Avengers: Stray Observations

Tonight I watched the Avengers...again. The wonderful thing about watching a movie for the second, third, fourth, etc. time is finding new things to look at and analyze. My attention, while still on the film, was free to notice little things and imagine scenarios playing out that the movie missed out on. I had so many of these moments that I decided to compile them. WARNING: Spoilers ahead. Like majorly. 

• Thor captures Loki and fights with Tony and Steve in what looks like Yosemite. If so, the National Park Service is going to be PISSED when they find the damage. I imagine the ghost of John Muir coming out of the woods and being all like "what the hell, guys?". I would also pay to see a sequel in which the ghost of John Muir is an Avenger...since apparently Ant-man, Wolverine, and Spidey can't get no love (granted the latter two were only recent additions). 

• There are so many squee moments during the movie (you know, the kind of fangirlish - or boy, I'm not gonna judge - moments that make you go omgomgomg!) but my favorite, aside from the slow zoom on Chris Evans' butt, is probably the moment during the climactic battle where the camera shows the Avengers coming together as a team and working as a unit (Thor jumping on the thing's back to assist the Hulk, Iron Man and Cap's super cool laser beam trick). I love it when things come together. 

• I don't care if you think Whedon's dialogue is bad (I'm looking at you, Eli, you crazy person)...he has a strong sense of character development. That is why I've found it odd when people's complaints with the movie include "hurrr hurrr its nothing but action sequences and no development". Whedon is a master of telling a backstory and creating a sense of a character's being in a short amount of time; the trick is you have to pay attention to nuances and not just spoken dialogue. This is why I can't multitask while watching Buffy, Angel, or Firefly - I'd miss out on critical information in a split second. 

• Iron Man, after completing his Jonah and the Whale escapade, landed next to the Shawarma place he described soon after. 

• Was that an engagement ring on Pepper Potts' finger at the end of the movie? IT WAS, WASN'T IT??? Squeeee! 

• There is clearly a populated area directly below the carrier in the scene where Tony is fixing the engine. They probably aren't a fan of all the debris falling from the sky. 

• I still like to imagine that Peter Parker and the Fantastic Four were sitting in their respective locales in New York City and watching the events unfold on TV...first reacting all like "what the hell is going on?" and then "eh....these guys seem to have it under control."  Meanwhile, the X-Men are just glad they are upstate in Rochester..."oh man, sorry you guys...we were TOTALLY going to come help but, ya know, taking the X-Jet just wasn't fuel efficient and by the time we rented a van you guys pretty much had it taken care of..."

• I realize I'm asking too much from a movie whose sole purpose is to mash together superheros, but the thing I love most about Marvel is the comprehensive sense of awareness (yes, I know D.C. also does it, yadda yadda Supes and Batman are BFFs forever, but Marvel has always made their universe come alive better, IMO)...but I would have liked to seen an acknowledgement thrown to the other big wigs in the Marvel Universe. I don't need a cameo, and I understand red tape nightmares even within their own franchise, but it would have been pretty sweet to at least acknowledge that the Avengers weren't the only superheroes. And yes, I DID take note of Fury's offhand comment about "others out there that we can't control". I just like to ask a lot in terms of fandom. 

• I teared up at the part where Tony calls Pepper while he was routing the nuke into space. Deep inside I knew Whedon wouldn't (couldn't, or else Iron Man 3 would be pretty short) kill off Iron Man, but....you never know. Props to Whedon for keeping his character killing to a minimum -only poor Coulson felt his wrath. I imagine Agent Coulson is in Whedon heaven playing dinosaurs with Wash. 

• Uh....Mr. Policeman...how do you not know who Captain freaking America is? If a man that fabulously handsome wearing a ridiculous suit that only he can manage to pull off, you do not wait for him to punch a bunch of aliens in the face. He clearly is the real deal. 

• It's already been said by everyone ever, but Mark Ruffalo really did a spot on job with Bruce Banner.  Not that I found Edward Norton bad - I believe he would have done just as well with Whedon directing, but considering things fell through with him Ruffalo really stepped up. I loved how awkward he was in a true science nerd fashion. 

• Sprecking of which, characterization really shone through with Banner and the Hulk. One question (and criticism) I've seen come up is why didn't the Hulk rationalize his thoughts aboard the carrier like he did in NYC? I've decided that Banner's story arc was about control and acceptance. During the course of the movie he makes it clear that he resents "the other guy", that he is very aware of the danger of letting the Hulk loose, and is resentful of him for stealing his life away. Tony even lectures him on how such a burden becomes a part of someone, and they must accept it. Banner shows up in NYC on his little motorbike (which for some reason I find adorably hilarious) ready for action and voluntarily turns into the Hulk - by accepting this other part of him, he finally has control of him. That's what I got out of it, anyway. 

