I tend to do weird things at night. No, this post isn't going where you might think its going...for instance, after watching the Producers on Netflix, I decided that 2:48 a.m. was an excellent time to scrounge around my room looking for the periwinkle digital watch I owned my senior year of high school. I never wear watches (I HATE the feeling of things on my wrists, for some reason). The one exception to this is my Jurassic Park watch that I wore proudly until the stego came unglued in the watch face and now floats aimlessly in no-mans land, lorded over by gravity like a sad pair of googly eyes. I would still be wearing it today, I assure you.
But I digress. There are two things that people need to know about me and my room. This is the same room I've been in since I was a baby, and I never throw anything of even minor consequence away. Not like hoarder style amounts of stuff, but a decent amount of clutter. I'm sentimental like that. The problem with my sentimentality is that I'm also extremely lazy, and tend to forget about the stuff I've kept.
I knew where this particular watch was a couple years ago, so SURELY that's a good starting place, yeah? I wore the watch when I went (pardon the alliteration) to Japan in 2004. After the trip, I set it down on my set of bookshelves that holds no books (only things I've collected over the years), and that was that. The battery lasted a long time, and as of 2008 the alarm still went off for 1 minute, beeping every 5 seconds, at 1:00 p.m. (on it's time); mind you I never set the alarm, nor did I know how to shut it off, so this just goes to show how watches generally frighten and confuse me.
I started at this bookshelf and proceeded to dig my way through the knick-knacks and souvenirs here and there. Wading through these by-gone objects, I came across things I hadn't seen in years, or had forgotten existed completely. Pulling out the drawers from a little portable cabinet thingo, I came across pictures from jr. high and high school, and all the negatives carefully kept in the little photo pouch. A Magellan (you know, from Eureeka's Castle) foam stamp top, 2004 Destination Imagination GRF and State pins, video games for my Game Boy Advance, stickers, cards, newspaper clippings. A set of unopened Powerpuff Girls Halloween cards (who gives cards out on Halloween?)
One small jewelry box I had bought from Claires, probably when I was 11 or so, contained two Odyssey of the Mind rings, no less than 4 pesos (??), a "friends forever" ring thats counterpart probably went to a person I no longer keep in contact with (which is why the owner of the other one escapes my mind), a Walt Disney World token with Nala on it from 1995, and a Susan B. Anthony dollar.
I tried on my light up Disney princess crown, the one I bought in Downtown Disney with Margaret on our senior trip in 2005. I had no idea a little over a year later I'd be working in the area. Gleefully finding a telescope on the bottom shelf with my pirate stuff (I had a big pirate phase before it was cool *sticks nose up in air*), I looked through it and promptly gave myself a headache. The admissions bracelet to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, and a card from one of my best friends given to me on our last night as Disney College Program participants. Alas, the watch wasn't anywhere to be found.
Moving on to the nightstand that sits between my door and my closet thinking perhaps at some point in an attempt to clean I had moved it. Behind the tiger head lunchbox I got at Busch Gardens (also on the 2005 senior trip), my elephant bank, and my zen waterfall thingo that never works, I found boxes I had been storing away. Fun fact; in Japan, some chocolate candies come in little boxes that open up like a briefcase or lunchbox (sans clasp, they're not that fancy. It's just cardboard). I had gotten these from Chikako, my friend in high school, at some point and kept them. But why? Deterring from my watch mission, I decided to take a peek at them. Some still held contents (still wrapped individually...ewww though), a couple were empty. One held nothing but stickers.
The last, most spacious box (I think previously held chocolate covered graham crisp thingies that were in the shape of tree stumps), surprised me when I opened it. Notes from friends passed stealthily during class, a graduation card, even my first bank statement. And that's when it hit me; these are the things that define my life. Not in my actions or anything, but a trail of destruction and clutter that, when inspected carefully, are actually just pieces of my history. I was reminded of things that I hadn't thought about in literally years, but this is all part of who I am. It felt good.
I kept looking around my room, actually looking and observing the things I had placed here and there, and was just overtaken with memories: Pictures in cute frames from Okinawa, my Dewey's Pizza glasses (I have the whole set now!) from St. Louis, the Will Power bracelet showing support for my late cousin who at the time was battling cancer...all set in front of the many books I read and re-read over my formative years. The earrings I wore to prom set next to a photo taken of the night my senior year, and that was next to a shell covered jewelry box that belonged to my grandmother. The Jurassic Park watch, sitting dejectedly next to my action figures.
