It's Your Loss Because I AM AWESOME

So this is going to be a rant. Let's just say what it is; a rant about my pissy situation that I feel helpless against. Some of it is going to be vague. That's okay - I don't believe in vaguebooking but I'll sure as hell vagueblog all day long. Some of you clever folks may have actually pieced together what's going on, but only if you stalk my facebook. (As such, it may be up for a week or so since I'll probably get paranoid and take it down. Regardless, writing in a public "forum" is cathartic for me when I'm upset - in case you couldn't tell- so here goes).

I am a pariah in my own "house". This internship was supposed to be amazing. I was supposed to learn. I was supposed to make friends and have fun and do all the things I never had time to do in Tampa. None of that has happened. I took for granted the fact that every other thing I've done like this has been mostly positive experiences.

I don't know where it begins; I wasn't properly trained to do anything. Another intern, one who would leave in 3 weeks, was in charge of showing me the ropes. It was easier for her to say "I'll do it" rather than show me. I put up with it because I figured "hey, I'm an intern, they won't let me slip through the cracks. I'll learn this". Nope. And then I messed up. I don't have common sense nor do I apparently love animals as much as anyone else working there because then I wouldn't have made a mistake. I've owned up to my mistakes, and I've apologized for them. I've worked twice as hard.

The people I work with, a few volunteers and coworkers aside, haven't even tried to get to know me. Nobody, except for one person (one whom I get along with, in fact) has asked what is up with my hair. This is usually the first thing people ask. Really? You don't notice it getting shorter and more sparse? I'm sure you know birds pluck out their feathers when their living situation is stressful. Did you know humans do it, too? Oh, you didn't? That's because you'd rather talk about me when I'm not around rather than just ask me. Thanks. I really appreciate that.

When I enter a room, I'm just ignored. Just glided past, or tersely told "I'll do it". "I'll take care of it later". When I try to do something, I'm undermined. Not corrected, just flat out undermined - if the thing in question is even acknowledged in the first place. It's hostile. And the stupid thing? I like my coworkers. I like my boss. They're good people. I just don't understand what is going on. Our vibes don't mesh or somesuch.

I've never had trouble making friends. Seriously. Never. In school, even during the worst days, I had friends I could count on at least in some capacity. At Disney, I had my roommates, Caite, Tony, Nick, Pete, and everyone else in a matter of weeks. In St. Louis, Eli, Lindsey, Kristan, EB, and I started our own bowling/drinking club. We were awesome and I still love those guys (I had to miss Lindsey's wedding, in fact, yesterday!). Then I made even more friends instantly in St. Louis when I got a summer job at the zoo - Matt, Nicki, Tammi, Kim...hell...EVERYONE in the IN Room. In Tampa I had Georgetta, Danielle, Melissa, Lauren, Adam, Kara, Kaia, Jessica, Andrea, Rachel, etc etc. Even though they came around at different times, I still had at least one person I could hang out with at college. Hell, even in Honduras, when I was there for only a week, I met a ton of amazing people who I would consider to be my friends.

Here? Nobody has tried to be my friend. No one has said "hey Erin, you're new around here...let's go get a drink!" or "let's watch a movie!" and I realize I may be a hypocrite for never offering myself, but I've tried to start conversations and I just. get. shut. down. Every time.

So I've taken refuge in my room, counting down the days til I return to a place that doesn't make me miserable every single second of every single day. Tonight, I leave my room to find ant traps all around my door. Odd. There aren't any ants coming from under my door into the hallway, so what's going on? And I was told I needed to work on MY communication.

Here's the thing - at this point, yes, I'd rather be left alone. I would have quit by now, but I love my job, and quitting means one less person to help around the Sanctuary and with the birds. I don't quit. If they ask me to leave, on the other hand...I'll have my things out of here within a couple hours max. Besides, only four more weeks left.

I can't help but feel, and I know this is what losers say to console themselves, but it's true - that they are the ones missing out.

I'm awesome. I have my ups and downs, and I get really boring when I'm depressed, but if you extend just a little effort to make me feel welcome, a part of the group, even just smile at me once in awhile, you'd find that I'm funny. I'm personable. I'm smart and I can be witty. I like a lot of things, and I bet I like a lot of the things you also like. I'm a great listener and a hard worker. I literally do not hate anyone. I'm helpful to a fault. I am a great friend, and whenever I start to doubt this, I'm reminded that I am because in return I have amazing friends from every chapter of my life. I have had amazing adventures and will continue to do so because I am  an incredible person. If you don't see that, or don't bother to, then why should I waste any of my energy and time trying to get you to come around? I also know how to choose my battles. I will continue to work hard and give my all, but any pretenses of learning and living from this internship have dissolved.