• For funsies, I'll go into my other character arc observations since that argument that the movie lacks it really pisses me off. Steve, still upset about his future robbed from him and lost in a time he doesn't quite understand, or even want to understand, feels lost. From receiving orders to discovering the the intention behind Phase 2 and Tony's snide comment about "everything that's special about you came from a bottle", all he feels like is a soldier in a battle he has no control of. Coulson's idealism as well as his own initiative to step up during the NYC battle puts him in his rightful place as not only the personification of courage, kindness, and strength but also as the leader of the Avengers. Tony's selfless act of putting the nuke through the portal, knowing he was probably going to die doing so, negated his previous bad habit of making things about him and how these things affected him. He realized there was no way out and couldn't just "cut the wire" this time, and yet he did it anyway. He also had a prime opportunity to take a cheap shot at Loki with an expected witticism once he rose from the streets in his new suit, but instead made it abundantly clear that Loki would be held accountable for Coulson's death. Natasha and Clint didn't really have much of an arc so much as a look into their already formed characters - what they mean to each other, how their pasts have affected their current situation. It was clear, though, that despite how she played it off some of what Loki said got to Natasha and that is why she was ready to become a soldier. I found out recently that Clint is, in the comics, mostly deaf...so, ya know, I guess that's interesting. Thor didn't really have much development but considering all the growing up he did in his own movie I guess it could slide. He did, as Loki pointed out, retain a constant sense of sentimentality that kept him trying to reason with his brother instead of straight up murdering his ass. It is implied that this will always be the case. How sweet. 

• You guys, how friggin sweet was Natasha's jump off of Cap's shield onto that flying thingy? It looked like fun. 

• If you work for S.H.I.E.L.D. and are a female (or Hawkeye, apparently) you MUST wear the standard uniform catsuit. Caleb said any organization that Natasha is a member of that doesn't require a catsuit should be burned to the ground. Psh. 

• Those fly-y thingies that shot out the alien troopers is clearly a living thing, or at least a weapon made up of organic matter - when the Hulk causes one to explode, you see viscera and things flying about. So do the alien soldiers live inside them, or are those umbilical cords on the soldiers when they come shooting out of it onto the buildings? 

• Alexis Denisof as the Other. It didn't even sound like him (modulation aside). I honestly had a hard time paying attention to those scenes because I kept reciting his lines in my head as said by my favorite loser rogue demon hunter turned badass Wesley Wyndam-Pryce.

• Speaking of Buffyverse, Whedon looooooves those shots of a giant area being engulfed into a pit of doom while a vehicle full of people drive away, barely missing the destruction. Also, the "you lack conviction" speech Coulson gives to Loki was TOTALLY in an episode of Angel. Like, nearly verbatim. 

• The S.H.I.E.L.D. bosses can't be taken seriously. Why? Because it looks like they're trying to recreate the Guild of Calamitous Intent. Just throw David Bowie as the Sovereign in there and suddenly this becomes a Venture Brothers vehicle. Which I would watch forever, especially considering Rusty Venture is definitely Tony Stark in the darkest timeline. 

• Suiting up for the major battle! Hell yeah! Wait...is Natasha putting on a Nintendo Power Glove?

• The "tink" sound when Loki tries to corrupt Tony's heart is the icing on the hilarity cake. 

• WTF is "dark power", Loki? Quit making up things. But no, really, Thor...you're not even going to take a second to pop on over to Jane and tell her hello? I mean it was pretty well established at the end of Thor that she was never going to stop looking for him. That's cold, man. 

• Directed by Joss Whedon. Screenplay by Joss Whedon. Produced by Joss Whedon. A Joss Whedon film. Starring: Joss Whedon. Music by Joss Whedon. Catering by Joss Whedon Problematic Foods Inc. Visual Effects by Joss Whedon. No Joss Whedons were harmed in the making of this Joss Whedon. 

Lastly, look at this picture. LOOK AT IT! Tom Hiddleston Loki Squee! 

This "list" might be updated as I think over other stuffs...but please, feel free to add your own observations! 

Storybrooke! Y U NO MAKE SENSE?

