I had to euthanize a bird today

It had Avian pox and a large grape sized abscess on its wing. 

When I was in high school, I worked for a veterinarian. I loved that job; cleaning out the cages, walking the dogs, playing with the cats, helping with small tasks around the hospital. One day, I came in to work in the morning, switched on the light, and found that a dog had passed away during the night - from Parvo. Parvo is extremely contagious and extremely deadly for dogs. Sanitizing its cage was heartbreaking and I remember crying while I did it. Worse still, though, was euthanasia - I mean, it was necessary in every case, and I never partook in those appointments. Doc is great and treats the occasion, every time, with the dignity that pet deserves. It doesn't make it any easier, though, and a few years later when I went to Doc to put down my childhood cat, a black ball of fluff named Wisper, it was one of the saddest things I've ever experienced. Wisper had been clinging to life as it was, only 10 years old (not young but not terribly old for a cat) due to malignant tumors and necrosis on her side that would not heal. Even though I knew it was for the best, that making her linger until she passed on her own was cruel, I vowed I wouldn't make a good Vet because its just too much to deal with.

I'm an empathetic person. I know my limits emotionally, and especially as an introvert I know when to pay attention to certain red flags that scream "caution! I extremely emotional situation ahead!". I know I would never get desensitized to it. No, and that's what stopped me from pursuing being a veterinarian. 

On the other hand, as an ecologist (yes, I consider myself one...biologist is too vague), I understand the natural cycle of life. It doesn't faze me to see a lioness take down a gazelle or what have you. I understand that every species of animal, aside from humans, inherently struggle with survival every single second of every single day. 

Maybe that's why I didn't cry. This was a wild animal that had the unfortunate fate of catching a serious disease -even if it recovered, it would still be a carrier and could infect hundreds of other birds over a course of a few years. But it still tore at me a bit, doing it myself (I was on call tonight). I'm not terribly sad, but I don't think I'll forget it. 

I'll enjoy the rest of my evening with a cat curled up at my side (his name is George), some milk and poptarts (smore's, although I usually prefer cinnamon and brown sugar), and a movie (Lilo and Stitch).