Again, the people I work with are truly wonderful, compassionate, capable people, and I don't resent them for not being my super BFFs. I would have appreciated the effort, though. The thing that irks me is when I'm flat out not told anything or even acknowledged as a human being. I deserve better. In a month I am gone. After I get home, I'm going to St. Louis. I'm going to have coffee at my favorite places, walk around Forest Park, and hang out with my best friend. I'm done with Florida. I believe in signs, and I believe this entire experience is one giant "DEAD END" sign being shoved into my face. Don't stay here, turn around, go the other way. This is not where you belong.

Message received loud and clear. I was worried that I was broken - that whatever knack I have with people was gone. But then I've gotten into contact with people I haven't spoken to in months, maybe longer, and I realize that no, it's not gone. Whomever I'm speaking with....we always pick up right where we left off. So I don't need to worry - wherever I go next (whether it's the Peace Corps, or grad school, or another temporary job) I know I'll meet like-minded individuals who are just as exceptionally amazing as I am. That's what I'm looking forward to. That's what keeps me motivated and optimistic even though this feels like the longest month of my entire life.

Go West, Young Lady, Go West

Uh...so I'm thinking about going west. I'm not sure if I've made that clear or not.

I've really overstayed my welcome with Florida....and although I like where I am, I like where I'm working, and I like the people I've met in the Keys...it still feels off. I'm not functioning correctly. Some things just aren't meshing the way they should. Then again, I've also had a history of bad luck (and relapses, come to think of it) with the Keys in the first place. Hmm.

I can't help but feel it's time for a change of scenery and climate.

Know what else is west of here? St. Louis. There's this part of me that keeps reminding me, like my own personal Navi, that Heeeey Lissssstteeeeeeen remember when you lived in St. Louis and it was freaking awesome and you loved every minute of it? Remember how much you loved walking around Forest Park? Remember how it was so damn easy to make friends there? I do remember. And honestly, I think I would be just as happy if I moved back (although my best friend is moving away from the City! boooo) - unlike with Disney, St. Louis happiness isn't situational. I feel good whenever I visit. I feel at home. I walk around the zoo and meet up with old friends and actually make plans to hang out because that's what friends do. I don't feel hollow whenever I visit Disney or Tampa - like a time traveler who suddenly wound up in the future and there's no place for them anymore. Finding an ecology job in the city would be a real task, though.    I'm not sure I want to do keeping anymore. I mean, I think I would love it, but I also think that if I stick with science and conservation I need to be in the field.

....Which brings me back to the West. Like west West. Like West Coast...although Colorado and Wyoming don't sound so bad, either. But then there's Yosemite, which I instantly fell in love with....and of course it all comes back to employment. It seems NPS jobs are few and far between right now, and few places are hiring research techs. I've bookmarked some natural history museums so I can check their job pages periodically but nothing has turned up yet.

And then there's the issue with Linkedin because I don't even have a professional enough picture to use and I'm kind of scared to network (I'm really bad at it) because I'm afraid people won't remember me or some other irrational fear.

Oh yeah I need to finish my Peace Corps application. I think JET might be out of the picture now - I just don't have the heart to apply like I once did.

So yeah, West. I'm going to send all my positive vibes out that something turns up because at this point that's all I can do.

To offset any unnecessary bitching in this post:

• My friends are freaking amazing. I was thinking about this today - I have 359 friends on facebook and the only reason I can't pare it down more is that every single person, at any given moment, has the possibility that they post something I like or that sparks a conversation or vice versa. I don't collect friends - I keep in touch with them, even if it's something as mundane as a "like". Caring about that many people reminds me how blessed I am to have traveled and met so many wonderful people. 
• I had a dream about Drosophila (fruit flies) last night. Genetics still haunts my dreams, apparently. 
• George the cat is adorable but he drives me crazy what with his escaping shenanigans and his tendency to paw and cry at my door (to be let into my room) at like 3:00 am every night. 
• I made friends with a baby raccoon. 
• I think a Wes Anderson marathon may be in my immediate future
• I'm thinking of joining that there twitter machine...even though I LITERALLY have no idea how it works. (I get the concept, the website confuses me)
• Being really absent minded means I'm a genius, right? 