Finally, finally, I'm catching up on Once Upon a Time. It was one of the few shows I actually watched in Tampa (that's really saying something) and there's a certain irony that I haven't kept up with it now that I have literally every hour of every day free. Because I made this blog post like, the most popular status of all time on facebook, I figured I better follow through and jot my concerns down. Also, for the record, I'm fairly certain I could have written a post on how I just sprouted wings and it wouldn't have gotten nearly as many likes. I'm just sayin.

A few things about Storybrooke, the town in Maine where all the story book characters live in modern day, have been on my mind. I'd like to bring up some of these points because, honestly, I can't be the only one who's wondered wtf is going on with this town. 

And yes, I'm taking into consideration that I should repeat to myself "it's just a show, I should really just relax"...but, ya know, free time and all that. 

The first thing that strikes me is the obvious; the characters of Storybrooke can't leave their town or else horrible things happen. No one ever comes to Storybrooke. Okay fair (and ominous) enough. However, 

where are the shops getting their supplies? The people their clothes?The episode with Hansel and Gretel clearly showed a modern day convenience store and not some little old timey general store. Do they have their own self sustaining community with power plants and water treatment facilities? I understand the town has been in some sort of stasis since the curse began, but how long ago was that? How are they keeping up on current trends? Who is supplying the town with gasoline? WHO IS DISTRIBUTING PRODUCT TO THIS PLACE? I know it's relatively minor given the plot, but honestly - if you're going to have the whole secrecy and captivity thing going on, at least be more subtle about modern globalization and distribution of goods. Or, ya know, magic. Whatever. 

This led to a whole host of other questions. If Storybrooke is a town conceived from a curse (again, at an indeterminate time), then has Storybrooke always existed before Maine was even a thing, or was it just kinda dropped there? I feel like the State of Maine isn't even aware of it's existence (most likely due to all the vampires and aliens and whatnot Stephen King always writes about - I'm certain that takes up a good deal of attention with the state government). So if that's the case, because the whole nobody leaves and nobody comes, did the Curse take into account government records? If not, then Storybrooke isn't even legally recognized as a part of the United States of America. Think about it. Regina's empty threats at legal action against whatever is pissing her off that week are laughable when you realize that the attention on the town drawn from said action will cause an uproar warranting further investigation. Did the Curse plan to cover it's tracks with the whole no one enters, no one leaves thing? Good job, Rumpelstiltskin...didn't count on the power of bureaucracy, did you? When things get really heated and shit goes down that simply can't be ignored, I'd like a cutaway scene of some very confused government officials going "Holy shit...has that place always been there?" 

Finally, and this has been increasingly annoying since I first noticed this, does Regina even KNOW what a mayor is supposed to do? She butts into everyone's business and then threatens with this and that - all under the principle "I'm the mayor hurr hurr". Her mayoral plot device (which no one questions, ever) has made her  character not so much antagonistic as just plain obnoxious. I want to punch her in her stupid face every time I see her in a scene because she clearly disregards local government (seriously? Didn't think about getting that $40,000 playground budget approved?) but also common decency. She's that friend that every popular girl in jr. high had that would get into everyone else's business and defend her friend's honor by provoking confrontation...despite the fact she literally has nothing to do with it. Corruption charges alone (using local police for frivolous tasks while on duty) should have her resignation and arrest. Emma, if she was even a real sheriff and not one in the wild west cowboy sense, would have noticed this if she was actually trained at her job. Which she's not, because she's upholding questionable laws in a town not even legally recognized itself. Facepalms for everyone! Unless that was Regina's plan all along; kill off Graham not because he is turning loyalties but instead take the risk of putting someone grossly incompetent on the job. 

Wait, jk on the finally, I just had a new thought. Clearly people can die in Storybrooke (Graham, possibly Kathyrine) but is it limited to intentional death or does life continue and end naturally? If Granny kicked the bucket, would it affect the Curse? Also, lol wut Lewis Carroll characters? Next they'll have Dorothy and Toto showing up. Throw in a few of Tolkien's hobbits while you're at it. That was just an observation to the fact that this town is small as hell - how do these people not know one another??

I know this seems like a lot of meaningless questions but honestly these all run through my mind every episode in about the span of a minute. Anyway, I'm not really criticizing the show but thought I'd get these important matters off my mind. 

Tales from Unemployment

Three months already? Good gracious - that's like 3 months spent doing nothing. A fourth of a year. No wonder I'm going insane. 3 months, that is, since I graduated. Slacking off is not as awesome as I thought it would be.

