF is "dark power", Loki? Quit making up things. But no, really, Thor...you're not even going to take a second to pop on over to Jane and tell her hello? I mean it was pretty well established at the end of Thor that she was never going to stop looking for him. That's cold, man. 

• Directed by Joss Whedon. Screenplay by Joss Whedon. Produced by Joss Whedon. A Joss Whedon film. Starring: Joss Whedon. Music by Joss Whedon. Catering by Joss Whedon Problematic Foods Inc. Visual Effects by Joss Whedon. No Joss Whedons were harmed in the making of this Joss Whedon. 

Lastly, look at this picture. LOOK AT IT! Tom Hiddleston Loki Squee! 

This "list" might be updated as I think over other stuffs...but please, feel free to add your own observations! 

Storybrooke! Y U NO MAKE SENSE?

Finally, finally, I'm catching up on Once Upon a Time. It was one of the few shows I actually watched in Tampa (that's really saying something) and there's a certain irony that I haven't kept up with it now that I have literally every hour of every day free. Because I made this blog post like, the most popular status of all time on facebook, I figured I better follow through and jot my concerns down. Also, for the record, I'm fairly certain I could have written a post on how I just sprouted wings and it wouldn't have gotten nearly as many likes. I'm just sayin.

A few things about Storybrooke, the town in Maine where all the story book characters live in modern day, have been on my mind. I'd like to bring up some of these points because, honestly, I can't be the only one who's wondered wtf is going on with this town. 

And yes, I'm taking into consideration that I should repeat to myself "it's just a show, I should really just relax"...but, ya know, free time and all that. 

The first thing that strikes me is the obvious; the characters of Storybrooke can't leave their town or else horrible things happen. No one ever comes to Storybrooke. Okay fair (and ominous) enough. However, 

where are the shops getting their supplies? The people their clothes?The episode with Hansel and Gretel clearly showed a modern day convenience store and not some little old timey general store. Do they have their own self sustaining community with power plants and water treatment facilities? I understand the town has been in some sort of stasis since the curse began, but how long ago was that? How are they keeping up on current trends? Who is supplying the town with gasoline? WHO IS DISTRIBUTING PRODUCT TO THIS PLACE? I know it's relatively minor given the plot, but honestly - if you're going to have the whole secrecy and captivity thing going on, at least be more subtle about modern globalization and distribution of goods. Or, ya know, magic. Whatever. 

This led to a whole host of other questions. If Storybrooke is a town conceived from a curse (again, at an indeterminate time), then has Storybrooke always existed before Maine was even a thing, or was it just kinda dropped there? I feel like the State of Maine isn't even aware of it's existence (most likely due to all the vampires and aliens and whatnot Stephen King always writes about - I'm certain that takes up a good deal of attention with the state government). So if that's the case, because the whole nobody leaves and nobody comes, did the Curse take into account government records? If not, then Storybrooke isn't even legally recognized as a part of the United States of America. Think about it. Regina's empty threats at legal action against whatever is pissing her off that week are laughable when you realize that the attention on the town drawn from said action will cause an uproar warranting further investigation. Did the Curse plan to cover it's tracks with the whole no one enters, no one leaves thing? Good job, Rumpelstiltskin...didn't count on the power of bureaucracy, did you? When things get really heated and shit goes down that simply can't be ignored, I'd like a cutaway scene of some very confused government officials going "Holy shit...has that place always been there?" 

Finally, and this has been increasingly annoying since I first noticed this, does Regina even KNOW what a mayor is supposed to do? She butts into everyone's business and then threatens with this and that - all under the principle "I'm the mayor hurr hurr". Her mayoral plot device (which no one questions, ever) has made her  character not so much antagonistic as just plain obnoxious. I want to punch her in her stupid face every time I see her in a scene because she clearly disregards local government (seriously? Didn't think about getting that $40,000 playground budget approved?) but also common decency. She's that friend that every popular girl in jr. high had that would get into everyone else's business and defend her friend's honor by provoking confrontation...despite the fact she literally has nothing to do with it. Corruption charges alone (using local police for frivolous tasks while on duty) should have her resignation and arrest. Emma, if she was even a real sheriff and not one in the wild west cowboy sense, would have noticed this if she was actually trained at her job. Which she's not, because she's upholding questionable laws in a town not even legally recognized itself. Facepalms for everyone! Unless that was Regina's plan all along; kill off Graham not because he is turning loyalties but instead take the risk of putting someone grossly incompetent on the job. 