My Only Marketable Skill is to Occupy Space

If you're cool, you know that the title of this blog is a Futurama quote (and one of my favorite ones to use in self-deprecating humor). If you're not cool, and you didn't know that, now you do.

Don't worry, this blog isn't going to be about how I'm not good at anything. You all know that (haha!). No, this post is just gonna be about where I'm going from here.

I have no friggin clue.

Mere hours ago I submitted my final draft shark manuscript to the International Journal of Comparative Psychology for a special issue on animal behavior in zoos and aquariums. IF they decide to publish it then I can officially start my CV (I mean, I could now, but where's the fun in that?). Still doesn't mean a whole lot if I don't have a job, though.

And I don't just want "a job". I don't want to start a career that I'm half excited about. I want a career that becomes a lifestyle - that makes me think I'm the luckiest person in the world because I get to do that everyday. More and more I find myself questioning what, exactly, that dream job is.

Wildlife photography still looks pretty glamorous even though I'm in no way qualified for it. Research....research and I are in a rocky relationship right now. Something happened in college that...well, for lack of a better term, made me fall out of love with science.

I love natural history. I love the idea of going to a place where few have gone before and just observing my surroundings; discovering things that can't,or shouldn't have to be, quantified with a million different statistical tests. I like the idea that Adventurer or Explorer could be put on a resume or business card. I don't think those jobs exist, however...at least not now. I know, I could be super ambitious and find a way to do these things that involve struggling to keep things together just to fulfill a mockery of a dream - but it would be just that; a random assortment of temporary jobs and means to pay bills in order to possibly do something I find fun - learning for curiosity's sake.

I don't want that. I want consistency. I don't want to have to struggle for my passion because for all the things I romanticize I am practical about how hard one should have to work when there could be a better way of doing so.

Example: I could join the Peace Corps, and then do the Jet Program. Both are things I've wanted to do, both would be extremely fulfilling in their own right, both would allow me to see the world. Both also mean I would be barely scraping by, and both assuredly mean I would spend a few more years having to make new friends, leave them, not be in one place long enough or in the right environment to settle down and start a life of my own. Even if I could become a Professional Adventurer, that means I would have to sacrifice routine. I need a little bit of routine.

The past six years, I haven't stayed in one place consecutively for more than 11 months. People come and go, my schedule changes, my circumstances change, my environment itself changes. And in many ways I love this; I love being filled with wanderlust. I believe...I KNOW I'm living an amazing life. But at the same time I have my own ideas about what it means to finally grow up - and having a place of my own to call home is one of those things.

Part of me wonders if, subconsciously, I'm just stalling.

But I still love nature; I love animals, I love the Earth, I love learning new things and new skills and experiencing different ways of life. I love the idea that what I'm doing with my life at any given moment is making the world better - I need to pursue a career in something that matters. That makes a difference. Because otherwise, what's the point? Conservation will always be a part of my life.

If I could get a job where, like, someone said "hey, Erin, we know absolutely nothing about this ecosystem in this remote location....we need you to go out there and observe. Just sit there and figure it out. How everything interacts, why they interact like that. Do that and we'll pay you so you can buy groceries and pay bills and whatnot." That would be great.

I want to make it clear, boys and girls, that I'm not turned off by science because of icky statistics. No, I'm turned off by the idea that before you do the fun stuff, you not only have to form your hypothesis but also model how you're going to study something. I understand the Scientific Method. I understand the reasons behind controlling variables and bias. I just think that personally I would much prefer to discover something, observe it, and draw my studies on it based around it - not making one facet of said observation fit neatly into my structured study. I feel that way of doing science has become antiquated (for many good reasons, actually). I'm not turned off by the fact that it's hard work and sometimes the work sucks but it's worth it in the end - no, actually, I love a good challenge - I guess I can't put into words what exactly has disillusioned me.

Maybe it'll come back to me, though, if the right job, the right grad program, the right whatever, comes to me. I need to keep my eyes peeled. I've been checking various natural history museums for openings in this and that - seems as good a place as any to start.

So....what is it I'm trying to say? What's the point that I'm making? That I don't know what I want to do with my life? That I don't even know where I belong, or what should come next? That maybe sometimes all I want is to meet Tom Hiddleston a nice boy and settle down before I turn 40 and realize my interpersonal relationships suck because I can't stay in one spot for X amount of months? Yeah I guess...but also maybe I need to push myself a little harder, try everything that I can, to get to the place I need to be.