I mean, I knew it wouldn't be easy finding a job after graduation and 3 months is a drop in the bucket for a lot of people. So, count my blessings and all that. It's not so bad living at home. So instead of complaining about how none of the 50 or so applications I've thrown out have gotten a bite I'll just fill everyone in on the life and times of Erin (post graduation edition).

I never expected I would travel as much as I did. Already in 2012 I've been to Houston, vacationed twice in Tampa, took an impromptu weekend in the Smokies, and spent an amazing week in Honduras. I've already outlined most of my trip to El Progreso on Facebook (that's a hint to look at my damn photos. Or, you know, you could ask me about it yourself) but if you REALLY want to be awesome, check out the Students Helping Honduras website (and donate to my page!!). Met some really awesome kids, too. The most surreal thing, actually, is how much I learned to love Tampa when I was there as a visitor. I actually walked downtown and enjoyed the sites. Gasparilla was actually eventful. I actually got to see my friends and hang out with them! Man, I had been missing out.

I've also had a lot of time for introspection. Tonight, I'm cooking some fancy foodstuffs - chicken with garlic and caper sauce and cauliflower and broccoli casserole. Look at me being fancy! I've even thought about breaking out the sewing machine and trying my hand at that again. And, of course, in the meantime I've been applying for anything that catches me eye; jobs at national parks, jobs at zoos, internships - I'd really like to get involved with some research, but there's that childhood dream that is insistent on husbandry. I miss St. Louis a lot; I really wish I could just get my foot in the door in an animal program down there. In the mean time, I've done the one thing I vowed I would not - substitute teach in the meantime. Not that I'm against teaching but ah hell, I'm watching Trading Places right now and forgot about the scene where Dan Akroyd is in black face and now I've lost my train of thought. Anyway, also have been looking into the Illinois Department of Resources for volunteer stuffs.

That was a weird paragraph.

And hey! Been catching up on my reading list, too. I finally read the Hunger Games. At the risk of being burned alive, I have to say that it was great but not amazing. The writing style really took me out of the experience (granted, it's supposed to be a young adult novel) but honestly, for a book that was touted to be a great story of dystopian unrest I found the tributes very complacent with their fate. Too many awkward sentences about kissing and not enough dialogue between characters setting a stage for revolution. Thankfully, the plot was intriguing enough that these were only minor complaints. Could have used more exploding collars, maybe a tribute who won the games before but was competing again for fun, and a disgruntled gym teacher. I also realized that by and large most kids today are going to grow up without knowing or at least understanding Calvin and Hobbes.

Oh yeah, and I turned 25. Spent most of the day at a wedding so that was kind of a bust (for me, not for them. It was really a lovely wedding and reception). People forgetting my birthday aside, I went out that night with some old friends from high school, my brudda, and my cousins for some drinks and all was right with the world. Discovered that wearing high heels makes me a slave to men (according to the bar bathroom), and that there is a beer called a Flying Dog Double Dog with an 11.5% alcohol content. But no, really, if you forgot my birthday, I'm not bitter or anything. Really.

Did you make it through all of that boring catch up? Awesome. Anyway, the point is I guess I'm struggling to find a way to make every day count while literally, LITERALLY having nothing of real importance to do. I'm struggling to figure out what exactly my next moves are and figuring out why I'm so damn stressed because I feel like one wrong move will ruin my chances for - I don't know what. What am I trying to do again? Aside from checking my e-mail obsessively every 5 minutes (no lie) hoping for even an acknowledgement that someone has read an application, waiting for "real life" is agonizing. I'm 25 and I still feel like this can't be it. Words of advice are greatly appreciated. Job offers even more so.

Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success...flat stretches of boring routine...and valleys of frustration and failure.

Here's to hoping tomorrow will be fruitful!

Gone the Way of the Amity 3: A goodbye letter to Jaws.

I can't believe I forgot today (well, yesterday) was the 2nd of January already. Upon realization, I went into mourning as I remembered a place, an entity, I loved so dearly would be closing it's docks forever.

Jaws (the attraction at Universal Studios) is no more (unless you go to Japan). As unweildy as that sentence was, it's the truth.

Jaws was saved once in 2005 despite the cost of fueling the attraction. Not long after, I began the "theme park" era of my life, and Jaws played a small, but still significant, role in those memories. The times I had ridden as a guest on Captain Jake's boat tours as a child I had been somewhat scared of the shark; as I got older and especially as I became a local I grew to love its dated but endearing demeanor. Word must have gotten out about the fish episode or else Captain Jake and all the other businesses wouldn't be closing up shop. I'm sorry I wasn't there to say goodbye. Whenever I pretend to be in fake shock, I will remember Jaws fondly.

