Early Resolutions

Haha oh man, I totally wrote out this great blog and WHOOPS forgot I can't post to blogspot using Chrome (yeah, go figure). So that didn't get saved. Boy do I feel stupid.

What a fitting twist though with how . I guess this isn't really a full disclosure blog (as I'm trying to do here normally) but more of a pseudo-associative exercise in working out some thoughts. Just roll with me here.

In a nutshell, 2011 was a horrible, ridiculous, stupid year (yes, I recognize blaming a calender year as bad luck is silly, but it just seemed so perfectly planned against me). I faced my own mortality, let go of some important people, and wrestled with new facets of my depression while fritzing around with new medications (Super serious aside you guys, suicidal thoughts are nasty business - it's like a really persuasive voice in your head and you just keep seeing it or thinking about it over and over again so...ya know...if you have a friend that seems a bit down you should probably talk to them about it. It helps to get that nonsense out.). I was also a really grumpy bitch to people for absolutely no reason and I'm not proud of that and oh my god the crying. I dealt with some deep-seeded issues with bullying and felt the frustration of not being able to comfort family and friends during a tragedy. I learned the let down of a goal half a decade in the making first hand, and I realized that maybe the place I had been trying to make my home isn't where I belonged at all. I came to the horrifying realization that somewhere in the last year I lost the capacity to dream - to reach out for future goals and ambitions. Where did all my ambition go? Have I accomplished everything I'm going to? Is this a product of some mental disturbance or do I need to just suck it up and grow a backbone? I mean, I get it how whiny this post sounds. I hate incessent whining and I hate being a hypocrite but dammit this does not feel normal. Did all of this happen after the wreck, or was it slowly creeping beforehand? I don't even remember.

I was really hurt in ways I hadn't thought possible by two people I had loved and trusted, even if we weren't the best at keeping in contact. In reading a message today in which I was told I was no longer considered a friend for reasons that really don't even make sense to me, I felt sad. I boohoo'd and wondered the how-could-theys and what's-going-ons and the usual thought process in hearing that a long time best friend wanted nothing to do with you. I wanted to feel really bitter, and I still do a bit. But what good will that do? Maybe people don't want to associate with me for a reason (see super bitch grumpus). Where is the after-school learning experience in just throwing a pity party? How would thinking that people are only out there to hurt you solve anything? Is that what I'm going to believe, that people are just a bunch of selfish assholes?

Nope. Steeled my resolve to be obnoxiously optimistic yet annoyingly cynical in all the right ways instead.

In all fairness, 2011, the year of the Rabbit (it was supposed to be my year) wasn't ALL bad. Yeah I gained weight and relapses and all that personal nonsense but there was some amazing stuff too. I spent a week camping in one of the most beautiful, unique places on earth. I spent another week with family in a place that someday I might call home, even for a year or two. I graduated (finally), and that's pretty awesome. Also, ya know, Skyrim. My family and friends are, for the most part, happy and healthy and living out their own dreams. I have a roof over my head and clothes to wear and food to eat. I will probably never, ever suffer the way many people in this world will, and I recognize that. But man this year sucked (full disclosure: this post does not give full disclosure on wtf went on this year). Hell, I can even rationalize that all of the trials and tribulations over the year, caused by my own shortcomings or otherwise, was all a crash course in rectifying my emotional growth. Dude, becoming so sure that the world is out to get you - man, that is not cool. But letting a bad run of events get you down - not only is that not cool, but kinda lame. I'm lame.

So here's to 2012 and the rest of my life. Time to peace out 2011 and make all those resolutions: get more sleep, eat better, meditate more, grow a backbone and take more risks. Most importantly, keep believing that things will work out even if it means just believing that someday I'll actually believe it (does that even make sense?). And here's the thing - why wait for a few days for midnight? Why tell  myself that I'll start tomorrow? Nothing is stopping me from starting right this very second, and I'm ashamed to say nothing was stopping me in April, or in June, or November, or earlier today. I'm starting right now to undo all the damage this year has caused. Starting right. this. minute.

Ah, ah see what I did there? It started all like "oh bitchy bitch whine fest" and then ended up resolving to be awesome. But no, seriously. LET'S DO THIS!