Or maybe, I need to figure out how to live in this moment, to stop planning ahead and planning my next step because I'll only wind up going somewhere and leaving as I plan beyond that. Let pieces fall where they may, let things come to me. I need to make my mind stop over-thinking. I don't know how. I don't know how to enjoy right now. Instead, I plan ahead and envision tons of different scenarios and timelines and lifestyles and things to come - I indulge in escapism, and end up disappointed.

Life is weird, you guys.


_________________________________________________________________

Bonus! Proof that this is not a self-deprecating post: I made a list of things that I'm good at and that I like about me:

I dream big.

I type fast.

I’m empathetic and compassionate.

I’m very good at pop culture and trivia.

I love to sing, even when I sing badly

I like almost everything and am easy to get along with

I’ve learned that I can always try again tomorrow.

I learn from my mistakes.

I have a cute nose.

My eyes are beautiful.

I am loveable.

I am funny.

I have a good incidental memory when it comes to conversations.

I love to love.
I am a good hugger.
My toes are not gross looking. 
I am good at portmanteaus. 
Cats like me.
I do not get hangovers from beer
I will never spend more than $15 for a t-shirt (I'm looking at you, Gwyneth Paltrow!)
I would probably make a good actress because I can memorize lines and I make funny faces and if I try really hard I can make myself cry on cue. At least community theater. (I'm kidding, you guys. Anyone can do community theater...kidding again!) 
I recognize humorous context is hard to convey in a written format. 
I can wiggle my ears.

Insight into a Relapse.

So for those of you just now joining us from home: I pull my own hair out. It's pretty much my biggest problem in life. Which, really, doesn't sound too bad. I mean, I'm well aware of how blessed I am, that I could have things so much worse.

But I am human. I am narcissistic, and although I love that my life is unique and extraordinary in many ways, I still want some things to just be normal.

That's why it endlessly frustrates me that after I graduated, I fell into a several month long relapse. It's bad. It's not been this bad since jr. high. I thought after I graduated, I'd be okay. Maybe I'd get as close to completely better as I possibly can. Fate tends to troll me whenever I have absolute hope like that, though. LOLOLOLOL NO! Turns out wasting away with nothing to do while feeling like my life and my youth are passing before my eyes is a major stressor. Who knew, right?

Now, before I continue, I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party here. I just need to get this out, write it down, and maybe, if anyone reads this, get them to understand a little bit more about me. Even if I do get into pity territory, it's my blog and SHUT UP THOR! I DO WHAT I WANT!

The odd thing about relapsing is how EVERYTHING changes. Not just in me - people treat me differently. I used to wonder if it was because I wasn't appearing as confident as before, but no, there's definitely a change in other people's actions towards me. People are colder, more offput than usual (I believe I have a pretty offputting personality as it is), close me out more. Small talk is already hard for me, and it's even harder to make when I look and feel like a weirdo Sometimes it feels like "maybe if we just ignore the patchy bald girl, she'll go away". It hurts. When my hair looks cute, people interact with me more. They try to get to know me, and their first impressions are usually more positive. Human behavioral evolution sure is strange. Hair has been, in many cultures for thousands of years, a sign of healthiness, after all.

The worst is when you know people are staring, or wondering, but they just don't out and out ask the question. Really, you think I would prefer you wondering (and not hiding it well) and imagine you thinking horrible things rather than just asking me? I've always worn my heart, and my brain, on my sleeves. I'll tell you exactly what I'm thinking - if you ask the right questions.

The sad thing about hair, and trichotillomania, is that supposedly once you rip out the roots too many times, the hair follicle will never grow back. That's been a constant fear of mine for over a decade, and ironically also another stressor. This time I'm afraid it's happened. After my relapse let up, I did my usual damage control routine - lots of green tea, lots of water, lots of exercise, lots of soy, lots of biotin and multivitamins. It doesn't seem to be working, My hair just isn't growing.

I don't understand.

I had to euthanize a bird today

It had Avian pox and a large grape sized abscess on its wing. 