I started noticing the things on my walls, placed over the years; a pawprint from one of the wolves I helped to capture and sedate for a checkup at the Wild Canid Center (now the Wolf Sanctuary) near St. Louis when I was interning at the zoo. A wall hanging that belonged to Beth Carsmen, one of the coolest ladies that ever lived; Beth had traveled around the world and had such a spirit and passion for life, even up until the last days of her long life, that made such an impact on me.
Even the floor held memories; the carpeting in my room is a rust red (ya rly), so when I was little I liked to pretend it was lava at night. Monsters couldn't get into my room because they'd have to cross the lava and they'd burn up. I was jealous of my brother's room; they had a nice green carpet. I could pretend it was a field when I played with my barbies and other toys.
Alf keychains, old cameras, school pictures of friends hidden away in drawers. Silly knick-knacks, and even an old piece of concrete ticky-tacked to the side of a drawer (an in-joke with a friend that had given it to me saying it was a symbol of friendship and unity xD). The guitar that sits in the corner, only 3 chords learned, that made it to Florida with me but had to be rescued from an ex. Stupid, little insignificant things that just made me realize that there is so much more to my life, who I am, than necessarily what I recall now.
It's easy to breeze through life and look back down to where you've already been and think you know everything already about that place in time. It's easy to glaze over it all and define it in a sentence or two. "I was lonely in high school, and don't really remember doing much of anything anyway". Maybe. But maybe not so much, either. Thanks, room, for being kinda bad-ass.
I didn't find that watch, but I have come to two conclusions; pick up the guitar again and see if I can't actually learn something on it, and dust my room.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Take whatcha got and fly with it
A week ago today marked the 21st anniversary of the death of Jim Henson. I was flying home from Tampa on that day, and with my traveling adventures I had forgotten about this occasion. I had remembered the night I went to the movie theater with my brother to see Thor, and had seen seen a poster for the new Muppet movie due to come out.
21 years gone, and Henson still has an impact on this world in such positive ways. I think if anyone can make a new, quirky muppet movie work, I'm hoping Jason Segel can do it. I hate how Disney has taken the muppets and wrote Henson out of the picture.
I know these sound like musings of a person with nothing better to do than dote over a dead puppeteer, and maybe the magic of the Muppets isn't seen with everyone. To a lot of people, I realize, they are just foam and googly eyes and relics of decades past, like Spongebob or the Jersey Shore will be someday.
Think of it this way; Henson was just a basically good, kind person with a flair for creating and being silly. He saw imagination in every object and found a lesson in every creation. Kermit, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Big Bird, Bert, Gobo, Red, Uncle Matt, and all of the other wonderful creatures weren't just puppets; they grew up in the conciousness of Americans and citizens around the world. To a lot of people, the Muppets were as real as any human being...of course you know they're NOT, but they kinda are. Work with me here. (On a side note, I've found that many people continuously enchanted by Henson find the same with Calvin and Hobbes; Hobbes is real, but he isn't. Nobody questions it, and it's fantastic that way).
In the Muppet special that aired after his death, the Muppets went on a bit of an introspective journey to find out who this "Jim" is that they're throwing a special for. As they get to know him, they are shocked and saddended to find out Kermit's closest friend has passed away.
The best summarization of Jim's legacy is submitted by a fan, read carefully by Scooter.
"perhaps the substance of Jim Henson's genius was the ability to see wonder far-off in crazy directions, and get people to follow him there"
This video also marks the first time Kermit speaks with a new, different voice. It's easy to spend an entire day watching the memorials, the tributes on youtube. I didn't know which one to post; all of them have their own special way of making people see why this man was, and still is, a role-model to all of humanity. The song that truly defines Henson and all he created is "Just One Person", a song that debuted on the Muppet Show with Bernadette Peters encouraging Robin to never give up.
I have very few inspirational heroes, but Jim Henson will always, always be one of the people I look to for finding a way in life. Working at Disney World, I met many people who found the same vein of inspiration from Walt Disney. I do not. I find Disney to be a cold, unapproachable icon, somewhat cutthroat and too business minded for my tastes, and I can't connect with him on a personal level. Henson always seems like an old friend, and the world is truly a better place because he was here, even though he didn't give us theme parks or crank out impersonal movies. He made the world better because of his passion for being silly, and showing us that sometimes being silly is okay, and being silly can have heart. He was always so involved in every aspect of his work, and it showed through to the people who worked with him.