The funny thing about Jaws closing is that actually I've decided to completely, finally, put my theme park life behind me. Most of my friends have moved on -despite the ferverent promises of keeping in touch - and we've all sort of drifted apart. Things change, and that includes places where our realites and disbeliefs are suspended on a daily basis. It's fitting that I can mark this time in my life with such an occasion...even if it is a bit melodramatic (also appropriate). I can almost bookmark that part of my life with the resurrection and final death of a theme park attraction in which a fake shark is shot at multiple times with a grenade launcher. Give me awhile and see if I can work that into some kind of metaphor.

Of course I can't say much else on how it changed my life. I can't say that its closing has affected me the way other attractions closings have (Wonders of Life! NOOOOOO!), and I certainly can't speak for the Skippers who worked there. Most of the Skippers that had the pleasure of my captive attention were excellent, even if they were obvious veterans of the attraction, and for them I say thank you. For funsies I post the below video (made in honor of the re-opening of the attraction in 2005).
I know a lot of the Skippers, past and present, through good and bad, must be looking back on the time they spent there. Unless they didn't know it was closing, then they probably aren't. I mean, it didn't really make national headlines or anything. I digress. Thanks, Skippers, for being funny and putting energy into making the ride enjoyable for guests. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever comes next.

Sadly, Jaws closing also means there will be plenty of ladies who will never be proposed to by their deadbeat boyfriends stuck in the 1990s. The great thing is, though, that if you got the reference in the previous sentence then it's easy to understand the cultural impact of Jaws as an attraction. To say it was no longer relevent I believe is a total lie and I swear if some other Harry Potter attraction or whatever crap Dreamworks is spewing out ends up filling the void that is Amity, I will be so pissed.

I don't really know how to make this blog drop into gear and go anywhere, so I will close on my promised goodbye letter.

Dear Jaws,

When I first heard you were closing down for good I was angry. Then I was sad, and then reasoned that surely more time will be bought, just like for Back to the Future, for fans to say goodbye. Then I graduated and left Florida and kinda forgot and I know that makes me a really bad person and I apologize. Then I also forgot that today was the 2nd and I had this great plan to change my facebook to something fitting and...yeah, that fell through.
I will miss your cheesy wonderfulness, and your hokey yet hilarious queue video. I will always cringe in terror whenever I see a barrel full of water tipping precariously. I will still recite various quotes whenever I see fitting. I will rue the fact that I never got one of those Amity Swim Team t shirts because dammit I love things with details like that. Most of all, on cold, cold days in Illinois, I will fondly remember the warmth of hundreds of dollars of fuel burning my face. I will miss you, Jaws, and I pray your burnt, lacerated,corpse (I mean that in the most loving way possible) will find peace as a relic somewhere public so that others will reflect. Thanks for taking something so silly so seriously, and thanks for bringing me and my friends and family lots of joy. You have become a legend in your own time.

Calling off the Marines,

-Erin

Early Resolutions

Haha oh man, I totally wrote out this great blog and WHOOPS forgot I can't post to blogspot using Chrome (yeah, go figure). So that didn't get saved. Boy do I feel stupid.

What a fitting twist though with how . I guess this isn't really a full disclosure blog (as I'm trying to do here normally) but more of a pseudo-associative exercise in working out some thoughts. Just roll with me here.

In a nutshell, 2011 was a horrible, ridiculous, stupid year (yes, I recognize blaming a calender year as bad luck is silly, but it just seemed so perfectly planned against me). I faced my own mortality, let go of some important people, and wrestled with new facets of my depression while fritzing around with new medications (Super serious aside you guys, suicidal thoughts are nasty business - it's like a really persuasive voice in your head and you just keep seeing it or thinking about it over and over again so...ya know...if you have a friend that seems a bit down you should probably talk to them about it. It helps to get that nonsense out.). I was also a really grumpy bitch to people for absolutely no reason and I'm not proud of that and oh my god the crying. I dealt with some deep-seeded issues with bullying and felt the frustration of not being able to comfort family and friends during a tragedy. I learned the let down of a goal half a decade in the making first hand, and I realized that maybe the place I had been trying to make my home isn't where I belonged at all. I came to the horrifying realization that somewhere in the last year I lost the capacity to dream - to reach out for future goals and ambitions. Where did all my ambition go? Have I accomplished everything I'm going to? Is this a product of some mental disturbance or do I need to just suck it up and grow a backbone? I mean, I get it how whiny this post sounds. I hate incessent whining and I hate being a hypocrite but dammit this does not feel normal. Did all of this happen after the wreck, or was it slowly creeping beforehand? I don't even remember.