When I was in high school, I worked for a veterinarian. I loved that job; cleaning out the cages, walking the dogs, playing with the cats, helping with small tasks around the hospital. One day, I came in to work in the morning, switched on the light, and found that a dog had passed away during the night - from Parvo. Parvo is extremely contagious and extremely deadly for dogs. Sanitizing its cage was heartbreaking and I remember crying while I did it. Worse still, though, was euthanasia - I mean, it was necessary in every case, and I never partook in those appointments. Doc is great and treats the occasion, every time, with the dignity that pet deserves. It doesn't make it any easier, though, and a few years later when I went to Doc to put down my childhood cat, a black ball of fluff named Wisper, it was one of the saddest things I've ever experienced. Wisper had been clinging to life as it was, only 10 years old (not young but not terribly old for a cat) due to malignant tumors and necrosis on her side that would not heal. Even though I knew it was for the best, that making her linger until she passed on her own was cruel, I vowed I wouldn't make a good Vet because its just too much to deal with.

I'm an empathetic person. I know my limits emotionally, and especially as an introvert I know when to pay attention to certain red flags that scream "caution! I extremely emotional situation ahead!". I know I would never get desensitized to it. No, and that's what stopped me from pursuing being a veterinarian. 

On the other hand, as an ecologist (yes, I consider myself one...biologist is too vague), I understand the natural cycle of life. It doesn't faze me to see a lioness take down a gazelle or what have you. I understand that every species of animal, aside from humans, inherently struggle with survival every single second of every single day. 

Maybe that's why I didn't cry. This was a wild animal that had the unfortunate fate of catching a serious disease -even if it recovered, it would still be a carrier and could infect hundreds of other birds over a course of a few years. But it still tore at me a bit, doing it myself (I was on call tonight). I'm not terribly sad, but I don't think I'll forget it. 

I'll enjoy the rest of my evening with a cat curled up at my side (his name is George), some milk and poptarts (smore's, although I usually prefer cinnamon and brown sugar), and a movie (Lilo and Stitch). 

Sorrow, Fear, and Batman.

Note: I didn't really organize my thoughts here. I just can't seem to make my mind make sense today and focus, so I apologize if none of this makes sense or seems to be composed weird.

Many of you know that at the midnight premier of the Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, Colorado, a gunman entered through the emergency exit of the theater and opened fire. 12 people were killed and many others injured.

 Immediately after the events came to light I saw an outpouring of grief, fear, love, and even a little hope. After all, such a tragedy could happen to anyone, anywhere, and maybe a little bit of our perceived safety net was taken away. However, following tumblr, pinterest, facebook, reddit, and other major internet strongholds I realized something - people were coming together in the spirit of Batman. Some were using his anti-gun stance as a call for stricter gun control, others were posting ribbons with the famous Bat signal emblem on them, but many were talking it out about how the tragedy affected them personally. I don't necessarily mean personally as in they were there or had loved ones involved - but they may as well have. Who can't empathize with victims who were excited to view a long awaited film, a time of great anticipation and joy and almost serenity. This is a tragedy that tugs the heart strings of every film lover, every fan of any kind, every human being simply because of the senselessness of the action. My brother, Andrew, wrote a very eloquent post about that aspect - what the movie-going experience means to him (and many others) and how that magic being turned into the unimaginable is something that strikes us all. I watched on tv last night Anderson Cooper interviewing some of the people who were in the theater as well as some family members of the victims. It was important to all of them that the victims should be remembered and not the man who killed them (whose name I won't mention here as well). Anything less is inappropriate. It is also inappropriate to ignore the people who helped one another out in the midst of the chaos - One man even took a bullet for his girlfriend. That is Level Batman bravery and badass-ery.

Personally, I'm heartbroken for the victims and their families but I don't fear public spaces any moreso. When I was blossoming into a teenager I had a lot of irrational anxieties - one time, while on vacation with the family, we saw the Phantom Menace in theaters. For some reason I was really scared that the theater was going to blow up. I thought about that yesterday. Although that fear doesn't seem so irrational given the circumstances, I've come to terms with something since. There will always be risks. There will always be danger, and we will never be certain if we're completely safe or not - no matter how many metal detectors or measures we take. There will always be psychos out there who plan on hurting people. I'm not saying this to be some kind of depressing realist, but because it means we have to balance our fear with rationality. Statistical probability versus situational empathy.We can't cower behind extensive security measures because in doing so we give up a little of our freedom; to privacy, to live as we please, to live confidently with the knowledge that yes, something bad might happen, but that shouldn't stop us from living and loving.

