My Only Marketable Skill is to Occupy Space

If you're cool, you know that the title of this blog is a Futurama quote (and one of my favorite ones to use in self-deprecating humor). If you're not cool, and you didn't know that, now you do.

Don't worry, this blog isn't going to be about how I'm not good at anything. You all know that (haha!). No, this post is just gonna be about where I'm going from here.

I have no friggin clue.

Mere hours ago I submitted my final draft shark manuscript to the International Journal of Comparative Psychology for a special issue on animal behavior in zoos and aquariums. IF they decide to publish it then I can officially start my CV (I mean, I could now, but where's the fun in that?). Still doesn't mean a whole lot if I don't have a job, though.

And I don't just want "a job". I don't want to start a career that I'm half excited about. I want a career that becomes a lifestyle - that makes me think I'm the luckiest person in the world because I get to do that everyday. More and more I find myself questioning what, exactly, that dream job is.

Wildlife photography still looks pretty glamorous even though I'm in no way qualified for it. Research....research and I are in a rocky relationship right now. Something happened in college that...well, for lack of a better term, made me fall out of love with science.

I love natural history. I love the idea of going to a place where few have gone before and just observing my surroundings; discovering things that can't,or shouldn't have to be, quantified with a million different statistical tests. I like the idea that Adventurer or Explorer could be put on a resume or business card. I don't think those jobs exist, however...at least not now. I know, I could be super ambitious and find a way to do these things that involve struggling to keep things together just to fulfill a mockery of a dream - but it would be just that; a random assortment of temporary jobs and means to pay bills in order to possibly do something I find fun - learning for curiosity's sake.

I don't want that. I want consistency. I don't want to have to struggle for my passion because for all the things I romanticize I am practical about how hard one should have to work when there could be a better way of doing so.

Example: I could join the Peace Corps, and then do the Jet Program. Both are things I've wanted to do, both would be extremely fulfilling in their own right, both would allow me to see the world. Both also mean I would be barely scraping by, and both assuredly mean I would spend a few more years having to make new friends, leave them, not be in one place long enough or in the right environment to settle down and start a life of my own. Even if I could become a Professional Adventurer, that means I would have to sacrifice routine. I need a little bit of routine.

The past six years, I haven't stayed in one place consecutively for more than 11 months. People come and go, my schedule changes, my circumstances change, my environment itself changes. And in many ways I love this; I love being filled with wanderlust. I believe...I KNOW I'm living an amazing life. But at the same time I have my own ideas about what it means to finally grow up - and having a place of my own to call home is one of those things.

Part of me wonders if, subconsciously, I'm just stalling.

But I still love nature; I love animals, I love the Earth, I love learning new things and new skills and experiencing different ways of life. I love the idea that what I'm doing with my life at any given moment is making the world better - I need to pursue a career in something that matters. That makes a difference. Because otherwise, what's the point? Conservation will always be a part of my life.

If I could get a job where, like, someone said "hey, Erin, we know absolutely nothing about this ecosystem in this remote location....we need you to go out there and observe. Just sit there and figure it out. How everything interacts, why they interact like that. Do that and we'll pay you so you can buy groceries and pay bills and whatnot." That would be great.

I want to make it clear, boys and girls, that I'm not turned off by science because of icky statistics. No, I'm turned off by the idea that before you do the fun stuff, you not only have to form your hypothesis but also model how you're going to study something. I understand the Scientific Method. I understand the reasons behind controlling variables and bias. I just think that personally I would much prefer to discover something, observe it, and draw my studies on it based around it - not making one facet of said observation fit neatly into my structured study. I feel that way of doing science has become antiquated (for many good reasons, actually). I'm not turned off by the fact that it's hard work and sometimes the work sucks but it's worth it in the end - no, actually, I love a good challenge - I guess I can't put into words what exactly has disillusioned me.

Maybe it'll come back to me, though, if the right job, the right grad program, the right whatever, comes to me. I need to keep my eyes peeled. I've been checking various natural history museums for openings in this and that - seems as good a place as any to start.

So....what is it I'm trying to say? What's the point that I'm making? That I don't know what I want to do with my life? That I don't even know where I belong, or what should come next? That maybe sometimes all I want is to meet Tom Hiddleston a nice boy and settle down before I turn 40 and realize my interpersonal relationships suck because I can't stay in one spot for X amount of months? Yeah I guess...but also maybe I need to push myself a little harder, try everything that I can, to get to the place I need to be.

Or maybe, I need to figure out how to live in this moment, to stop planning ahead and planning my next step because I'll only wind up going somewhere and leaving as I plan beyond that. Let pieces fall where they may, let things come to me. I need to make my mind stop over-thinking. I don't know how. I don't know how to enjoy right now. Instead, I plan ahead and envision tons of different scenarios and timelines and lifestyles and things to come - I indulge in escapism, and end up disappointed.

Life is weird, you guys.


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Bonus! Proof that this is not a self-deprecating post: I made a list of things that I'm good at and that I like about me:

I dream big.

I type fast.

I’m empathetic and compassionate.

I’m very good at pop culture and trivia.

I love to sing, even when I sing badly

I like almost everything and am easy to get along with

I’ve learned that I can always try again tomorrow.

I learn from my mistakes.

I have a cute nose.

My eyes are beautiful.

I am loveable.

I am funny.

I have a good incidental memory when it comes to conversations.

I love to love.
I am a good hugger.
My toes are not gross looking. 
I am good at portmanteaus. 
Cats like me.
I do not get hangovers from beer
I will never spend more than $15 for a t-shirt (I'm looking at you, Gwyneth Paltrow!)
I would probably make a good actress because I can memorize lines and I make funny faces and if I try really hard I can make myself cry on cue. At least community theater. (I'm kidding, you guys. Anyone can do community theater...kidding again!) 
I recognize humorous context is hard to convey in a written format. 
I can wiggle my ears.