I was really hurt in ways I hadn't thought possible by two people I had loved and trusted, even if we weren't the best at keeping in contact. In reading a message today in which I was told I was no longer considered a friend for reasons that really don't even make sense to me, I felt sad. I boohoo'd and wondered the how-could-theys and what's-going-ons and the usual thought process in hearing that a long time best friend wanted nothing to do with you. I wanted to feel really bitter, and I still do a bit. But what good will that do? Maybe people don't want to associate with me for a reason (see super bitch grumpus). Where is the after-school learning experience in just throwing a pity party? How would thinking that people are only out there to hurt you solve anything? Is that what I'm going to believe, that people are just a bunch of selfish assholes?

Nope. Steeled my resolve to be obnoxiously optimistic yet annoyingly cynical in all the right ways instead.

In all fairness, 2011, the year of the Rabbit (it was supposed to be my year) wasn't ALL bad. Yeah I gained weight and relapses and all that personal nonsense but there was some amazing stuff too. I spent a week camping in one of the most beautiful, unique places on earth. I spent another week with family in a place that someday I might call home, even for a year or two. I graduated (finally), and that's pretty awesome. Also, ya know, Skyrim. My family and friends are, for the most part, happy and healthy and living out their own dreams. I have a roof over my head and clothes to wear and food to eat. I will probably never, ever suffer the way many people in this world will, and I recognize that. But man this year sucked (full disclosure: this post does not give full disclosure on wtf went on this year). Hell, I can even rationalize that all of the trials and tribulations over the year, caused by my own shortcomings or otherwise, was all a crash course in rectifying my emotional growth. Dude, becoming so sure that the world is out to get you - man, that is not cool. But letting a bad run of events get you down - not only is that not cool, but kinda lame. I'm lame.

So here's to 2012 and the rest of my life. Time to peace out 2011 and make all those resolutions: get more sleep, eat better, meditate more, grow a backbone and take more risks. Most importantly, keep believing that things will work out even if it means just believing that someday I'll actually believe it (does that even make sense?). And here's the thing - why wait for a few days for midnight? Why tell  myself that I'll start tomorrow? Nothing is stopping me from starting right this very second, and I'm ashamed to say nothing was stopping me in April, or in June, or November, or earlier today. I'm starting right now to undo all the damage this year has caused. Starting right. this. minute.

Ah, ah see what I did there? It started all like "oh bitchy bitch whine fest" and then ended up resolving to be awesome. But no, seriously. LET'S DO THIS!

Let's rap about serious issues: Bullying and the aftermath

Read the title as if you're a middle aged adult in kid clothing or a cartoon character from the 1980s and just follow me on this. Rarely do I find heavy things worth writing about - usually I tend to keep my thoughts to myself and share them only with my private journal.

However, a video circulating my newsfeed on Facebook has really gotten me thinking about times that I don't really think about - or necessarily remember that well - but still affect me deeply to this day. Given recent events that have taken place at home, dialogue has opened up with my parents and a few friends on my own issues with bulling during my teenage years.

Watch this:

I don't have the answers for why kids seem to be getting worse these days, why children are affected so deeply as to take their own lives. All I know is what I, myself went through. I've never really talked about it that much before (other than mentioning that it happened) because I've put most of it behind me.



Once the whole trichotillomania thing kicked in, I spent a good portion of Jr. High and High School as the unpopular girl, the outcast. Everyone in school was insecure about themselves and I became a prime target to vent those insecurities on. Now, I never cut myself. My low pain tolerance and my ever persistant optimistic attitude of "when I get outta here..." kept me from going that route. I did, however, believe that the things everyone said about me was true - because they were. I didn't know how to control my trichotillomania in school, and I refused to wear a wig. I was aware that what I did was weird and unsettling. And I knew I couldn't "just stop". So I believed that I was a freak, that it was perfectly okay for people not to associate with me, that I just plain didn't deserve to feel pretty or happy. I settled into thinking that it was the norm that I would face it every single day. How ugly I felt when I relapsed, and how I just KNEW everyone noticed....because many kids made a point of telling me so. I felt judged every moment of the day and felt that, like Jonah, everyone hated me. It's an indescribable knot that sits in your stomach, a vortex of dread that surrounds you, that feeling.

