This life that pass before my eyes

Oh hello, there, blog. I kind of forgot about you. I don't really write like I used to (although you didn't always have only 3 posts...I did some spring cleaning). I don't really write in my journal anymore, either...so I'm a bit rusty at this.

Not that anyone really reads these things, anyway. Blogs are for people to put their thoughts in, and if someone has something to say, well thats okay too. I think its the peace of mind that people are listening, even if they're really not. I've found that's why Facebook is so gosh darn convenient; everyone from every aspect of my life with any consequence can stay in contact, and best of all the 140 character limit and news feed appeals to short attention spans (read: everyone).

So even if its only me, and maybe my immediate family cuz they're all supportive like that, reading this post or blog, that's okay.

It's weird being 24 now. It's weird that its 2011, and it's weird that 6 years ago, I was graduating high school and my childhood proper. 4 years ago I was leaving the Disney College Program, and leaving behind some of my best friends. 2 years ago I was in St. Louis, living in the most fabulous neighborhood and working at the Zoo, bittersweet on leaving to start a new life in Tampa to finally finish school amongst the young'uns.

Tampa isn't really all I hoped to be; I've worked hard, and studied hard, and academically I hope it will pay off. Maybe I should have stayed in St. Louis, applied to Wash U. Maybe I should have given Eastern and the U of I another chance. Maybe I should have looked into Ivy League (yeah right). I lament that I have few memories these past two years though. When people look back at their college years full of memories, I will look back and instead remember and lament the years I didn't spend in school.

I know it sounds goofy and cliche to say "I didn't make any friends in Tampa! boohoo!" but...9 times out of 10, when I met people with similar interests...I still got pushed to the side. We're cool, and then we're friends on facebook, and suddenly that's good enough. I've decided something about my personality must be offputting. So many of my friends on facebook are people I've met, thinking, hey, I could make memories with this person. Life doesn't work that way. Instead, I reflect on the friendships that blossomed out of nothing, the friends I grew up with, the friends I made in Disney and in St. Louis. For instance, I've never had a group of people I could rely on the way I did with my zoobots. To many people I know at school, I'm just an extra number in their outrageous friend count on facebook. I do not play well with others, I guess. It's lonely, and Tampa has given me more grief than I ever thought a place could.

I've always been so ready to move on and finish school. I've always had a plan for everything; Peace Corps, Jet Programme, hike the AT (thanks brudda, for planting that idea!), internships, internships, internships...but since I didn't get the internship at my second home, the zoo, this summer my confidence is shaken. What if things don't go as planned? What will I do after I graduate? Holy crap, I need to be lining these up. What if I apply for the Peace Corps as a back up in case I don't get the internship I've had my eye on at Disney and then I DO get the internship and then I have to turn down this other thing but I still want to do it eventually? These are the stupid things that keep me up at night. I'm not growing up at all.

In the meantime, I have 3 months to get back to a good place. This year has been a mess; lots of ups and downs, but overall I haven't been working at full capacity cognitively. I never could focus, and the projects I would have normally given my all on I settled for "good enough". I'm still kicking myself for not giving my all on my importance of National Parks and BLM policy paper (yeah, nerd).

I'll recharge. I haven't had a true summer break in...3 years now. I'll learn to sew. I'll get back into trail running (slowly...man, this Christmas break was killer! My family spent an entire day legit deep-frying everything in the freezer just for fun...this is how people bond in the Mid-West). I'm going to do some soul searching, and find a way to fill my life with things other than movie references and snarky comments. I just don't feel like me anymore, and its time to change that.

Finally, in case anyone enjoys useless trivia as much as I do (seriously, it's the only thing in the world I'm good at), the blog name, url, and this post title refer to R.E.M.'s "Find the River". I had a big R.E.M. phase in high school, and this song has always stuck with me. Word on the street is that Michael Stipe based the song on Kerouac's On the Road. Read it. Regardless, the song to me is about finding a place in life. So my personal motto, when I get confused or overwhelmed is simply "find the river".