This post is getting to be way longer than I had meant; I kinda just started typing and didn't really think to pull all of these thoughts together. I was barely 3 when Henson died. I do remember, though, being a child and being able to recognize him on tv or in magazines (it was probably the beard). My all time favorite muppet movie is "A Muppet Family Christmas", in which the Muppets, the Sesame Street gang, and the Fraggles all spend Christmas together. At the end Henson, bids farewell as he's drying dishes in the kitchen.
Jim was an all around good guy. Of course he was human, and I'm sure he had plenty of flaws. But he was not just a puppeteer; he was a friend to everyone, a creator, a teacher, a master of sentiment and personality. He was humble yet straight-forward. As Richard Hunt said of Henson, "he did not live for the moment, he lived in the moment...it's important that we all stop giving ourselves such a hard time; we've got to remind and push ourselves to let go." This is the kind of person I want to be.
This is why when I speak of Henson, I speak passionately. I speak of him the way the way others speak of their heroes, and to me he was so much more than "just an entertainer". To hear Richard Hunt, Frank Oz, his children, his co-workers and collaborators, he was so much more than just an entertainer. His world was one filled with color, and song, and perfect dynamics of teaching and learning. Frank Oz was correct in saying Henson was a singularity.
I close on my sappy, naive fan worship of Henson with the hope that I can also someday be a shining beacon of friendship to everyone that surrounds me. I know that's a tall order..I'm not much good at making things or making friends, and like Kermit I feel a bit too green, easily passed over... but maybe, if just one person believes in me...
So Farewell, Jim, wherever you are. Almost a quarter of a century later, and you're not forgotten. You've found that Rainbow Connection, and so will the lovers, the dreamers, and me.
Tom Smith's "A Boy and His Frog"
21 years gone, and Henson still has an impact on this world in such positive ways. I think if anyone can make a new, quirky muppet movie work, I'm hoping Jason Segel can do it. I hate how Disney has taken the muppets and wrote Henson out of the picture.
I know these sound like musings of a person with nothing better to do than dote over a dead puppeteer, and maybe the magic of the Muppets isn't seen with everyone. To a lot of people, I realize, they are just foam and googly eyes and relics of decades past, like Spongebob or the Jersey Shore will be someday.
Think of it this way; Henson was just a basically good, kind person with a flair for creating and being silly. He saw imagination in every object and found a lesson in every creation. Kermit, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Big Bird, Bert, Gobo, Red, Uncle Matt, and all of the other wonderful creatures weren't just puppets; they grew up in the conciousness of Americans and citizens around the world. To a lot of people, the Muppets were as real as any human being...of course you know they're NOT, but they kinda are. Work with me here. (On a side note, I've found that many people continuously enchanted by Henson find the same with Calvin and Hobbes; Hobbes is real, but he isn't. Nobody questions it, and it's fantastic that way).
In the Muppet special that aired after his death, the Muppets went on a bit of an introspective journey to find out who this "Jim" is that they're throwing a special for. As they get to know him, they are shocked and saddended to find out Kermit's closest friend has passed away.
The best summarization of Jim's legacy is submitted by a fan, read carefully by Scooter.
"perhaps the substance of Jim Henson's genius was the ability to see wonder far-off in crazy directions, and get people to follow him there"
This video also marks the first time Kermit speaks with a new, different voice. It's easy to spend an entire day watching the memorials, the tributes on youtube. I didn't know which one to post; all of them have their own special way of making people see why this man was, and still is, a role-model to all of humanity. The song that truly defines Henson and all he created is "Just One Person", a song that debuted on the Muppet Show with Bernadette Peters encouraging Robin to never give up.
I have very few inspirational heroes, but Jim Henson will always, always be one of the people I look to for finding a way in life. Working at Disney World, I met many people who found the same vein of inspiration from Walt Disney. I do not. I find Disney to be a cold, unapproachable icon, somewhat cutthroat and too business minded for my tastes, and I can't connect with him on a personal level. Henson always seems like an old friend, and the world is truly a better place because he was here, even though he didn't give us theme parks or crank out impersonal movies. He made the world better because of his passion for being silly, and showing us that sometimes being silly is okay, and being silly can have heart. He was always so involved in every aspect of his work, and it showed through to the people who worked with him.
This post is getting to be way longer than I had meant; I kinda just started typing and didn't really think to pull all of these thoughts together. I was barely 3 when Henson died. I do remember, though, being a child and being able to recognize him on tv or in magazines (it was probably the beard). My all time favorite muppet movie is "A Muppet Family Christmas", in which the Muppets, the Sesame Street gang, and the Fraggles all spend Christmas together. At the end Henson, bids farewell as he's drying dishes in the kitchen.