The funny thing about bullying is that, in my experience, it wasn't just one or two stereotypical bullies who made a habit of focusing on me. It came from every one of my peers, everywhere. It came from stares and whispers behind my back, the mimicry of pulling when people thought I wasn't looking, from the blunt "hurr hurr how about getting some Rogaine", to the sarcastic "she looks SO pretty today" if I attempted to wear something nice. During my transition from a little girl to a young lady I was trained to believe I didn't deserve to be feminine, or to look feminine. I felt the abandonment of my childhood friends distancing themselves from me...and I didn't blame them one bit.

The weird thing is that many of the kids who said and did these things were nice kids. In fact, I'm friends with several of them on facebook and I know how horrified they would be if they remembered. Hell, I probably wasn't so nice to other kids in school myself at some point. My parents could have talked to their parents, but I was reluctant to name names. No one face stands out, and I just felt like it was me vs. everyone anyway. Even then, I learned to keep things to myself. I had gone from an extroverted, loud child who would talk to anyone about anything to the girl who would rather be invisible than noticed...because being noticed was usually a bad thing.

On the other hand, I should point out, things did get better in high school. I had a close group of friends and some good memories. It just wasn't what it was all cracked up to be. Everyone is supposed to be awkward in high school, but I felt like I was the only one.

And the school? I honestly don't think the school could have done anything more than they did. This was also a time, just over a decade ago, where bullying didn't have the limelight it has now. They were aware, and my teachers were the most supportive people I had in school. They still saw my potential and encouraged me to do my best - I could talk to them without fear of being judged. I had a teacher, one who was particuarly known for being stodgy and downright "mean", who pullled me aside my sophomore year and told me I could come to her for anything.

My parents were the greatest support. They sat with me through therapy, witnessed my tears and frustrations at home, and encouraged me that things will get better if I just persist, if I try. I learned never to give up, no matter how desperately I wanted to, simply because quitting was not an option. My mother and father were nothing but supportive and I know how heavily my mental state weighed on their minds. I regret that I made them worry so much on my account. My parents understand all too well what it is like to watch their child get their will broken by bullying on a daily basis, and they were there to pick me up and dust me off. I have become the person I am today because of them.

It's funny how much of a fog, a mental fuzziness, all of this confusion I was in, how it had an impact on my everyday life. I knew never to give up, but I didn't try my hardest. I wasn't eating, then wonder why I was always exhausted even before basketball practice, for example. High school is a confusing time anyway, and trying to sort it all out just made me even crazier. I couldn't focus my thoughts into one place and somehow, subconciously, I became the person everyone painted me as. I stopped caring about a lot of things - my appearance, my interactions, my awareness for how socially awkward I was. It's only been recently that I've started to care again. Going from a little girl to a 24 year old, I have to say those things I missed out on in my teen years are causing for a sharp learning curve now. I'm wearing dresses again, and I think I've finally figured out the basics of make-up. I don't think I'll ever see myself as attractive, or a person people want to be around, but maybe my confidence will grow as I continue to grow up.

The point of this blog, I guess, with the video is that I remember how that kid felt. The loneliness and isolation while feeling like the biggest loser in the world simply because everyone else says so is something I will not ever forget. I felt like everyone hated me simply for existing and being different, and maybe they did. I also know that, with time, they grew up and I grew up. Life does get better, but only if you strive to make it better. Oddly enough, this past year is the first time I've ever dealt with real, vivid suicidal thoughts but I know no matter how intense they get, how easy it seems, I too have a million reasons to be here. It's not time to give up, no matter how burnt out or lost I feel.

In the end all of that stupid bullshit that was said really doesn't mean that much to me. It's how I felt, or how I let it make me feel, or how I percieved my own weirdness and let it define me, that will stick with me. At the end of the day, maybe that's one thing that will make me who I am and I have the choice to make it as positive as I can.

In the words of Conan O'Brien, "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen." So I was never the popular girl, and maybe I'm a bit socially stunted, but I've found that I've also had a pretty kick-ass life so far. And best of all, there's still plenty more to come.

We Could Harmonize For One More Song: thoughts on The Muppets (2011)

Jim would be proud.

That was my thought that best summarizes, after two days of deliberating how to best say it, the experience I had watching the Muppets.

And..um...if you're reading this at all, you personally know me. If there's one thing that you know about me, it's that I'm really socially awkard. I'm sorry. If there's two things you know about me, it's the aforementioned awkwardness AND my strong admiration of Jim Henson. The latter is why it should be of absolutely NO surprise that I'm writing this post. If you plan on seeing the movie, please enjoy. If you aren't so sure, please let me try to convince you to watch it.