 There's an odd but fitting parallel in this tragedy. Like Anderson Cooper, I don't want to dwell on the crazy guy who did this...but I find it strange that this man would make his point, or take his mental break-down out, or whatever, during a Batman film. It's terrifying to think that he planned such an opportune moment to open fire and instill such chaos and fear in a packed theater on a night that was much awaited. Today people are afraid. I've seen several people post how uneasy they are in public spaces, how we need more gun control, less gun control, how nowhere is safe anywhere. This is where the parallel comes in, but first I want to speak my mind on Batman himself.

 I'm just going to go right out and say it; I don't really care for Nolan's Batman trilogy. I don't dislike it, but I don't think it's the end-all be-all trilogy (I found myself realizing that the Dark Knight was dragging on as I kept checking the time, whereas I still find myself swept up completely in other movies with similar runtimes, for instance). I like the movies but don't get the hype. There is nothing wrong with that and it isn't necessarily relevant to this post - I just figured I should get that out of the way in case my points contradict Bale's brooding motives and people want to nerd fight over it. Personally I preferred Burton's take on Batman, where Gotham was a weird, almost whimsical place with a grim reality at its core. It made the ridiculousness of the villains and a grown man in bat suit more appropriate. It doesn't matter which version of the story I prefer because bottom line I still love Batman. He was always my preferred superhero because he represented ingenuity, not god-given talent, to influence his environment. Of course the massive inheritance helps his endeavor, but even unlike Tony Stark who was, to an extent, born a genius Bruce Wayne must train and work and build through trial and error and drive. Depending on how grimdark you want to delve into the psyche of Batman, you could also say a sick obsession with vengeance drives him. I'm going to ignore that point and focus on campy Batman (the one who hangs out with Superman a lot and makes unintentional double entendres at Robin). Batman is a human being who feels a lot of hate and angst but chooses to be brave instead. The character in spirit, why we love him and connect with him, isn't because of his call for vigilante justice - but a call for bravery in the face of cowardice, teamwork in the face of loneliness, and small but important victories in the face of a seemingly endless internal war.

 Gotham City is a place filled with chaos and fear. Its very citizens are slaves to the reality that psychos crawl among them, manifesting their sick and twisted desires in the most flamboyant and deadly manner. It is a grim, strange place where sometimes nothing makes sense. Batman fights to change all that; of course he has his own tragedies and his own flaws, but at the end of the day Batman represents a notion that we shouldn't live in absolute fear, that we can be repressed just as much by our fear as we are by the villains who instill it and that we don't have to be that way. Batman looks at cowardice and fights back. There are lessons to be learned from this tragedy. If we give in to fearing every possible situation at every moment in time, then the villains of the world win.

The man who shot up the theater thought of himself as the Joker. Let's all be Batman.

Reflections on My Own American Dream.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone! Now, before I get into the nitty-gritty of my post, I want to give a disclaimer. I'm writing this as a reflection of the meaning of the day as it pertains to me. I realize my viewpoints may not line up with those of anyone who reads this, and that is okay. It's one aspect that does make America great. I'm also NOT writing this as a super smug liberal-hipster (libster?) who wants to condemn flag waving and red-white-and-blue party plates...if I was I would have said "Happy Fourth of July, everyone! Have you hugged any French today?". That being said, I would like to share this video.

America Is Not The Greatest Country in the World (the Newsroom, HBO)

The above clip is from HBO's new series, the Newsroom, starring Jeff Daniels as a cynical anchor of an all news network. He is speaking at a university with two other pundits (one liberal, one conservative) and was reluctant to give a serious viewpoint concerning political alignment. Although the first episode deals primarily with the aftermath of his tirade (which he blames on vertigo medication), there is something that just resonates with the audience and, of course, with the audience watching the show at home. It is not fair to just show the first half and leave out his lamenting yet hopeful call for true American greatness. As Sorkenesque as the writing may be, I felt the above clip summarized very much what I feel about the United States as it stands today....not just because I feel that America is not the greatest country in the world (I think it's on par with other first world nations) but because of that second half.

"Sure used to be. We stood up for what was right. We fought for moral reasons. We passed laws, struck down laws, for moral reasons. We waged wars on poverty, not poor people. We sacrificed. We cared about our neighbors. We put our money where our mouths were. And we never beat our chest.

We built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases, and we cultivated the world’s greatest artists and the world’s greatest economy...We reached for the stars. Acted like men.

We aspired to intelligence. We didn’t belittle it—it didn’t make us feel inferior.