Jim was an all around good guy. Of course he was human, and I'm sure he had plenty of flaws. But he was not just a puppeteer; he was a friend to everyone, a creator, a teacher, a master of sentiment and personality. He was humble yet straight-forward. As Richard Hunt said of Henson, "he did not live for the moment, he lived in the moment...it's important that we all stop giving ourselves such a hard time; we've got to remind and push ourselves to let go." This is the kind of person I want to be.
This is why when I speak of Henson, I speak passionately. I speak of him the way the way others speak of their heroes, and to me he was so much more than "just an entertainer". To hear Richard Hunt, Frank Oz, his children, his co-workers and collaborators, he was so much more than just an entertainer. His world was one filled with color, and song, and perfect dynamics of teaching and learning. Frank Oz was correct in saying Henson was a singularity.
I close on my sappy, naive fan worship of Henson with the hope that I can also someday be a shining beacon of friendship to everyone that surrounds me. I know that's a tall order..I'm not much good at making things or making friends, and like Kermit I feel a bit too green, easily passed over... but maybe, if just one person believes in me...
So Farewell, Jim, wherever you are. Almost a quarter of a century later, and you're not forgotten. You've found that Rainbow Connection, and so will the lovers, the dreamers, and me.
Tom Smith's "A Boy and His Frog"
Sunday, May 22, 2011
This life that pass before my eyes
Oh hello, there, blog. I kind of forgot about you. I don't really write like I used to (although you didn't always have only 3 posts...I did some spring cleaning). I don't really write in my journal anymore, either...so I'm a bit rusty at this.
Not that anyone really reads these things, anyway. Blogs are for people to put their thoughts in, and if someone has something to say, well thats okay too. I think its the peace of mind that people are listening, even if they're really not. I've found that's why Facebook is so gosh darn convenient; everyone from every aspect of my life with any consequence can stay in contact, and best of all the 140 character limit and news feed appeals to short attention spans (read: everyone).
So even if its only me, and maybe my immediate family cuz they're all supportive like that, reading this post or blog, that's okay.
It's weird being 24 now. It's weird that its 2011, and it's weird that 6 years ago, I was graduating high school and my childhood proper. 4 years ago I was leaving the Disney College Program, and leaving behind some of my best friends. 2 years ago I was in St. Louis, living in the most fabulous neighborhood and working at the Zoo, bittersweet on leaving to start a new life in Tampa to finally finish school amongst the young'uns.
Tampa isn't really all I hoped to be; I've worked hard, and studied hard, and academically I hope it will pay off. Maybe I should have stayed in St. Louis, applied to Wash U. Maybe I should have given Eastern and the U of I another chance. Maybe I should have looked into Ivy League (yeah right). I lament that I have few memories these past two years though. When people look back at their college years full of memories, I will look back and instead remember and lament the years I didn't spend in school.
I know it sounds goofy and cliche to say "I didn't make any friends in Tampa! boohoo!" but...9 times out of 10, when I met people with similar interests...I still got pushed to the side. We're cool, and then we're friends on facebook, and suddenly that's good enough. I've decided something about my personality must be offputting. So many of my friends on facebook are people I've met, thinking, hey, I could make memories with this person. Life doesn't work that way. Instead, I reflect on the friendships that blossomed out of nothing, the friends I grew up with, the friends I made in Disney and in St. Louis. For instance, I've never had a group of people I could rely on the way I did with my zoobots. To many people I know at school, I'm just an extra number in their outrageous friend count on facebook. I do not play well with others, I guess. It's lonely, and Tampa has given me more grief than I ever thought a place could.
I've always been so ready to move on and finish school. I've always had a plan for everything; Peace Corps, Jet Programme, hike the AT (thanks brudda, for planting that idea!), internships, internships, internships...but since I didn't get the internship at my second home, the zoo, this summer my confidence is shaken. What if things don't go as planned? What will I do after I graduate? Holy crap, I need to be lining these up. What if I apply for the Peace Corps as a back up in case I don't get the internship I've had my eye on at Disney and then I DO get the internship and then I have to turn down this other thing but I still want to do it eventually? These are the stupid things that keep me up at night. I'm not growing up at all.
In the meantime, I have 3 months to get back to a good place. This year has been a mess; lots of ups and downs, but overall I haven't been working at full capacity cognitively. I never could focus, and the projects I would have normally given my all on I settled for "good enough". I'm still kicking myself for not giving my all on my importance of National Parks and BLM policy paper (yeah, nerd).