I don't know where to begin, really. Do I start with the brilliant writing? The performances of Jason Segel, Amy Adams, and the rest of the cast and cameos? The very Muppet-esque musical numbers produced by Bret McKenzie (of Flight of the Conchords fame)? The familiar yet updated wit in every scene?

How do I explain how much I and every other fan of the Muppets needed this movie? How do I explain that being a fan of the Muppets isn't about thinking foam puppets are cool but about how they bring the best out of each and every one of us?

We've got everything that we need, we can be whatever we wanna be, nothing we can't do, the skies are blue, when it's me and you (and you and you!)

I won't give too much away (despite the fact that what, 4 people are actually going to read this - all of whom have probably already seen the movie) but it's brilliance truly lied in the formatting. Anyone familiar with the original Muppet Show "remembers" the eclectic hosts and performances; silly parodies of contemporary pop culture, the over-the-top musical numbers filled with wit, and those rare but poignant moments that touched our hearts (Bernadette Peters singing "Just One Person" with Robin is always the first to come to mind). The movie follows this format to a T....between laughing so hard I was falling out of my seat there were those few occasions where I teared up and told myself to hold it together.

I won't spoil those moments for you. You'll know them when you see them.

The plot is formulaic and familiar without being trite. The Muppets themselves almost seem to lament their absence from one another and the public eye - this is the first Muppet venture in 12 years, after all. Fourth walls are broken on a regular basis and with my realization in the previous statement, the plot and the characters takes on a new level of meaning for me. Given the grand finale and, well, with the (so far) success of the movie - the Muppets have in a sense managed to go back there someday (see what I did there?).

Except Dr. Honeydew and Beaker at the Large Hadron Collider. Science needs them!

A lot of love clearly went into this project; it's apparent from every aspect that all the major players involved love the Muppets dearly. Watching the movie, you can feel the excitement of being a part of it; from the performances by the actors, the set design, the writing, the music. The timing and energy is that of people involved in something they loved to be a part of and it comes through perfectly. It is the movie that a group of friends with a sense of humor, a Hollywood budget, and something to make the ideal homage to would create - instead of ending up on Youtube, however, it opens with a 97% Certified Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. 

My one complaint (aside from the Cars 2 billboards everywhere) is the lack of Muppet Show regulars that appeared in the old show and movies. However, as I said before, the Muppet Show played on contemporary talent. Perhaps Julie Andrews, Steve Martin, Carol Burnett, Sandy Duncan, Alice Cooper, or John Denver didn't appear (although Alan Arkin of all people DID have a cameo), but Sarah Silverman, Feist, John Krasinski, Neil Patrick Harris, Emily Blunt, Kristen Schaal, Dave Grohl, and Donald Glover did. Well...and Mickey Rooney (maybe he's making a comeback?). My point is that the Muppets are playing by their own rules and I can't really fault them for that simply because I like to be a pop culture hipster (oh, you don't know who Ethel Merman is? What, were you born in the 90's or something?). That being said, I knew the movie was going to be wonderful when the first mention of the original show was the episode with Steve Martin...my favorite episode of all time.

Bret Mckenzie could not have done a more wonderful job with the music (seriously now, go watch Flight of the Conchords and thank me later). The original music is catchy, funny, and sometimes a little bit sad. It's oddly wonderful that for everthing we've come to associate with the Muppets an emotional realism is at the top of the list. "Life's a Happy Song" may just take a place up there with "Rainbow Connection" as a personal anthem for hope - a personal reminder to keep looking up. Kermit and the gang remind us each and every day to be the best people - and Muppets - we can be each and every day. I'm so glad that it never gets old.

I'm sure I'll edit this post heavily down the road when I'm not so stuffed from my Thanksgiving meal (and therefore not in the right frame of mind..so...sleepy...), but long story short: I honestly believe the Muppets succeeded in keeping true to the franchise (although I hate calling it that...it sounds so corporate and everything the Muppets, to me, are not). I believe they suceeded in their comeback although I do not know where they go from here. I just hope they don't wait another decade to give me the third greatest gift (it's laughter, by the way).

The movie touched me (and several of my fellow movie-goers that attended the midnight showing) so much - not just as a fan, or a geek, or an overly emotional person who thinks too much, but as a person leads me back to my original thought.

Jim would have been proud. Even though a different company has ownership of the studio and their names *cough*, his spirit still lives on through this movie. His creations, his most sensational, celebrational, muppetational family still make us laugh, cry, and love, and they proved they CAN do it all again. Yes, he would have been proud.