We didn’t identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election, and we didn’t, oh, we didn’t scare so easy. Ha. We were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed. By great men. Men who were revered. First step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. America is not the greatest country in the world anymore."

I am an American patriot.

A lot of people may disagree with this sentiment. "You don't think America is the greatest? How can you be patriotic?". That's easy. How do you love another person despite all of their inherit flaws? Or dark spots in their history? How can you love something even though sometimes things don't work out the way you want them? That, for me, is patriotism. It is not Nationalism, the blind idea that one's country is the best and can do no wrong (and for the record, EVERY nation has citizens with this belief. Please don't think I'm trying to ruffle my own countrymen's feathers with that statement). And yes, Will's statement is a little white-washed in and of itself and the kind of call to "a simpler time" that usually makes me roll my eyes...

...On the other hand, in school, I always loved hearing about the Great Depression and World War II. Not so much because I have a macabre fascination with history and suffering (which I do, but that's beside the point), but because things were done because they were right. I'm not talking about the mess that led us to the economic nightmare that was the Great Depression; I'm talking about the aftermath. The Civilian Conservation Corps, part of the New Deal, gave jobs to millions of out of work young men and helped make our country not only more beautiful but more accessible to every citizen. Relief and recovery were given to EVERYONE in need and no one batted an eye about helping those less fortunate because everyone was in the same boat together. Government handouts weren't considered a Marxist wet-dream so much as the government serving it's people. Then the United States became involved with World War II, and despite my personal disgust at isolationists for taking so long in getting involved, one must still feel a sense of pride at seeing those old posters for the war efforts. Victory gardens, rationing, reminding every citizen that they had something to sacrifice - by giving up these new found comforts that come with a booming economy, we were helping our boys overseas. World War II was fought with a clear directive, an almost too perfect "good vs. evil" (gray areas such as Stalin aside) scenario that literally everyone in the world could get behind. This is why I have a hard time taking people's word on supporting wars today and comparing it to the WWII war effort. Nothing is that clear cut, and motives are much more rooted and covered. Maybe it was then, too. I don't know.


What I do know, though, even if hindsight is 20-20; for every dark spot on our record as a nation we have spots of genuine goodness, integrity, and innovation. One of my favorite essayists, Sarah Vowell (really, check out her books, she's amazing) said in her book the Partly Cloudy Patriot that "The true American patriot is by definition skeptical of the government". I agree with this statement, as I find myself agreeing with many things Ms. Vowell has to say. However, it's not the government itself that I find myself being skeptical about. So many other things factor in.


People who believe others can't be true "Americans" because they disagree. People who twist the Constitution to support their own agenda, partisanship in general, historical white-washers, people who couldn't even pass an American history course yet are speaking and acting in office as though history does not repeat itself, people who don't understand how taxes work or what socialism really is. But if anything, today is not a day to dwell on all that. Not for me. 


Today is a day when we celebrate the crazy notion that the will of the people are what make a nation and not the government; that the government must serve it's people. Today is the day where we remember that sometimes the underdogs who want it more (and yes, with help from a boatload of French guys), can come out on top. Today is the day where we get to pat ourselves on the back for all the amazing things America has accomplished, that Americans have contributed to the global community. Today should also be the day that we look to the future for upcoming accomplishments, to not say "remember when things were simpler?", but to instead say "what can we accomplish as a nation in the next 100 years?". Today is the kind of day where I hope that the promise of an easier, better tomorrow, where science is not feared but celebrated, where civil rights and basic freedoms can be upheld, and where every child really can follow their ambitions because they received the education and community support they needed. That, to me, is the American dream. I am fortunate to live in this country because it can change hats and become greater than it ever has before. I love this entire world dearly, but I will always be an American. 

Tomorrow, let's not pat ourselves on the back anymore and instead start doing again. We live in a beautiful country filled with natural wonders and amazing cultural diversity found nowhere else on the planet. We should be celebrating the promise of our future every other day of the year. As citizens, we should all work on being kinder, being more open minded, and learn to really research what's going on around us. We shouldn't ride the coat-tails of our past success but instead observe and create. 


So yeah, I don't think that the United States is the greatest country in the world. We are not the only ones who enjoy freedom. We're a little behind in accepting progress when we built our entire foundation on progress, but things can always change. My American dream is what I believe in, why I love this country because it CAN happen, and why I am an American patriot.