Wait, jk on the finally, I just had a new thought. Clearly people can die in Storybrooke (Graham, possibly Kathyrine) but is it limited to intentional death or does life continue and end naturally? If Granny kicked the bucket, would it affect the Curse? Also, lol wut Lewis Carroll characters? Next they'll have Dorothy and Toto showing up. Throw in a few of Tolkien's hobbits while you're at it. That was just an observation to the fact that this town is small as hell - how do these people not know one another??

I know this seems like a lot of meaningless questions but honestly these all run through my mind every episode in about the span of a minute. Anyway, I'm not really criticizing the show but thought I'd get these important matters off my mind. 

Tales from Unemployment

Three months already? Good gracious - that's like 3 months spent doing nothing. A fourth of a year. No wonder I'm going insane. 3 months, that is, since I graduated. Slacking off is not as awesome as I thought it would be.

I mean, I knew it wouldn't be easy finding a job after graduation and 3 months is a drop in the bucket for a lot of people. So, count my blessings and all that. It's not so bad living at home. So instead of complaining about how none of the 50 or so applications I've thrown out have gotten a bite I'll just fill everyone in on the life and times of Erin (post graduation edition).

I never expected I would travel as much as I did. Already in 2012 I've been to Houston, vacationed twice in Tampa, took an impromptu weekend in the Smokies, and spent an amazing week in Honduras. I've already outlined most of my trip to El Progreso on Facebook (that's a hint to look at my damn photos. Or, you know, you could ask me about it yourself) but if you REALLY want to be awesome, check out the Students Helping Honduras website (and donate to my page!!). Met some really awesome kids, too. The most surreal thing, actually, is how much I learned to love Tampa when I was there as a visitor. I actually walked downtown and enjoyed the sites. Gasparilla was actually eventful. I actually got to see my friends and hang out with them! Man, I had been missing out.

I've also had a lot of time for introspection. Tonight, I'm cooking some fancy foodstuffs - chicken with garlic and caper sauce and cauliflower and broccoli casserole. Look at me being fancy! I've even thought about breaking out the sewing machine and trying my hand at that again. And, of course, in the meantime I've been applying for anything that catches me eye; jobs at national parks, jobs at zoos, internships - I'd really like to get involved with some research, but there's that childhood dream that is insistent on husbandry. I miss St. Louis a lot; I really wish I could just get my foot in the door in an animal program down there. In the mean time, I've done the one thing I vowed I would not - substitute teach in the meantime. Not that I'm against teaching but ah hell, I'm watching Trading Places right now and forgot about the scene where Dan Akroyd is in black face and now I've lost my train of thought. Anyway, also have been looking into the Illinois Department of Resources for volunteer stuffs.

That was a weird paragraph.

And hey! Been catching up on my reading list, too. I finally read the Hunger Games. At the risk of being burned alive, I have to say that it was great but not amazing. The writing style really took me out of the experience (granted, it's supposed to be a young adult novel) but honestly, for a book that was touted to be a great story of dystopian unrest I found the tributes very complacent with their fate. Too many awkward sentences about kissing and not enough dialogue between characters setting a stage for revolution. Thankfully, the plot was intriguing enough that these were only minor complaints. Could have used more exploding collars, maybe a tribute who won the games before but was competing again for fun, and a disgruntled gym teacher. I also realized that by and large most kids today are going to grow up without knowing or at least understanding Calvin and Hobbes.

Oh yeah, and I turned 25. Spent most of the day at a wedding so that was kind of a bust (for me, not for them. It was really a lovely wedding and reception). People forgetting my birthday aside, I went out that night with some old friends from high school, my brudda, and my cousins for some drinks and all was right with the world. Discovered that wearing high heels makes me a slave to men (according to the bar bathroom), and that there is a beer called a Flying Dog Double Dog with an 11.5% alcohol content. But no, really, if you forgot my birthday, I'm not bitter or anything. Really.