I'll recharge. I haven't had a true summer break in...3 years now. I'll learn to sew. I'll get back into trail running (slowly...man, this Christmas break was killer! My family spent an entire day legit deep-frying everything in the freezer just for fun...this is how people bond in the Mid-West). I'm going to do some soul searching, and find a way to fill my life with things other than movie references and snarky comments. I just don't feel like me anymore, and its time to change that.
Finally, in case anyone enjoys useless trivia as much as I do (seriously, it's the only thing in the world I'm good at), the blog name, url, and this post title refer to R.E.M.'s "Find the River". I had a big R.E.M. phase in high school, and this song has always stuck with me. Word on the street is that Michael Stipe based the song on Kerouac's On the Road. Read it. Regardless, the song to me is about finding a place in life. So my personal motto, when I get confused or overwhelmed is simply "find the river".
Not that anyone really reads these things, anyway. Blogs are for people to put their thoughts in, and if someone has something to say, well thats okay too. I think its the peace of mind that people are listening, even if they're really not. I've found that's why Facebook is so gosh darn convenient; everyone from every aspect of my life with any consequence can stay in contact, and best of all the 140 character limit and news feed appeals to short attention spans (read: everyone).
So even if its only me, and maybe my immediate family cuz they're all supportive like that, reading this post or blog, that's okay.
It's weird being 24 now. It's weird that its 2011, and it's weird that 6 years ago, I was graduating high school and my childhood proper. 4 years ago I was leaving the Disney College Program, and leaving behind some of my best friends. 2 years ago I was in St. Louis, living in the most fabulous neighborhood and working at the Zoo, bittersweet on leaving to start a new life in Tampa to finally finish school amongst the young'uns.
Tampa isn't really all I hoped to be; I've worked hard, and studied hard, and academically I hope it will pay off. Maybe I should have stayed in St. Louis, applied to Wash U. Maybe I should have given Eastern and the U of I another chance. Maybe I should have looked into Ivy League (yeah right). I lament that I have few memories these past two years though. When people look back at their college years full of memories, I will look back and instead remember and lament the years I didn't spend in school.
I know it sounds goofy and cliche to say "I didn't make any friends in Tampa! boohoo!" but...9 times out of 10, when I met people with similar interests...I still got pushed to the side. We're cool, and then we're friends on facebook, and suddenly that's good enough. I've decided something about my personality must be offputting. So many of my friends on facebook are people I've met, thinking, hey, I could make memories with this person. Life doesn't work that way. Instead, I reflect on the friendships that blossomed out of nothing, the friends I grew up with, the friends I made in Disney and in St. Louis. For instance, I've never had a group of people I could rely on the way I did with my zoobots. To many people I know at school, I'm just an extra number in their outrageous friend count on facebook. I do not play well with others, I guess. It's lonely, and Tampa has given me more grief than I ever thought a place could.
I've always been so ready to move on and finish school. I've always had a plan for everything; Peace Corps, Jet Programme, hike the AT (thanks brudda, for planting that idea!), internships, internships, internships...but since I didn't get the internship at my second home, the zoo, this summer my confidence is shaken. What if things don't go as planned? What will I do after I graduate? Holy crap, I need to be lining these up. What if I apply for the Peace Corps as a back up in case I don't get the internship I've had my eye on at Disney and then I DO get the internship and then I have to turn down this other thing but I still want to do it eventually? These are the stupid things that keep me up at night. I'm not growing up at all.
In the meantime, I have 3 months to get back to a good place. This year has been a mess; lots of ups and downs, but overall I haven't been working at full capacity cognitively. I never could focus, and the projects I would have normally given my all on I settled for "good enough". I'm still kicking myself for not giving my all on my importance of National Parks and BLM policy paper (yeah, nerd).
I'll recharge. I haven't had a true summer break in...3 years now. I'll learn to sew. I'll get back into trail running (slowly...man, this Christmas break was killer! My family spent an entire day legit deep-frying everything in the freezer just for fun...this is how people bond in the Mid-West). I'm going to do some soul searching, and find a way to fill my life with things other than movie references and snarky comments. I just don't feel like me anymore, and its time to change that.
Finally, in case anyone enjoys useless trivia as much as I do (seriously, it's the only thing in the world I'm good at), the blog name, url, and this post title refer to R.E.M.'s "Find the River". I had a big R.E.M. phase in high school, and this song has always stuck with me. Word on the street is that Michael Stipe based the song on Kerouac's On the Road. Read it. Regardless, the song to me is about finding a place in life. So my personal motto, when I get confused or overwhelmed is simply "find the river".
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