Did you make it through all of that boring catch up? Awesome. Anyway, the point is I guess I'm struggling to find a way to make every day count while literally, LITERALLY having nothing of real importance to do. I'm struggling to figure out what exactly my next moves are and figuring out why I'm so damn stressed because I feel like one wrong move will ruin my chances for - I don't know what. What am I trying to do again? Aside from checking my e-mail obsessively every 5 minutes (no lie) hoping for even an acknowledgement that someone has read an application, waiting for "real life" is agonizing. I'm 25 and I still feel like this can't be it. Words of advice are greatly appreciated. Job offers even more so.

Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success...flat stretches of boring routine...and valleys of frustration and failure.

Here's to hoping tomorrow will be fruitful!

Gone the Way of the Amity 3: A goodbye letter to Jaws.

I can't believe I forgot today (well, yesterday) was the 2nd of January already. Upon realization, I went into mourning as I remembered a place, an entity, I loved so dearly would be closing it's docks forever.

Jaws (the attraction at Universal Studios) is no more (unless you go to Japan). As unweildy as that sentence was, it's the truth.

Jaws was saved once in 2005 despite the cost of fueling the attraction. Not long after, I began the "theme park" era of my life, and Jaws played a small, but still significant, role in those memories. The times I had ridden as a guest on Captain Jake's boat tours as a child I had been somewhat scared of the shark; as I got older and especially as I became a local I grew to love its dated but endearing demeanor. Word must have gotten out about the fish episode or else Captain Jake and all the other businesses wouldn't be closing up shop. I'm sorry I wasn't there to say goodbye. Whenever I pretend to be in fake shock, I will remember Jaws fondly.

The funny thing about Jaws closing is that actually I've decided to completely, finally, put my theme park life behind me. Most of my friends have moved on -despite the ferverent promises of keeping in touch - and we've all sort of drifted apart. Things change, and that includes places where our realites and disbeliefs are suspended on a daily basis. It's fitting that I can mark this time in my life with such an occasion...even if it is a bit melodramatic (also appropriate). I can almost bookmark that part of my life with the resurrection and final death of a theme park attraction in which a fake shark is shot at multiple times with a grenade launcher. Give me awhile and see if I can work that into some kind of metaphor.

Of course I can't say much else on how it changed my life. I can't say that its closing has affected me the way other attractions closings have (Wonders of Life! NOOOOOO!), and I certainly can't speak for the Skippers who worked there. Most of the Skippers that had the pleasure of my captive attention were excellent, even if they were obvious veterans of the attraction, and for them I say thank you. For funsies I post the below video (made in honor of the re-opening of the attraction in 2005).
I know a lot of the Skippers, past and present, through good and bad, must be looking back on the time they spent there. Unless they didn't know it was closing, then they probably aren't. I mean, it didn't really make national headlines or anything. I digress. Thanks, Skippers, for being funny and putting energy into making the ride enjoyable for guests. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever comes next.

Sadly, Jaws closing also means there will be plenty of ladies who will never be proposed to by their deadbeat boyfriends stuck in the 1990s. The great thing is, though, that if you got the reference in the previous sentence then it's easy to understand the cultural impact of Jaws as an attraction. To say it was no longer relevent I believe is a total lie and I swear if some other Harry Potter attraction or whatever crap Dreamworks is spewing out ends up filling the void that is Amity, I will be so pissed.

I don't really know how to make this blog drop into gear and go anywhere, so I will close on my promised goodbye letter.

Dear Jaws,

When I first heard you were closing down for good I was angry. Then I was sad, and then reasoned that surely more time will be bought, just like for Back to the Future, for fans to say goodbye. Then I graduated and left Florida and kinda forgot and I know that makes me a really bad person and I apologize. Then I also forgot that today was the 2nd and I had this great plan to change my facebook to something fitting and...yeah, that fell through.
I will miss your cheesy wonderfulness, and your hokey yet hilarious queue video. I will always cringe in terror whenever I see a barrel full of water tipping precariously. I will still recite various quotes whenever I see fitting. I will rue the fact that I never got one of those Amity Swim Team t shirts because dammit I love things with details like that. Most of all, on cold, cold days in Illinois, I will fondly remember the warmth of hundreds of dollars of fuel burning my face. I will miss you, Jaws, and I pray your burnt, lacerated,corpse (I mean that in the most loving way possible) will find peace as a relic somewhere public so that others will reflect. Thanks for taking something so silly so seriously, and thanks for bringing me and my friends and family lots of joy. You have become a legend in your own time.

Calling off the Marines,

-Erin